For a Sick Boy
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: I... really wish I had fallen in love with Miku. That would have been easier. It would have been so much easier. But I couldn't do that. Instead, I had to fall in love with Rin. My twin sister. :onesided Len/Rin, gore, self-harm:
1. Love disease

**For a Sick Boy  
><strong>Chapter One

'Love Disease'

* * *

><p>I have to stop this.<p>

This is sick.

Disgusting.

A voice shouts at me in my head; 'what are you doing, Len? Pull yourself together!'

Okay.

I'll try.

I-I'll try…

J-just give me a second…

A-ahh...

...

H-haa…

...

...

T-thank you.

I feel better now.

D-don't look at me with those pitying eyes.

It's true.

I'm telling the truth.

…Y-you don't believe me, do you?

I'm sorry.

I was never a very proficient liar. S-she was always better at that than me. S-she was better than me at a lot of things. But you know that, don't you?

How do you know that?

Hn.

It doesn't matter.

…

I-I just lied to you.

I don't feel 'fine'.

I don't feel fine at all.

'What's wrong?'

Don't ask me that- you know what's wrong.

You know a lot about me.

Oh, and by the way- you're a lousy liar, too.

Maybe we have something in common?

Hahahaha…

Ha…

To tell you the truth…

I haven't been 'fine' in a long time.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sound too melodramatic there?

It's not an exaggeration.

I hate melodrama. Those teen novels filled with chagrin and despair are ridiculous; I can hardly keep my eyes in their sockets when I glance through those, they're rolling so much.

Miku loves those trashy, thrown-together-at-the-last-minute-with-minimum-effort-for-maximum-pay novels, though. I don't know why.

She's such an intelligent girl, too.

But the novels she reads are dreadful.

I firmly believe my mind would turn to syrup if I seriously sat myself down and tried to thumb through one of those books she's so obsessed about.

When I poke fun at Miku's interesting choice of literature she teases me in return (we're so close we can say anything to each other).

Miku says I'm too much of a 'pessimist'.

I prefer to think of myself as a 'realist' instead- but Miku always laughs when I say that. She says there's not much difference between the two.

Miku has a really pretty laugh.

Everything about Hatsune Miku is pretty, from her long turquoise hair to her soft smile. I would know this better than anyone. I spend a lot of time looking at her- n-not in a perverted way, though!

I'm not a pervert, okay?

You already knew that…?

Good.

I-I'm not as bad as the other boys in my class. They're always making lewd comments; saying heartless, thoughtless things.

I would never dream of doing that.

Apparently, I'm 'mature'.

I hear that word a lot.

Y-you think so too?

Something about my eyes?

Haha…

Thank you.

That was a nice thing to say (even if you don't mean it), so maybe…

Maybe I'll tell you a secret.

Are you listening?

…Okay.

_Sometimes I wish I was in love with Miku._

That would make my life easier.

That would make my life much, much easier.

Why _can't_ I be in love with Miku?

She's been my best friend since childhood. I know it's kind of strange, being best friends with a girl, but I never thought there was anything weird about it.

It was probably because of my twin sister.

Because of her…

Rin.

N-no, I'm okay.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

It's painful saying her name.

That's all.

I-I…

Well.

Rin is my identical twin. We look incredibly similar. It's eerie. We used to play pranks on our parents when we were younger; I would appropriate Rin's over-sized hair ribbons, and Rin would tie her hair in a ponytail, and we'd be indistinguishable.

But you know this, don't you?

You know… so very much about me…

This is sort of weird, you know?

Ahahaha…

Anyway.

Because I grew up with Rin, I never developed that 'all girls have cooties!' mentality a lot of young boys seem to get. I had a very bossy twin sister by my side, and she would slap me at the slightest sign of misogyny.

Even though four-year-old Rin didn't know what that word meant (I doubt many four-year-olds do), Rin hated it when the neighbourhood boys said things like 'girls can't climb trees' or 'girls can't play in the dirt.'

Rin took it upon herself to set those stupid boys right.

And she always took great, great care to ensure _I _didn't become one of those 'stupid boys' myself.

In some ways, I think Rin was more of a boy than me.

I always sat in my room, reading.

Rin was the brave one; the one who went for adventures in our back garden, and launched organised raids on the neighbourhood children she didn't like very much.

Rin would try to drag me along, too, but I demurred.

I was probably a boring child.

Ahaha…

So, yeah.

I became friends with Miku- and I didn't see a problem with it, even if my parents bit their lips and asked me to go and find some nice male friends to play with.

I didn't really want to be friends with the boys though.

I was much happier sitting with Miku, discussing mystery novels and drawing pictures.

I wish…

I really wish…

I had fallen in love with Miku.

I-I love Miku- I love her with all my heart- but I'm not _in _love with her.

And it's sad- almost funny, really- because Miku's so very popular with the boys now, in high school. They all adore her.

All the boys.

Except me.

Half my class is convinced Miku's in love with me. They ask me why I haven't made my move yet.

…I'm not planning to make a move, though.

And I never will.

Apparently, that makes me weird.

I'm strange.

I was strange when I was a child because I was too close to Miku.

Now I'm strange when I'm sixteen because I'm not close _enough _to Miku.

How does that work, anyway?

Sometimes I dislike people and their warped logic; their pre-conceived notions of 'right' and 'wrong'.

Am I normal? Is this normal? What is 'normal'?

Does it matter?

…The answer is always _yes._

Being accepted does matter.

It matters a lot for a weak person like me.

I'm no Kagamine Rin.

I'm not strong or brave.

Rin shines like a star.

In comparison, I'm dull.

Bland.

Boring.

I sit in class quietly, taking notes, doing my work- always getting good grades. But I move, ignored, through life, like mist or air; never seeming to leave much of an impression on anyone.

Rin is different.

Rin is bright and cheerful and unforgettable; so exuberant and bubbly she can bring a smile to anybody's face.

I move like a sheep with the rest of society- desperate to fit into the neat little box in everybody's mind that says 'normal'.

But, even though my grades in math and science are perfect (straight As all across), that is one thing I have yet to perfect.

'Being normal'.

It would have been easy to fall in love with Miku.

It would have been… so easy…

And I'm sure she would have loved me back.

But I'm not 'normal'.

Instead, I had to fall in love with the one person who was completely off bounds.

I-I…

I…

…

…

I'm sorry, this happens sometimes.

N-no, I don't want your sympathy.

You don't understand.

You say you do, but you don't.

You couldn't understand, unless you've been in this situation, too.

A-and…

N-no…

No, I'm not crying…

I'm not…

It's just…

…

…

You already know, don't you?

Why are you making me say this?

It's disgusting.

It's sick.

I can see it your eyes.

Judging me.

Just like everybody else.

You say you want to help me, but I don't believe you.

You want me to admit I'm a monster…

Almost inhuman…

So you can hate me.

A-and…

Hahaha…

I can't even correct you.

I can't even contradict you.

Because you're right.

You're _right._

You should hate me.

I want you to hate me.

Maybe then I'd feel less guilty.

A-although, if guilt worked like that- if guilt could truly be absolved with loathing- then I'd have paid my penance already.

Maybe I'd be innocent then.

But I'm not.

I'm sick.

It's disgusting, isn't it?

I'm a despicable human being.

Because I didn't fall in love with Hatsune Miku.

…

O-oh God…

I…

T-the person I fell in love with…

T-the person that I still love, with all my heart…

It was never Miku.

It's always been her.

Her bright smiles.

Her cute ribbon.

Her loud personality.

It was always her.

I was always in love…

W-with Kagamine Rin.

My own sister.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **So here's the deal with this.  
>I see a lot of RinLen fics that feature Rin (or Len) being all "teehee I'm love with my sibling, that's odd but whatever!~" and I don't feel they're very… accurate… to how somebody would really feel in that situation.  
>I mean, I know it's fanfiction/, not real life, and people don't want to read about weird angsty stuff- in most cases, light, fluffy romance is more appreciated. And that's fine.  
>But I wanted to try and write something rather more disturbing featuring the RinLen pair- and I hope it's interesting ^_^``

This writing style feels really lazy and it kind of is lelele but whatever XDD;; It seems somewhat fitting.

If you like this fic, please tell me ^_^``

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	2. A clumsy love song

**For a Sick Boy  
><strong>Chapter Two

'A clumsy love song'

* * *

><p>Hello.<p>

…Something about you seems a little familiar. Have we met before?

…

Oh.

I know.

It's you again.

I'm sorry I didn't recognise you at first. That was rude of me, wasn't it? I'm meant to be the 'polite' one- but even I have my off days.

You say it doesn't matter?

…I guess you're right.

One brief moment of rudeness really _doesn't_ matter, does it?

I've done things far, far worse than that.

Why do you still want to talk to me? You're smiling but it looks uneasy- it's not a real smile (not like Rin's; her smiles are so bright they make her eyes shine like fairy lights on a Christmas tree).

You already know.

You know what I said about her...

A-and how I feel…

It's weird.

Strange.

_**Abnormal.**_

Why do you still want to talk to me?

Maybe it's like that car crash mentality. You see a horrible accident (a complete wreck) and you have to go and look at it, even though it makes you feel sick; and the more hideous something is- the more you want to look away- the more _interesting _it is, too, and the harder it is to tear your eyes away.

This is why people are so…

Ahhh.

It doesn't matter.

It would be hypocritical of me judge you.

I'm exactly the same as you, after all.

If I saw a car crash, I'd want to go and look, too.

You say you're not like that- you're not like that at all- but it's a lie.

Just like your smile.

All lies.

But… they're kind lies.

They're very kind.

…I'm sure you're a nice person. I can see it in your eyes. You're disturbed by me- a-ah, don't worry! Don't deny it! Everybody is.

You're disturbed, but you're still trying to smile.

I-it's more than I deserve…

So maybe I'll repay you.

I'll…

I'll talk.

Well, that depends on what you want to talk about, but I'll do my best.

Is there anything you would like to discuss?

Perhaps mystery novels, or European history? I know I'm only a teenager- a mere child compared to you- but I can hold my own in a discussion about literature, and I've always been interested in history, so…

No?

You don't want to talk about that?

You pick a topic, then.

…'How did it start?'

That's a very vague question, you know. Can't you speak a little more clearly? I'm not easily confused- I like to think I'm fairly intelligent (and my grades support this hypothesis) but you could have worded that better.

O-oh…

I see.

Of course.

You want to talk about 'that'.

I'm not surprised.

It's that car crash mentality again, isn't it? You think I'm strange (sick, twisted, disturbed- I could go on. Should I go on? No? Okay). Even if I spent all day trying to describe my feelings to you, you probably wouldn't understand them.

I-I… hardly understand them myself…

Ahahaha…

This must be how Rin feels when she looks at math equations. I can't understand how she finds such simple things so complicated- but the perception of 'simple' differs from person to person, doesn't it?

…I'm sorry, was I diverging from the topic there?

You look so… confused...

You're looking at me with your curious eyes, and you're asking questions. You're trying to pry into my psyche, taking apart my head as though my feelings are something _logical _you can actually try and make sense of- but they're not.

I'm not sure if you want to 'understand' me, or if you just want to judge me.

Is this a 'car crash' mentality? Do you merely want to look at the burnt, disfigured victim of unacceptable feelings in an intolerant society? Do you want to laugh at me?

Or do you want to help?

I don't really mind.

Most people would go for the first option.

Those who took the latter couldn't do anything for me- couldn't change society's outlook on people who were 'different'- so it's pointless even trying to extend your hand towards a sick child like me.

Maybe in another world, another universe- or another millennium- my feelings would be accepted, but that's not in this world or this universe or this millennium.

Even if you wanted to help you wouldn't be able to.

You want to change the opinions of six billion people?

Be my guest.

But I've stopped trying.

I don't like doing pointless things.

...I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

I do that a lot when I'm trying to forget.

Forget what?

You know.

You know what I'm talking about.

I don't want to discuss this- not even with you- but…

But…

I-I don't know…

Please excuse me.

I'm talking nonsense.

_Nothing._

Alright.

Please wait. I'm trying to gather my thoughts.

You know, like the loading screen of a video game?

I never played many video games- I was always too busy with my studies- but sometimes, on lazy Sundays, I'd curl up besides Rin and we'd go on RPGs…

Hmn.

I can't remember the last time we did that.

It was a while ago.

…

I think I can reply now.

Thank you for waiting.

'How did it start?'

You mean…

When did I know that I'd fallen in love?

…

That's a really tricky question.

I think a question like would be difficult for _anybody_ to answer. I'm not… that bad… at verbalising my feelings- worse than some, better than most- but it's still difficult trying to pin-point the exact moment I knew.

Maybe there wasn't an exact moment.

There was no sudden revelation.

I didn't go to sleep a normal boy one day and wake up a sick child with an obsessive love for my twin sister the next.

It was… more like an illness.

A disease.

And it ate away at me slowly.

Like the sea erodes the face of a cliff, it happened slowly.

You could barely even notice it at first.

And then, when I did realise…

It was much too late.

It was just the small stuff at first. I began to notice things- stupid, inconsequential details- like how bright Rin's smile was, or how blue her eyes were (mirror images of mine…

Haha. Does that make me narcissistic?

But I never looked at my own reflection with the same love I feel for Rin. Quite the opposite, in fact).

I think I was about… eight or nine at the time.

I'm not sure.

I don't remember.

It was so gradual I can't even say when it began; it's like trying to locate the beginning of a circle. There is no starting point- it just goes on and on forever, looping.

A spiral.

Maybe I always loved Rin- maybe I was just born this way (rotten, infected, _weird_).

So…

Well.

There is one thing that sticks out in my mind, though.

A memory.

I think that is… the moment I truly realised how much I loved Rin.

I'm sorry, I'm not being clear enough. I chastised you for speaking unclearly earlier, but I think I'm guiltier of it than you. Sorry.

You want to hear about this memory?

…It's nothing amazing.

I'm sorry if that disappoints you.

I seem to be apologising a lot, don't I? And always for the wrong things…

Never for anything that matters.

…Oh well.

Let me tell you a story, then.

It was… a few years ago, I think. I can't remember the precise date. I was in junior high- so I must have been about fourteen?

Only two years ago, huh?

That feels like a long time ago, but it wasn't really.

It was near the end of the day-

O-oh.

I just remembered.

It was a Tuesday.

A rainy Tuesday afternoon.

It's funny, the small details that stick in your head, isn't it? I don't think the weekday this memory occurred really matters, but- for some reason- it feels _incredibly _important. Maybe I had a test I needed to hand in on that day and the deadline date got caught in my head; a fly in a web.

Anyway.

I was sat in the library with Miku, helping her solve some math equations. I'm not sure what Rin was doing. She's fairly popular; she was probably off with one of her friends from volleyball club or something.

It was raining rather heavily, and I could hear it drumming against the windowpanes- like somebody was tapping their fingers against the glass. Tap tap tap-

Haha, don't mind me.

I'm just trying to build up some atmosphere.

The library was more crowded than usual because of the rain (it was generally deserted; my fellow students avoided books like the plague), but Miku and I were sat at a fairly secluded table, hidden from the rest of the library by a few curved bookshelves.

That was 'our' table; Miku and Len's table. It was right next to the radiator, so it was warm and toasty in winter, and the surrounding bookshelves protected us from prying eyes (not that we ever did anything 'strange'. Miku and I were good kids; we never defaced furniture or tore pages out of the books. We just liked our privacy).

Miku was tapping her pen against the table- tap tap tap, and the rain was pitter-pattering outside- and she was looking down at her math problems with furrowed brows…

And then she said…

I'm not sure what she said.

It probably wasn't that important.

But that scene in the library- Miku and I sat side by side (not so very unusual- not unusual at all) slowly evolved into something…

Something far more 'strange' than I could ever have anticipated.

"Len," Miku had said- and she didn't use honorifics, she didn't need to, because she'd known me for so long. "Len- do you think I'm odd?"

And I said "No- of course not"- although, in all honesty, I probably teased her a little before that, saying "yeah, because you read all those weird romance books"; but that doesn't matter.

What Miku said next did, though.

It's difficult trying to remember exactly what it was she said, though; when I cast my mind back all I can hear is the rain and her pen tap-tap-tapping on the table.

Miku's eyes were downcast, and she hadn't tied her hair up that day (she said she woke up too late), and she looked… very pretty…

Miku always looks pretty.

But Miku was dejected; there was something off about her smile, and she was fidgety… Almost nervous.

She couldn't concentrate, and she kept tap-tap-tapping that pen on the desk, and I guess her restless energy was contagious because I began to squirm too.

"Akita-san said I was strange…"

Miku said it suddenly; biting down on her lower lip, fixing me with a worried look.

I asked her why Akita said that, and Miku said, "Because… Because I don't have a boyfriend…"

I laughed at that- a quiet laugh (we were in a library after all, although the falling rain helped drown my voice) and I ruffled Miku's hair. I said that was fine; she was only fourteen, and she didn't need a boyfriend- she was far too good for all the other boys anyway.

Miku flushed at that and nodded, giggling slightly; and then we were both laughing, and it wasn't really that funny (not at all), but we sat close together surrounded by books in our little corner of the universe, and we were…

We were happy.

And then Miku said, "L-len… I-if that's true… W-why don't we try it out?"

Miku's voice sounded nervous again- not quite as happy as before- and I wasn't sure what she was talking about, so I asked her.

Miku flushed- but her voice was confident when she said, "Y-you're the only boy I feel comfortable with… A-and if I can't talk to any of the other boys… Maybe I'll never get another chance… S-so why don't we…"

"Why don't we…?" I had to prompt.

Miku's reply was one that will stay with me forever.

"Kiss… each other?"

I'm sure my eyes went wide at that- as big as saucers, even- and I asked Miku if she was joking (she was my best friend, why would she want to _kiss _me?), but she looked serious.

"I've never kissed anybody before… I-I want to see what it's like…"

And Miku really was… so sweet… and innocent… and pretty…

I think my heart skipped a beat there.

She was my childhood friend.

My _best _friend.

I couldn't kiss her, could I…?

That would have been…

So strange…

But I'd never kissed anybody before, either, and I must admit I was curious about it to.

The chances of me kissing any other girls in my class were slim to none. I didn't much like any of those other girls.

Well. It wasn't a case of me not liking them.

To be more precise, they didn't like me.

Especially Akita Neru.

Then again, she seems to hate everyone.

I thought…

I'm not sure what I thought; but I knew Miku was beautiful, and all the other boys liked her- and, whilst I'd never looked at her in that way, it wouldn't… hurt to try…

It would have been the normal thing to do, right…?

So I took Miku's hand in mine (her fingernails were painted turquoise. Another pointless detail) and I looked into her eyes.

I-I'm not sure what I was waiting to see…

And I said "I've never kissed anyone either."

Miku replied, voice breathless, nervous, "s-shall we try, then…?"

I think Miku was hoping for a more 'romantic' response than a stammered "o-okay…"; but the whole situation was fairly inelegant and childish and unromantic anyway (quite unlike the situations in those books Miku loves, I'm sure.

I was probably a disappointment as a 'first kiss', looking back on it

Urgh.

Now I feel somewhat embarrassed).

Miku and I pressed our lips together slowly, awkwardly- and our noses bumped against each other's, and it wasn't really all that pleasant.

Miku… didn't taste of anything, really.

Just spit.

And spit's a fairly universal flavour- as I have grown to discover.

I, on the other hand, probably tasted of tuna. I'd eaten a sandwich before I went to see Miku in the library.

Y-yeah…

Not very romantic.

The least I could have done was take a breath mint after assaulting Miku with that fishy smell, come to think of it. I hope Miku hasn't developed some Pavlovian response to kissing, and she relates it to the taste of tuna mayonnaise and sweetcorn.

If I have destroyed your romantic prospects, Miku, I am incredibly sorry.

I remember I sat there dumbly, like a puppet, my lips pressed against Miku's, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for…

I don't know.

I don't know what I was expecting.

At that back of my mind I was thinking 'it's a little sad my first kiss was arranged like a business meeting'- and then another part of my mind wondered if Rin had kissed anybody before (she was always competitive and liked boasting whenever she beat me at anything)- and then…

I-I don't know how it happened…

I didn't plan for it to happen.

People generally don't plan to destroy their lives and their future happiness, do they? I know I didn't; I'm not particularly nihilistic.

But it still happened.

And, maybe, if my mind hadn't taken that train of thought- if I hadn't started thinking about Rin and her over-sized hair ribbon and her crude manners in the middle of that 'kiss'- it would never have happened at all.

I think kissing Miku was the trigger that knocked down all the dominoes.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Because as I sat there, my lips pressed against my best friend's, tasting spit and inhaling the smell of her perfume (it kind of made me want to sneeze), my mind started to wander…

And I started to think of Rin.

I thought about kissing her.

I thought about running my hands through her blonde hair; gently untying that white ribbon she loves so much; of pressing my fingertips against her skin and making her teasing smirk melt into a genuine smile…

A-and…

I felt something begin to stir in my chest.

…N-not just my chest.

Y-you know where this is going right?

R-right…

I knew you were a smart person- just like me.

Birds of a feather flock together, you know?

So…

Ahaha…

I feel like an embarrassed fourteen year old again. Am I blushing?

G-geez, this is humiliating… Ahahahaha…

Y-yeah…

Um.

That was my first kiss.

It wasn't amazing or earth-shattering; but, then again, what first kisses are?

Anybody who says otherwise is a liar.

I drew away from Miku slowly, moving like a clockwork robot- and Miku drew back, too; and she pressed her fingertips against her lips.

We were both lost for words.

Then, Miku smiled, and said- in strangely formal tones- "thank you for that experience."

And- even though I was still shaking (the memory of Rin still haunting the edges of my mind) I couldn't help but laugh.

Miku had sounded so strange, so polite- and it contrasted against our years and years of easy-going friendship so completely it seemed funny.

Hilarious, even.

"Did you like it?" I asked Miku.

She shook her head.

"Good," I said. "Because neither did I."

"Is that weird?" Miku asked- her voice filled with concern. "A-akita says when you kiss somebody… U-um… B-but… I didn't feel a thing… A-and I _**do**_ like you, Len. I really do."

"I like you too," I told her. "But not like that."

"No." Miku nodded, and then smiled. "But not like that."

After that we turned back to the banalities of our homework; and though it was boring it was slightly easier to understand than kissing, and I almost welcomed my return to equations.

Equations were _easy. _They were either right or wrong- you ticked or crossed a box- and that was it.

Feelings were slightly more difficult.

You can't sort them into categories so easily.

Even though lots of people try.

Are my feelings wrong…?

I don't know.

You'd think I'd be able to answer that better than anyone, but I can't.

I don't understand it either.

To Miku, I'm sure that kiss was nothing but an embarrassing, brief moment between two confused teenagers.

She probably looks back on it with laughter.

Even_ I_ regard that strange day of self-discovery with a certain fondness.

But there's more than that.

The image my mind produced as I sat there, kissing Miku (it wasn't really a 'kiss'; we just held our lips together and waited for something to happen- but neither of us knew what) stayed with me for the rest of my life.

I wasn't sure before, but after talking it through with you…

You're a very good listener, by the way.

Thank you for that.

Maybe talking aloud does help you sort your feelings; because I know now, for a fact, that I was right all along.

That clumsy kiss with Miku was when 'it all started'; to answer your previous question.

That was the day- that seemingly inconsequential rainy Tuesday afternoon- that I fell in love with my twin sister.

It was strange.

It was… wonderful.

And it was terribly, terribly _wrong._

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Miku/Len is very cute, you know :3 Len's life probably would've been easier (and happier) if he'd just stuck with Miku but hahaha I'm mean like that XDD  
>Also, the response for the first chapter blew me away o_o That's probably the largest number of reviews I've ever gotten for anything/ before. Thank you so much! O: I'm glad you like it! ^_^'

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	3. Love love nightmare

**For a Sick Boy  
><strong>Chapter Three

'Love love nightmare'

* * *

><p>Hello again.<p>

No, its okay- you don't need to remind me. I haven't forgotten. I did last time- but I won't be so rude now.

I know who you are.

And I know what you want to talk about, too.

…Don't look so guilty. I'm not mad at you.

It's just human nature, isn't it? Curiosity. They say 'curiosity killed the cat'- but humans aren't cats, not really, and we can't help but pry into things that don't concern us.

Things that confuse us.

Even things that _disgust_ us.

You try to hide behind your friendly smiles and your 'are you alright's and your 'that must have been difficult's- but you're not that different from everybody else.

You're still disgusted.

And that's how it should be.

Well, maybe not…

But that's how it **is**, regardless.

You might be a kind person- you're saying that it's not true, you're not disgusted, you really want to _help_- but, in the end, you're still a person.

You're still a human being.

You have arms and legs and eyes and a nose and a mouth and thousand and one feelings- pre-conceived notions hammered into your head at birth- that certain things are _wrong,_ certain things _should not be_, and if you encounter any of those things you should ignore them; should judge them; should _fear them._

You can't help being human.

You can't help being human anymore than the Earth can help itself from turning.

All humans judge each other.

And all humans are inherently selfish.

We _**all**_ have the capacity to be cruel.

And that's… just how life is.

It doesn't matter.

I'm fine, really.

Miku always said I was a pessimist, but I'm not- honestly, I'm not; don't you smile at me like that, it's _true_.

I see things as they are.

And I say things as they are.

And that's that.

Don't worry about it- I already said I'm not angry.

So.

Do you want to talk about Rin some more?

…Haha, I see your eyes lighting up- even though you're trying to be professional, trying to say 'um no you see that's not how it is because you see…' but it's okay.

I see.

I see it all too clearly.

Spare me the small talk. I don't want to discuss the weather- although it is pretty hot in here, isn't it?

Take off my jumper?

No, I don't think I will.

Sorry.

If you want to talk about Rin, we'll talk about Rin.

Everybody wants to know about Rin. They all want to discuss my feelings; they all want to pull my thoughts out of my head and lay them under microscopes to inspect.

Try to give them labels.

How do you label feelings?

But…

To borrow a phrase of Rin's- 'whatever'.

What _**I **_want doesn't factor into it.

Truthfully, I'd rather talk about European history; it's interesting, really, and isn't history (even ancient history) all based on human nature, anyway?

But, apparently, the contents of a disturbed boy's mind are more interesting than the causes of a world war- two world wars, in fact- so…

Um…

Let's see.

Rin got a boyfriend, you know?

His name was Kaito, and he was… I don't know his exact height (why would I? I'm not a stalker. I don't know his blood type or his weight or his birthday or anything else like that, either, so don't ask me), but he was pretty tall; _**far**_ taller than Rin, even though he was only a year older. When I first saw the pair together, I was half-convinced Rin had started some affair with a twenty year old guy- and let me tell you, I _wasn't _very happy about that.

Would any over-protective brother be?

Hahaha…

But when I found out Kaito was only fifteen (at this time Rin was fourteen; simple mathematics, fifteen minus one is…?) I was still…

Not very happy about it.

Of course.

Those two always looked so _happy _together; smiling, as though they were lost in their own little world.

Before Kaito came along, it was always Rin-and-Len. Joined together. Sometimes it was Rin-and-Len and Miku, or Rin-and-Len and some of Rin's friends at volleyball- and not _just _at volleyball, because Rin was really popular, whereas I mainly stayed with Miku.

But when we went to senior high it all changed.

All of a sudden it wasn't Rin-and-Len anymore.

We didn't sit together playing video games at night, and we didn't flick orange peel at each other under the kotatsu, and we stopped baking cookies together- which was probably a good thing for our much abused kitchen, come to think of it, considering Rin had the incredible talent of being able to get flour _everywhere._

I'm not over-exaggerating, either.

Every surface of our kitchen was white- as though it'd been hit with a snow shower- when Rin had finished rolling out the lumpy cookie dough.

But we always cleaned up together afterwards- our sleeves rolled up, hair tied back, soapy bubbles that reflected rainbow-colored Kagamine twins drifting lackadaisically through the air.

The washing up liquid we used smelt of flowers- freesia.

I can still remember that…

I would do the washing.

Rin would do the drying.

And then, when we'd finished, we could eat our cookies, straight from the oven- and they'd burn our tongues, and the kitchen still smelt of soap suds, and our clothes would be wet; but it was _fun._

Those were simpler times.

We used to be so close.

Even though Rin and I were so different- she was loud, I was quiet, she was bright, I was so very dull- we stuck together like magnets.

Or maybe Rin was the magnet- and I was an iron filing that simply got caught by her bright personality.

I never had any pulling power myself- never had people hanging off my every word like Rin did- never had a flock of friends crowding round me, desperate to hear what I had to say, and…

And I never really cared.

I was never jealous.

I'm still not.

I hate large crowds of people.

I have a natural aversion to people in general.

I'm no good at talking to them.

Oh, sure, I'm talking to you- saying a lot of nonsense, probably, even though you keep smiling, saying you understand…

If okay if you don't understand, you know?

You do?

Okay then…

I can talk to you reasonably well, I suppose.

But when it comes to large crowds- a sea of human beings, all unique and completely different, with different thoughts and feelings and opinions, and you've got to please them _all…_

I hate that.

Just thinking about it is making me shudder.

A-am I shy?

I don't know.

Maybe.

Maybe that's why Rin had to drag me around everywhere when we were younger.

Maybe that's why I became so dependant on her.

And maybe that's why I felt so completely lost- crushed and lonely and even a little betrayed- when Kaito came and took Rin away.

Oh no, don't get me wrong- I didn't hate him.

I _don't_ hate him.

I honestly don't think anybody could dislike Shion Kaito. He says some unfortunate things sometimes, but that's not out of any inherent cruelty; he just doesn't put too much thought behind his words.

He's clumsy.

Awkward.

And maybe that's why Rin started to hang out with him at first; because he was somebody she could tease, could poke fun at- and, at the same time, he was somebody she could fix.

Rin's good at fixing things.

She's not very good at school work (she says it's boring- she can't pay attention- she'd rather be sleeping), but she can take apart computers and piece them back together better than before- and she can even fix car parts. She used to help dad when she was a kid, with chubby fingers and that over-sized ribbon so huge I always felt like I should run around with two hands behind her back in case she overbalanced and fell over.

Rin can fix a lot of things.

"It's easy," Rin always said, smiling. "You just need to put enough duct tape onto it!"

And Rin can fix people, too.

Kaito probably reminded Rin of me; kind of sky, kind of useless- and Rin spent her whole childhood forcing me to talk to people, to be more sociable, to "put down your books and live your life, because one day you're going to look up and realise you've been shutting everybody out!"

…Yeah.

I_** am**_ shy, but if Rin hadn't been with me, pushing me along- encouraging me- I'd probably be worse.

But Rin could never fix me completely.

She couldn't…

I'm broken.

But that's not her fault.

I was born this way.

It's horrible to think...

But I think Rin- despite her stubborn nature- might have given up on me.

Maybe she'd found something no amount of duct tape could keep together.

Or maybe…

I-I…

I use the word 'maybe' too much, don't I?

I'm sorry.

I like thinking about various possibilities; how would X have turned out if I did Y, and if I hadn't said Z at point A would I have arrived at point B?

It's a little difficult to explain, but I think a lot of people like doing that.

Maybe I should use 'perhaps' instead?

Except…

Hahaha.

I just used 'maybe' again, didn't I?

Oh well.

Nothing in this life is certain anyway; so it fits.

…Let's see…

Well.

Kaito was just Rin's friend at first- I'm sure of it. Rin was always saying things like "me and _**Kaito**_? Get real!", and she'd snigger if anybody brought the subject up-

But then, one day, I was sat at home- doing my homework or something (I always do my work. The perfect model student- that's me. At least, on the outside. I'm always so busy, and sometimes I had to do Rin's homework too… N-not that I minded…), and Rin charged home, her eyes wide, hair messy, face flushed.

"Lennnn!~" she shouted, rushing forwards- and then she plucked my text book out of my hands and threw it across the room.

I think I was doing trigonometry.

Triangles.

Sine, cosine, tangent?

Not very interesting- but, even so, I still felt a little irritable at Rin for disrupting my work.

My irritation didn't last very long, though.

It never does.

I can't… stay mad at Rin…

I complained about my text book a little, I'm sure I did- I complain a lot- but Rin only laughed, prodding me in the side; prodding me all over, and her body was all sharp edges, made of knees and elbows, and it actually really _hurt_, but Rin was laughing- and I couldn't tell her to get off.

Always so weak…

I'm so weak when it comes to Rin.

"Len, Len, guess what, guess what!" Rin continued to shout, still prodding me- trying to tickle every square inch of flesh her spidery fingers could get at.

I didn't have to guess.

She told me anyway.

Rin's like that. She can't keep secrets.

Her eyes were shining, her face was flushed, and her ribbon was askew- and she looked just like the Rin I'd seen in my dreams (clothes rumpled, gasping for breath) that it made my shoulders tense…

…Ahahaha.

I'm making _your_ shoulders tense too.

Y-yeah…

I-It's not really important...

Well, no.

That's a lie.

It **is** important.

I'm a teenage boy, and I can't help myself dreaming, you know…? I'd stop it if I could- but I can't.

Can you control _your _dreams?

Of course you can't.

I'm…

In love…

It's that helpless kind of fairytale 'love' where you devote yourself entirely to one person, giving and giving and giving- and I'd always do Rin's homework, clean her room, go out in the pouring rain to buy her favorite cereal; little things- little things that soon became bigger things, but I could never say no.

Rin learnt over time that she could ask and ask and ask and I'd give and give and give- and even though I complained, I could never disobey her.

I still can't.

I _loved_ her.

Love her.

Damn tenses.

A-and sometimes, I think- can't _help_ but think- maybe Rin was just taking advantage of me; trying to see how hard and how far she could push her lovely, obedient brother until he said 'no'; grew a backbone and told her to go away.

Maybe she was waiting for me to shout at her.

Maybe she even wanted me to.

Maybe she was still trying to 'fix' me; maybe she never gave up.

Kagamine Rin doesn't give up.

But…

I-I don't know.

I felt so guilty about the dreams I had (infrequent, at first, but as we grew older and Rin's figure matured- losing her baby fat around her cheeks, and developing some jagged 'curve'), that I just…

I don't know.

I felt like I _**owed**_ it to Rin to be the perfect brother.

At least, superficially.

On the surface.

I could go outside in the pouring rain without an umbrella- Rin lost hers, broke mine- to get Rin's favorite cereal, and I could help Rin with her homework; I could do all that.

Small errands like that weren't so difficult.

I could play at being the perfect brother- and even if I couldn't fool myself, I could fool Rin.

But I couldn't stop myself from dreaming.

I couldn't stop my thoughts wandering.

And I thought…

I don't know what I thought.

Maybe I hoped, if I did everything Rin said, my feelings towards her would be excused.

I could pay some kind of 'penance' for being so incurably ill; so sick, so twisted, so blackened and broken…

But I can see, by the look on your face, it doesn't excuse _anything._

I tried- I really really tried.

I always try.

I always do my best at everything.

But I could never stop myself from loving Rin.

I'd still have those dreams…

Y-you still want me to clarify?

Human, so _**human**_- you say you want to help me, but you're not so different from the others; but I'm not angry, don't worry.

Not with you.

I've never really been angry with anybody but myself…

L-let me spell it out for you.

Almost every night, since that 'kiss' with Miku, I had dreams, daydreams, fantasies…

Fantasies about fucking my twin sister.

…

It's crude, I know.

I apologise- but I'm not going to mince my words.

I'm a teenage boy; my feelings (even though it's 'love' it's still a physical attraction- I-I'm physically attracted to my all-acute angles, all-elbows-and-knees and brittle bones and cruel smiles sister) _are_ crude.

I wanted- still want, I-I still want it…- to see her lying underneath me, face flushed, crying my name; enjoying it…

T-that's a lie.

I don't even care if she enjoys it or not- because in my dreams, those are the only places where I can be really honest.

Do you want me to be honest with you?

_I don't care._

It's not about Rin.

It's all about me.

My whole life has been made of RinRinRin_**Rin**_; I've been desperate to help her, to do anything I could to make her smile- because I'm a good brother, you see, the best brother… Ahahaha…

But in my dreams I don't care about any of that.

I don't care about making Rin feel good.

I only care about me.

Sometimes she smiles.

Most of the time she cries.

She tells me to stop.

My dream-Rin (my phantom sister, who's just a little more curvy than her real-life counterpart, with bigger breasts and an inability to say no) tells me to get off her; it hurts, it hurts it hurts it hurts and I'm meant to be her big brother, her _twin_, what am I doing stop it stop it stop it and her breath catches in her throat and tears course down her cheeks and it doesn't make me stop- it only makes me smirk.

I go faster.

And she cries harder.

I'm selfish.

A selfish person.

All humans are selfish.

I never said I was any better than you.

…I'm sure you've had some sick fantasies before too.

So maybe we're not all that different, you and I.

You and I and any other person you happen to see walking down the street. We hold airs and graces- but we'll all the same, not so different…

But I dream about my twin sister.

You're 'normal'.

And _**I'm**_ sick.

And I don't think there's a cure.

I guess was born wrong; maggots in my mind, eating away at all sensible thoughts and feelings, leaving only lust that manifests itself in 'harmless' fantasies- disgusting, so disgusting…

My dreams might be 'harmless', but when I wake up- heart pounding, face flushed, sweating- I always feel disgusted with myself.

Sometimes I bite down on my fingernails- tearing away skin with teeth forcefully, again and again and again, making the disgusting stumps of my fingernails and the worried flesh around bleed, sticky crimson pooling around my cuticles- because I deserve it, I deserve to feel pain; as much pain as I caused Rin in my fantasies…

But I'm selfish, remember?

I welcome those exact same dreams with open arms the next day.

I never used to bite my nails- or my lower lip, or the inside of my mouth.

I do that a lot now.

And on that day- when I was meant to be doing my trig homework, with Rin perched over me, smiling- I was suddenly hit with the memory of those dreams.

Sometimes my dream-Rin smiled; invited it- spread her legs wider, opened her heart deeper.

Most of the time…

Most of the time she cried.

And as the real Rin giggled and prodded my sides, teasing me, she began to blur with my fantasy sister who told me what I really was (a monster you shouldn't be alive I hate you I hate you) in my nightmares.

I couldn't shake the fantasy Rin from my head.

I-I can't even begin to describe it.

I can't.

Don't want to.

I guess you'd call it 'guilt'.

And then Rin was saying something- but my mind wandered; I was all-but drowning in my self disgust and desire, two conflicting emotions that made me bite down on the skin around my thumb until there wasn't any fingernail left at all- but then…

Something Rin said caught in my mind.

She was saying that she'd had her first kiss.

"I beat you, Len!" Rin continued to giggle, smiling (always smiling)- because I'd never told Rin about that kiss with Miku, and I didn't want to.

My kiss with Miku didn't even count.

I did far worse to my imaginary Rin- my ball-jointed doll sister who had to do whatever I said even if she didn't want to- every night, anyway.

At that moment…

I think I froze.

It sounds terribly cliché- like a line that would appear in one of Miku's 'romance' novels- but I couldn't help myself.

I knew.

I knew who Rin had shared her 'first kiss' with- but I didn't want to believe it.

I couldn't believe it- until Rin told me.

_Kaito._

It had been with Kaito.

That bumbling, clumsy…

B-but I couldn't hate him; not even then, as Rin smiled and said, in oh-so-knowledgeable tones, "don't worry, Len!~ I'm sure you'll experience it one day, too! You're just a late bloomer!"

I couldn't hate Shion Kaito.

I never could.

In reality, I hated myself more.

I've always…

Hated myself _more._

I-it really is very hot in here, isn't it…?

Huh?

Stop biting my fingernails?

Was I…?

I didn't realise.

I do a lot of things without realising it- haha…

I'm sorry.

Oh, look.

I'm bleeding.

N-no…

I don't think I will take my sweater off, if it's all the same to you.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **…;A;  
>This is kind of depressing to work on.<br>Listening to the Dresden Dolls really helps writing this depressing smush of internal thoughts, though XD  
>This whole fic can pretty much be surmised with the song 'Bad Habit'.<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	4. This is not a love song

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Chapter Four

'This is (not) a love song'

* * *

><p>You seem to know a lot about me.<p>

How do you know so much…?

…

Oh.

I see how it is.

You're not 'authorized' to tell me. It's classified information?

…That's fine. I expected as much.

Are you a stalker?

Ahahaha- no, it's okay, don't look so shocked; I'm joking.

I don't suppose most stalkers would wear so much white- it would make them stand out far, far too much.

So you're not a stalker.

Haha- don't look so nervous. I never even considered it as a serious possibility.

My mind wanders- and I say a lot of things I don't mean. Please ignore it; it's not important.

You seem to possess a lot of information about me, though. It's a little shocking. I should be worried- but I'm not. In fact, it seems only natural you would know so much about me; though I'm not sure why I feel this way.

…It's not important, I suppose.

Well, it doubtlessly _is_- but I don't want to dwell on that for too long.

You've asked me a lot of questions about myself, you know? Don't I get a turn?

Can I ask you a question?

Huh?

It doesn't work that way?

That doesn't seem very fair. Just let me ask one thing.

_One small thing._

It won't take long.

I promise.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Okay?

Okaayy?

…Ahaha- I sound like Rin. I'm not usually this bratty, I promise; I'm just feeling a little restless.

Can I ask my question?

…Thank you.

Do you know a girl called Sukone Tei?

…Ah. I see your eyes light up in understanding.

So you _do _know her.

Then again, I'm not too surprised. A lot of people knew who Sukone Tei was- for she was something of a legend at our high school. But not in a good way.

She was… a pretty girl, I suppose- though far,_ far_ too skinny. Her sailor uniform- from what I remember- always used to hang around her body in real folds, her skirt falling well past her knees whilst the other girls (Rin included) liked to wear their skirts indecently short. The sleeves of Tei's winter uniform were much too long, hanging past her hands even when she flexed her fingers fully. Tei always had to roll her sleeves up once, twice, several times, so they wouldn't get in her way when she wrote; and I can remember her biting her lip in irritation as she pulled those sleeves up with more force than necessary.

In her school uniform- and I'm not trying to be cruel here, for there was a certain kind of ethereal, other-worldly beauty about her- Tei looked like a bundle of sticks swathed in material.

Either that, or a corpse.

Her skin was deathly white, as though she'd risen from the grave; and there were always thick purplish-black grooves under her sickly, red-rimmed eyes.

I'm not sure what her home life was like- but I can only imagine it was…

Well.

There were rumours about her 'home life'; only it didn't sound too 'homely'.

Dead mother.

Drunken father.

Too poor to buy a school uniform that fit.

Your typical sob story.

I'm not sure how much of it was true- but you probably know more about Tei than I do.

You seem to know a lot.

Especially about… troubled… people like Tei.

And me.

Ahahaha…

I can see the understanding in your eyes- and I know I'm right.

It seems a little strange that I'm being lumped together with Sukone Tei now- especially when I spent the majority of my high school life trying to avoid her.

Trying to avoid being placed into the same category as she was.

Tei drifted through the corridors of our school in a dream, her eyes half-lidded; moving like fog as it rolled over the beach. There was something very eerie about that girl- and her long waves of beautiful silver hair only added to her wraith-like image.

I always thought she was beautiful.

Depressing…

But beautiful.

Maybe that was why the other girls hated her so much.

Jealousy.

Sukone Tei, whether she was ware of it or not, turned heads wherever she went; her misty, dream-like, will-o'-the-wisp presence reaching like shadowy fingers into the hearts of all who happened upon her.

I…

It's a little difficult of me to speak about Tei now, with her milky skin and white hair- her crimson eyes bright red slits set against a backdrop of purest ivory, like some fairytale princess- but I'm sure…

I'm sure I'm right when I say no girl exists on the planet, nor ever will exist in the future, quite like Sukone Tei.

Maybe, if Tei hadn't been so pretty, the other girls would have left her alone.

Maybe…

Maybe they wouldn't have been so cruel to her.

B-but if it hadn't been Tei they singled out it would have been somebody else; it always would have been somebody else- because human beings are cruel, and they like banding together to pick at the carcasses of the weak.

They_ like_ feeling stronger than others.

People get bullied for all kinds of reasons, you know; because they're a little too smart, or a little too shy, or a little too fat, a little too ugly…

Or, in Sukone Tei's case-

Because they're far too pretty.

And something that pretty can't exist in our world without somebody else trying to smash it for their own enjoyment.

If Tei had been uglier- if she hadn't looked like a wan, melancholy maiden stepped into high school straight from the pages of an ink illustration (a princess with porcelain skin and snow-white hair, apple-red lips and hazy, dreamy, misty eyes)- I don't think she would have have been quite so miserable.

But if they hadn't bullied Tei-

They would have found another victim.

Of that I'm sure.

Maybe Miku.

Maybe Kaito.

Maybe… maybe even me.

And I remember thinking, b-but.. But it pains to think of it now…

T-that it was _good _if it was _Tei _they bullied…

B-because at least it wasn't me.

So that was fine.

T-that was…

That was fine.

I'm not sure what Tei did to pique Akita Neru's attention- but, no matter the reason (it was probably something small, stupid- completely ridiculous), rumours about Tei began circulating the school after Neru set her eyes upon her.

Horrible rumours.

I-I don't really want to go into them, but…

Well.

There were stories she… stupid stories, completely exaggerated, and I'm sure none of them were true… but there were stories Tei had some strange… 'torture' fetish, and liked to harm small animals for her own enjoyment; and there were other stories, too- about how she was a prostitute- which is a real problem affecting a lot of girls, isn't it? But what a girl does with her own body in her free time is… It's not relevant… T-things like that private.

Ha…

I probably care about this even more than most given my own 'feelings' towards Rin, but I think- even if I didn't… well. You know how I feel about Rin. Let's not pick at old wounds anymore, okay?- that I would feel the same as I do now.

There are some things the general public don't need to know.

I didn't believe the rumours.

I don't think anybody did.

But everybody in my class- like me- was so… so cowardly, and so incredibly glad, it was Tei- weak, dreamy, pretty Tei, who couldn't defend herself from the cruel words of her abusers no more than a newborn baby bird could defend itself from the jaws of a snake- who was being singled out, and not_ them_, that they didn't help her.

Nobody helped her.

I remember once… T-this is just one incident, out of a long string of incidents- but I remember somebody stole Tei's indoor shoes, so Tei had to walk about barefoot; and the teacher sent Tei out of the class until she'd 'adhered to the proper dress code.'

Tei didn't come back to class that day.

She couldn't have done- because her shoes had been removed from her locker, and she had no idea where they'd gone.

Another time, somebody- I don't even know who- took their compass and scrawled things into Tei's desk; horrible things that I don't even want to repeat.

These aren't the only incidents I know about- and I'm sure there were more (far, far more)- but I…

I don't want to talk about it too much.

This bullying was confined to our class- and I'm not sure how much the other students knew about it- and I frequently told myself if I was Rin (if I was strong like her) I would have interjected when they stole Tei's shoes, and I would stopped the person from carving spiteful messages into Tei's desk.

If I was more like Rin, I would have tried to help her.

I would have intervened.

But I wasn't Rin.

I'll never be Rin.

Rin wasn't in my class; Rin wasn't there to help; and I was only boring, plain Kagamine Len; the quiet kid who sat in the corner reading, whilst Tei was driven from the classroom near to tears on an almost daily basis.

I never said a thing…

I didn't do_ anything._

Because I knew just how easily I could have become a Sukone Tei myself.

But…

Tei wasn't a ghost that passed through my life, her feet leaving no footprints on my heart; because she did manage to make an impression.

I did talk to Tei.

A long time ago.

Just once.

It was… about a month before…

Well…

You know.

You _**do **_know.

I'm sure you do.

I met Sukone Tei on the bus home; and I hardly ever took the bus (I usually walked)- but my bad had been unusually heavy that day, and the weather had been far too cold, and perhaps I'd just been feeling lazy anyway; but, regardless, I took the bus.

That's all that really matters.

This one day in my life- this one stupid day, this one stupid decision- I took the bus.

And there was only one seat left.

It was next to Tei.

If I'd have seen that on time, I probably would've turned right round and walked off the bus- and maybe then Tei would've made no bigger an impact on my life than a baby's footsteps on the floor, and that would have been fine-

It would have been fine.

But, by this time, I'd already paid for my ticket- and I couldn't very well just leave.

Well…

I could have done; but I've always been stubborn (not quite as stubborn as Rin- but I can still be fairly obstinate; especially when it comes to things like homework), and I didn't want to waste my money.

I didn't want to turn around and look like an idiot.

I remember I'd contemplated just standing up- pretending I hadn't seen there was a free seat next to Tei- but Tei's crimson eyes caught mine, and she…

She gave me a small smile.

The smallest of small smiles; tentative, nervous, shy- but still an unmistakable smile.

I'd never seen Tei smile before.

After that, I'd known I couldn't simply ignore her- not after she'd seen me- so I returned Tei's smile with a shaky, unconvincing smile of my own, and I took the free seat beside her just as the bus began to move again. I hadn't quite sat down when it started to move, though- and the sudden movement made me fly forwards, nearly hitting my head on the seat in front of me…

And then Tei's bony, pale hand landed on my shoulder- pulling me back before I cracked my teeth against the back of the other person's seat; and she'd…

She'd laughed.

Ever so softly.

Her laughter had been all-but eaten up by the sounds of people coughing, talking on their cell phones, a baby at the front crying, and the whir of engines, the skid of tyres, as the bus continued forwards; but she had laughed, all the same.

A quiet laugh.

Understated.

Just like her smile.

"Don't hurt yourself," Tei had said- her voice serious; but she was still smiling. "It would be a shame if you spoilt your face…"

Tei had sounded so…

So _normal._

Her voice slowly trailed off into oblivion, and she began to blush- as though she was embarrassed; and, given her deathly skin, any splash of color against those white cheeks was fairly noticeable.

I don't know what I'd been expecting. I'd half-thought- considering all the rumours about Tei that circulated our school- that…

I don't know.

That there _had_ been something strange about her after all.

But- as I sat there, looking at her flushed face (and she ducked her head, trying to hide behind her cascade of silver hair; I'm sure she was nervous)- there was… There wasn't anything overtly 'strange' about Tei.

She seemed like a nice girl.

A normal girl.

A little bit like Miku.

Then again…

What does 'normal' mean, anyway?

It's just a label.

Maybe it doesn't mean that much at all.

Because- even though Tei was sweet and friendly, but painfully shy (I think she was only so shy because of those months upon months of relentless bullying; and it stacked up like snowdrifts, weighing down on her fragile body until she could barely breathe), she was persecuted as though she were a witch, or a leper.

In fact…

Ahahaha.

Persecution isn't anything new, is it? It always happens; across the centauries.

No matter how much human being evolve, and how devoted we become in our pursuit for 'equal rights', we always trample people underfoot; weak, fragile people like Sukone Tei, that get broken easily- stamping their hearts into the dust until there's nothing left to.

It's a coping mechanism.

At least there's somebody worse off than me… At least I'm in a better position than them…

That's what it is.

That's why labels like 'normal' and 'abnormal' were created; so we can single people out- people different from us- and beat them into the ground, again and again, until they can't stand up.

I talked to Sukone Tei, on that bus on that cold day; and I don't remember what day of the week it was, exactly, but I don't think it matters all that much. I can't even remember what we discussed- but I can remember how Tei slowly, oh so slowly, was drawn out of her shell. Like the petals of an opening flower, Tei bloomed as I sat with her- speaking quietly, our voices masked by the idle chatter of others- until she was almost unrecognisable from the dreamy, quiet girl I saw drifting like smoke through the corridors of our school.

Tei liked horror movies- especially the older ones, with awful animatronics and sub-par 'special effects'.

Tei's favourite vegetable was the cucumber- but she didn't know why, 'just because'.

Her favourite season was winter, because she liked putting her footprints in the white snow- she woke up early, sometimes at four or five in the morning, during winter, just so she could look at the unsullied expanse of white outside her bedroom window; and she'd said, her eyes sparkling, that it was 'magical'.

She'd never been afraid of blood; and once she'd been outside with one of her friends, and Tei had stumbled- fallen over a raised bit of sidewalk- and scraped her knee so badly on some broken glass she'd needed five stitches. Her friend had panicked- ran away- and, in the end, it had been Tei, sat on the floor, who'd had to ask somebody if she could borrow their cell phone so she could call for an ambulance herself.

I learnt a lot about Sukone Tei in that short, twenty minute long bus ride; and we'd sat closely together, smiling, laughing- sharing childhood stories as though we were good friends.

As though we'd known each other all our lives.

Our voices had blended in with the conversation of the people around us- with the sound of the girl behind me popping gum, and the music flitting through the air from the radio, and from the hum of the engine- and, at that moment, we…

We belonged.

Both of us.

Tei and I…

We weren't so different.

Human beings, in general- if you can look past the rumours and stories and cruel words that surround them- are fairly similar… If you give them a chance to open up to you.

If you give them a chance to smile.

But nobody had given Tei that chance.

I…

I like to think I made her smile…

For a few moments.

Even if a brief smile in a lifetime of loneliness isn't worth much.

Maybe it's worth nothing at all…

B-but I like to think…

I missed my bus stop, I was so engrossed in talking to her; trying to make that lonely, broken girl smile- because she never smiled at school; and I'd flushed red when Tei had said, oh so innocently, "I'm glad you enjoy my company, but you can't come home with me…"

And we'd both laughed- both of us blushing.

We both smiled.

I didn't know…

I didn't know much at all about Tei.

I hadn't known she was going to commit suicide just a month after our exchange.

And she hadn't known I was in love with my twin sister; that I dreamt about Rin every night, and even in my dreams Rin cried because even in my fantasies I couldn't be free of the knowledge it was wrong.

I was wrong.

I hadn't known…

Tei and I had spoke about so much; but I hadn't known (how could I have known?) that I was… perhaps the last person who'd seen Sukone Tei smile.

I think, after we spoke to each other- after we became 'friends', I suppose- she suspected I would stay with her at school.

That I'd… try to protect her.

Because I knew.

I knew she was perfectly normal- and just a little lonely.

But I didn't.

I didn't do a thing.

I'm…

I'm not a brave person, okay? And I think I did resolve I'd try to stick by her; that I'd try to make Tei smile- because… Because didn't deserve to be bullied, she didn't deserve it at all, and maybe- if everybody stopped throwing stones and spreading rumours and tripping Tei in corridors and stealing her possessions and _laughing _at her, always _laughing _at her- Tei could be happy too.

But the very next day of school, when I walked into homeroom and took my seat by the window- my resolve crumbled into dust.

Tei had been sat at her own seat at the back of the class, her head buried in her hands- and, stood all about her, had been four or five girls; but Akita was in the centre, her hands on her hips, a cruel smile on her face.

I don't know what they were saying.

I didn't want to hear what they were saying.

Tei- poor, persecuted Tei, with her crimson eyes and pale skin (her favourite food was cucumbers, she liked putting footprints into freshly fallen snow, and she loved old, cheesy horror movies with unconvincing animatronics)- had turned to look at me, sat at the front of the class-

And I think she was pleading.

N-no…

I'm _sure _she was pleading.

But I…

Well…

I-I'd rather it was Tei than me…

I'd rather she was the one being hurt-

Because it meant_** I**_ wasn't.

A-and, whilst there might have been rumours circulating that Tei was mentally unstable, and a stalker, and a thousand other things besides- she was anorexic, she was abused by her father, she'd transferred into our school because she was so weird and unpopular nobody liked her- I was worse.

I was much, much worse.

I still am.

I'm disgusting.

Sick…

I'm the strange one.

I'm the one Neru and her friends should have been mocking- b-but, somehow, I've always been good at wearing a mask; at pretending I'm something I'm not.

At pretending I'm 'normal'.

But some apples look healthy on the outside, don't they? But when you bite into them, they're all withered- brown inside and decaying, disgusting- and they taste of rot and ruin and mould rather than delicious fruit.

Tei was a normal girl who simply looked strange.

I was a strange person who appeared 'normal'.

A-and if they were going to bully Tei…

That was okay.

That was fine.

Because it wasn't me.

I…

I-I…

I'm only human.

And not even a very good human, either.

Because- when Tei looked at me, her eyes filled with fear and worry and **hope**, so much _**hope**_ pouring out of those crimson eyes, out of her heart, and onto the floor because we'd talked and we'd laughed and I knew Tei's favourite colour and Tei knew I loved Studio Ghibli and Tei had told me she hated sappy romance novels and I'd laughed and agreed with her, we'd _both laughed together like we were friends and maybe she thought we were maybe she thought __somebody finally cared_- I hadn't been able to meet her gaze.

I…

For a few seconds, I'd wondered.

Wondered what it would be like if I was stronger.

Braver.

And then those few seconds had gone…

And I'd looked away.

I turned my back on her.

But, before I did- I'd seen the hurt flash across her eyes; and I'd known I'd just torn her heart out of her chest and kicked it across the floor.

We'd laughed together the day before…

But I never saw Sukone Tei smile after that.

And, one month later, when we learnt she'd committed suicide…

I-it was awful, really; she'd drifted out into the middle of the road, moving, as always, as though she was made of vapour rather than flesh and blood; but she HAD been made of flesh because her body had hit the car with a sickening crunch and **there had been blood so much blood all over the road,** running into the drain

And Tei might have looked like a fairytale princess

But she was still a human

She was still made of flesh and blood

She still died

Her body twisting through the air

Hitting the road

And I didn't see it

i didn't see it

but i can imagine

always

i've imagined, in my half-asleep states, what expression was playing across tei's face as she _died_ (and it wasn't instant it happened over a period of time she lost blood too much blood- it was funny she had so much blood in her when she looked so pale funny right?)

and i've wondered if she hated me

and what was she thinking

when she died…?

did she condemn me?

would that make me feel any better?

Would that satisfy me?

If she hated me…

Could I feel less guilty?

But I don't think she did.

I don't think she hated me.

Instead, I think she was…

Disappointed.

And maybe, when she died- she was too wrapped up in herself and her own problems and her own pain and worry and fear-

To even remember, once upon a time, a blond boy called Kagamine Len had ever tried to help her at all.

She got hit by a car- and they said they weren't sure if it was an accident or not, but how could you get hit by a car by _accident_? It was on purpose, she'd done it to _herself _because those girls had made her life hell and they never stopped they wouldn't stop- and the one person she thought she could trust had **left her **because he was a coward and he didn't want to be the next Sukone Tei.

He'd known Tei loved the snow and she didn't like spicy food, and he'd known Tei loved old horror movies and hated romance novels- and he'd known (he'd known, even though Tei didn't say it) that she was lonely; oh so lonely-

Painfully lonely and _screaming for help._

She reached out her hand.

I took it.

And then I let it go.

I'd killed her.

I killed her.

S-sure, it wasn't directly; and I didn't push her under the car- she did that herself-

But I'd driven her to it.

But it was okay.

Because it was Tei who'd been bullied, not me- and my secret was safe- and nobody knew-

_And that was okay._

Ahaha…

Ahahaha…

I-I don't know why I'm laughing…

W-when I feel like crying.

W-we humans have funny ways of coping with stress, don't we?

Ah…

Ahaha…

Y-you know, it's funny.

I-I've never told anybody about that before.

I never even told Rin.

I never told her- because I know she'd judge me.

If Rin was in my situation- if she'd known what was happening to Sukone Tei every day; if she'd known Tei's heart had been ground underfoot by a group of pathetic, spiteful, depressed, _incredibly human girls _who were scared and flawed and imperfect just like me because we were all humans and we all made mistakes (and they didn't mean it; they didn't- they weren't horrible people, they were just misguided and they needed other people to hurt to make themselves feel better)- she would have saved Tei.

I know Rin would've.

Rin's that kind of person.

A-and I could never tell Rin…

That I'd held my hand out to Sukone Tei-

And pulled it away even more quickly.

Pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

S-so…

I-I don't know why I'm laughing…

I guess, in a way, it feels strangely cathartic; a release, somehow.

Sure- I didn't do anything 'wrong'.

But I didn't do anything 'right', either- a-and I think that's the worst thing.

I could have helped.

But I _didn't._

I let that poor girl go through hell to save my own skin; and I let her walk under a car and **splatter herself across the road** because I held sick fantasies about screwing my twin sister and I didn't want anyone to know- I wanted to remain unnoticeable; the shy kid who read books.

Not the kid who tried to save girls who were screaming for help with their bloody red eyes and pinched-shut mouths.

And I certainly didn't want to be the sick, disturbed boy who wanted to fuck his twin sister.

Even though that's who I was…

And who I am.

B-but I didn't want to be that Kagamine Len.

Not at school.

Nowhere, but inside my own head- can I be who I really am.

So, instead…

Driven by fear- selfish, so selfish- I…

I…

I…

I become the boy who let Sukone Tei die…

A-and that…

That…

That's just human nature, isn't it?

It is…

You don't have to forgive me- even if you might have done the same thing in my position (it's easy to condemn people when you're not in the same situation, isn't it? It's easy- so _easy_).

Don't forgive me.

I've never forgiven myself.

B-but that's just another thing…

I can add to the list of terrible things I've done…

S-so it doesn't matter…

I-it doesn't matter…

…

…

…

N-no…

I'm not crying…

I-I'll be fine. I'll be…

D-don't worry.

I'm still here.

I'm not the one who walked under a car, am I?

Ahahaha…

Hahaha…

…

…

I-It hurts to laugh…

But I'm…

I'm afraid…

To stop…

…

…

A-and I haven't even told you the worst of it…

* * *

><p><strong>an: **I feel there isn't enough emotion in this chapter ._.  
>Oh well.<p>

I have personally been in a situation /somewhat/ similar to the one presented in this chapter here, and… yeah.  
>Guilt like that is never nice- even if what I was involved in was nowhere near this bad XD<p>

I promise more Rin/Len next chapter- this chapter exists because I like being a jerk and making Len's life even more complicated, and yeah he overthinks things so he only makes awful situations like this worse for himself XD

**renahhchen xoxo**


	5. Love, carved in my chest

**For a Sick Boy  
><strong>Chapter Five

'Love, carved in my chest'

* * *

><p>I don't hate her, you know.<p>

I couldn't.

It would be hypocritical of me- and probably quite cruel. I'm many things (shy, selfish, sick. Human. Oh so very human it hurts, because we all have flaws and faults, don't we?), but I don't think I've ever tried to be _deliberately _mean to anyone.

At least, I hope I haven't.

From time to time, sure- I've probably said some cruel things to certain people, who most likely didn't deserve it; but I don't like hurting other people's feelings.

It's…

It's not a nice feeling, really.

And because of that, I could never bring myself to despise her.

Not me.

Lots of people in my class did. They were… really quite horrible to her.

But they didn't have to be.

They didn't need to hate her.

It was fairly obvious she hated _herself_ enough already.

…Oh?

You want to know who I'm talking about?

Didn't I tell you…?

Ahh- that's a little embarrassing. I'm sorry. I thought you would have known. Was I rambling? Maybe I should have explained it a little more… But I'm always doing that. Talking about nothing- not clarifying my words- speaking nonsense.

No- its okay.

I'll try to make more sense next time, heh.

Let's see…

I'm talking about Akita Neru.

Do you know her?

Yes- I see the realization light up in your eyes. By this point, I should stop asking you if you know these people- because I think you do.

I'm consigned to the fact that you do.

You know an _awful_ lot.

Can I test you?

Do you know the wing speed velocity of a swallow…?

Ahaha, don't look so worried. I'm teasing you.

I didn't expect you to know _that_.

…I think.

I'm sorry- that was irrelevant.

I keep apologizing, don't I? We'll never get anywhere like this.

…Maybe I'm just trying to distract myself.

Distract you.

It's easier avoiding a problem than facing it head on.

You wouldn't be the first person I've met who knows about Neru- and you seem to have a strong opinion of her, too. I can see you frowning. You're trying to hide the frown- the look of disappointment- but it's still _there_.

You really are a terrible liar.

Did you know that?

You already know who Neru is, I'm sure- but it might help _me_ if I talked through it…

Okay.

Neru is…

Well. She, among with several other girls, bullied Sukone Tei incessantly- but Neru was their ringleader.

I don't even know what they teased Tei about; or, at least, I don't know all of it. I think they started on her appearance, at first. They insulted Tei's pale skin, her white hair and her red eyes. It went beyond appearances, though. Those girls- led by Neru-soon started to pick at some pretty nasty stuff. Stuff they really should've left alone. It wasn't very long before Neru started to pick up on those rumors surrounding Tei's family- and then she started talking about Tei's home life. Was her mom dead? Had she committed suicide because Tei was just so very depressing to look at? Or had Tei's mother merely glanced down at the ugly, skinny, red-eyed baby one day and left- disgusted?

…I know.

It's cruel.

It's horrible.

And… it's also incredibly human.

Bullying those who are weaker than you; everybody does it. Even if you don't necessarily vent your anger out on other _humans_, you still find young children pulling the wings off flies, or stamping on ants.

Maybe everybody's born cruel.

If animals aren't cruel- if lions don't tear into the throats of zebras and snakes don't inject deadly poison into their prey- they won't survive.

Humans are animals too; and whilst we don't (generally) claw at one another's throats, we still hurt each other simply by existing- words cutting like barbed wire and drawing blood.

Maybe us humans, like animals in their food chains, are cruel to survive.

We're cruel so we feel better about ourselves.

We're cruel to _protect _ourselves.

And you wouldn't call self-preservation selfish, would you?

It's a necessity.

I wonder what Neru was trying to protect herself from, though.

I wonder…

I don't want to sound like a psychologist- I'm probably the worst person for such a job- but maybe Akita Neru was… incredibly unhappy… …

So that might be why.

She lashed out at Tei so she felt better about herself.

Lions eat zebras.

Snakes poison their prey.

And Akita Neru bullied Sukone Tei.

All for self-preservation.

All for survival.

Is it selfish?

Well, that depends.

It depends what you think humans are, and what we should act like. Is the human race wise enough to betray our inbuilt desires to act cruel? Or… if we try to suppress out true natures, will we- eventually- hurt ourselves?

I don't know.

I really don't.

It probably doesn't matter.

Slowly, over time, Neru's bullying began to expand beyond the boundaries of Tei's looks and her past. The bullying branched into other aspects of Tei's life, and Neru left no stone overturned in her attempts to humiliate Tei.

Neru began to pick at stupid, inconsequential things.

Things that shouldn't have mattered half as much as Neru made them matter.

Neru began to scorn things like Tei's spidery hand-writing, and the way Tei lost herself in her own daydreams, and the strange, ethereal way Tei walked.

It shouldn't have mattered.

So what if Tei's handwriting was a little awkward- scrawling chicken scratch, completely inelegant when compared to the graceful way she moved?

It wasn't reason enough for Neru to bully her.

It wasn't reason enough for _anyone_ to bully her.

But Tei was 'different'- Tei was 'strange'- so maybe, just maybe, to Neru, that was all the reason they needed.

Humans are cruel, after all.

It doesn't matter if you try to suppress it; that cruelty is still there.

After Tei…

W-well…

You know what happened to Tei. B-but after she… well…

A-after Tei died… Neru…

I…

It might sound strange.

Then again, I'm a strange person- so please don't take me too seriously, okay? My opinion is vastly different to everyone else's, and you don't need to agree, so…

Well.

It would have been easy to hate Neru.

It would have been easy to point fingers and name names- say 'it's your fault Tei did that to herself because _**you **_never gave her a break, Neru. You picked and picked and picked at Tei until there was nothing left, like a vulture; like an _**animal**_. You made a young girl _destroy herself _over something as ridiculous as her handwriting and the way her eyes looked, and you made her miserable. You're not even_ human_.'

It would have been easy to say that.

Perhaps, if I could have placed all the blame on Tei's death upon Akita Neru, _**I**_ wouldn't have felt so guilty about it. I mean, sure, I didn't help Tei, even though I knew she was suffering; even though I'd _talked to her_, and I'd raised her hopes…

Only to shatter them in an instant.

In the frown on my lips.

In the turning of my head.

I pretended not to see- and I blotted Tei's suffering out.

I'd done that.

But I wouldn't have **needed **to help Tei if Neru hadn't kept pushing her and pushing her and pushing her until Tei _snapped._

It was Neru's fault.

All Neru's fault.

And most of the people in our class seemed fairly content to believe that.

But…

_**I**_ couldn't.

I couldn't hate Neru.

How could you hate a girl who so clearly hated herself?

Neru had never been very talkative. From what I remember, she preferred to communicate via her cell phone. However, after the incident with Tei, she…

She went completely silent.

Neru stopped talking altogether.

Everybody in our class would glare at Neru, making comments- 'they say it was 'accident', but we know better, don't we, Neru?'.

They all hated Neru because it was easy to hate her.

Even Neru's old 'friends'- girls who had abused Tei (spilt milk on her text books, tripped her over in the corridor, sniggered at her pale skin and white hair)- turned against Neru. They whispered comments, too; and every word seemed to dig into Neru's skin, like needles.

Those girls- those hypocrites- had abused Tei with the same animalistic pleasure that Neru had. They'd followed Neru; listened to Neru; and, like a lioness teaching her cubs to hunt, those girls had learnt from Akita Neru how to be cruel.

They'd learnt how to hurt people to protect themselves.

And those girls had hurt Tei.

Maybe those girls had been pleasant people once upon a time. I don't know- I've never really spoken to them before.

You probably know them.

Lily.

Iroha.

Gumi.

Do those names ring any bells?

Maybe Lily and Iroha and Gumi were just like me. Quiet people- shy people- who saw Neru bullying Tei, and worried they would be future targets. Those three girls all had standout qualities; they all possessed traits that could have, potentially, made them victims.

Most people do.

If you're willing to look- like Neru was, in some strange kind of desperation- you can find traits to mock in anybody.

Lily was incredibly pretty.

Iroha was short for her age.

Gumi was one of the smartest girls in the class.

Any one of those girls could have bullied next, had Neru grown tired of Tei. So, perhaps in self-preservation, they leant to be cruel, too.

They'd learnt to sharpen their claws and sink their fangs into broken people. People weaker than them.

Is that 'wrong'?

I don't know.

Judge for yourself.

Maybe they were nice people.

I'm sure they were- otherwise they wouldn't have had any friends at all. Like everybody, those girls had good and bad qualities.

If you've only seen the bad, a person can look like a monster.

If you've only seen the good, a person will look like an angel.

But people aren't angels or monsters- and you can't fit people into 'good' or 'bad' categories so easily. All human beings are made of a mix of each.

Maybe, deep down, Gumi, Lily and Iroha hated what they'd done to Tei.

Maybe that made them hate themselves.

Maybe they'd wanted to stop, but they didn't know how; and when they finally tried to pull their claws from Tei's flesh it was too late.

Tei's flesh is cold and dead now.

Tei is buried underground- and even if they dig her up, they can't apologize.

It's too late.

Was it their fault?

Was it Neru's fault?

Was it… my fault…?

I don't know. Maybe it was everybody's fault- but you can't blame 'everybody'. You can't lash out at 'everybody'; you have to pick one person.

_One_ target.

Those girls needed a scapegoat to throw all their pain and misery and guilt at.

And they picked Neru.

They blamed Neru for it- and those three girls, like the rest of the class, began to turn their fangs and claws and hate-filled hearts upon Neru; the girl who could be considered the 'most responsible', because she had started it.

But nobody had tried to finish it.

If anything, we _furthered_ it.

We were all at blame- and we all felt guilty.

We didn't save Tei.

None of us did.

And I think… everybody was desperate for somebody to blame.

Somebody who wasn't _**them.**_

And so they pushed all their pain and guilt and grief onto Neru.

They thought it would help.

But… they didn't seem to realize (or maybe they _**did**_ realize, and that made them feel guiltier, and that made them lash out even harder) they were doing the same thing.

Before, the victim had been Tei.

Now, the victim was Neru.

If Tei hadn't spattered herself across the road, would anybody have turned against Neru?

…I doubt it.

I-I think…

It made a _cycle._

Then again, all of humanities' motions are circular, aren't they? Like war, and like discrimination, and like destruction, we never learn; not really. We say we can learn from history- we'll do _**better **_than our ancestors- but…

That never happens.

Our ancestors- the people in the past- were still human beings. They were just like us- only without modern technology and the ability of 'hindsight'.

As the ages move on, the human race gets older, but it doesn't get any wiser.

There will always be wars.

There will always be discrimination.

And human beings will always, without fail- whether its in a classroom situation or on a battle field- destroy each other.

And we say we can learn from the past-

But we never do.

The people in the past are just like us, and we are just like them, and we haven't moved on; we _haven't _changed. The technology around us has changed, and our ideas pertaining to space and science- but, fundamentally, _we_ haven't changed.

Not in the slightest.

And a race that can't change is doomed to repeat its past mistakes- over and over and over again.

…That sounds pretty nihilistic, doesn't it?

_Depressing._

I'm not depressed- honestly. I'm just a 'realist'.

Don't look at me like that. It's not that I hate human beings or something. I **love **world history- European history the most (because, you know, two world wars)- and I love learning about _people, _and the decisions people have made, and how people can impact other people…

It's interesting.

And I think it's comforting- just a little- to know the human race will always remain somewhat similar.

Constant.

Constants are nice; nobody likes change.

And that's… probably why those girls turned on Neru.

They'd always had somebody to bully. First, it was Tei. But then Tei left- so those girls, in their guilt and confusion and fear, had to turn to the next vulnerable target.

They needed to keep the cycle going.

The cycle of hatred.

Neru bullied Tei because she felt insecure about her height and her figure and Neru knew (I could tell she knew by the way she looked at Tei) Tei was prettier than her.

The other girls bullied Tei because Neru was the strongest, with her cruel words and narrowed eyes, and they didn't want to get hurt either.

When Tei disappeared, Lily and Iroha and Gumi felt guilty._ Crushingly_ guilty. They didn't want to live with that guilt anymore.

Nobody would want to.

So they forced that guilt on Neru.

It was an act of self-preservation.

And I don't think that's all _that _selfish…

It's human nature.

I could never hate Neru, though. I saw how the other girls treated her- and I saw how guilty she felt herself (but Neru couldn't force _**her**_ guilt onto somebody else as the others did with her. Neru wasn't strong enough- not anymore).

I saw how depressed Neru became.

I saw how the others broke Akita Neru down.

Some days, she didn't come to school.

When she did come to school, she didn't talk.

And… Neru never lashed back- even though she probably could have done.

I'm sure Neru thought it was her fault, too.

At the age of fifteen years, Akita Neru had- in the eyes of her classmates- killed another girl.

She was a murderer.

How do you live with something like that?

How do you drag your feet from day to day, knowing another girl died because of you?

And if that's what Neru thought, then how could I- knowing how much Neru suffered- then add _**my **_own guilt onto hers?

I couldn't.

I _wouldn't._

So I didn't.

I…

I-I…

I found another way to deal with _my _guilt.

And nobody had to get hurt instead of me.

It was what I deserved, anyway.

I took my feelings for Rin and my pain over Tei, my pity for Neru and my hatred of **myself**, and mixed it all together until I felt sick.

Sick to the stomach- to the core.

After I learnt of Tei's death, I began to see her everywhere; her crimson eyes staring at me, unblinking, in the darkness. When I closed my eyes I saw her face- and when I crossed the road I saw her body, sprawled, across the floor; limbs bent and head leaking red fluid.

When I dreamed, I had my hands round her pale throat; draining what little color remained in her pale cheeks away.

Taking her life and sending it running- in rivulets- down the drain.

Red blood, white hair.

Screams.

Rinse and repeat, over and over.

Sometimes the girl in my dream wasn't Tei.

It was Rin.

I held my hands round her throat- my fingers long and pale, scuttling like spiders- as I held Rin's head underneath the waves (there was no road in my dreams about Rin; not anymore). Rin tried to scream- she always tried to scream (she never reciprocated my advances anymore; not even in my dreams), but then the salty water would pool around her head- into her mouth- into her open eyes- and she would choke and wail and I'd watch her drown.

Rin's blonde hair would float like pond weed.

Rin's blue eyes would stare up at me- empty, glassy, like a doll's; not blinking as sea water stung at her blue irises.

I could never tear my eyes away from hers.

Even in death, Rin was beautiful.

And- even when she was dead- Rin's voice would run through my head.

Accusing me.

_You killed me._

_You killed Tei, and now you're going to kill me._

_Stupid boy._

_Selfish boy._

_Sick boy._

But…

But that was okay.

It was okay- it was fine- because I would hold Rin's cold, dead body to my chest; moving her limbs awkwardly as though she were a ball-jointed doll- and I would try to comfort the dead girl in my arms with glue for a spine and a hole for a heart.

Rin was _mine._

When she was dead nobody else could get to her.

Kaito wouldn't want Rin anymore- not if she was dead.

But I would always love her.

Even as I held Rin's head underneath the waves- watching her scream and inhale lungfuls of salt water that stung her throat when it slid through her struggling body- I would smile, because I knew Rin wouldn't suffer forever. Rin's pain would be over soon; swallow more salt water, I'd tell her, it'll be okay- and you can cry if you want, because the water will wash your tears away.

Smile for me, Rin.

We're going to be together forever, Rinny.

Just you and me.

When her heart stopped beating and her lungs flooded with water- liquid oozing from her parted lips when I held her to my chest- she would be mine forever.

My Rin.

My beautiful doll.

I wouldn't have to share her with anyone.

Not even Kaito.

Those dreams were… comforting…

They made me think death wasn't so bad.

Not if I could stay with Rin forever.

Maybe I was trying to absolve myself of guilt over Tei; my mind telling me 'don't worry. Tei's happier now. Nobody can hurt her.'

But the Rin in my dreams kept changing, distorting, and she didn't stay Rin for long.

Sometimes- as I cradled Rin's lifeless body in my arms, the water drip-drip-dripping from her blonde hair- the flesh would begin to melt from her bones and her open-mouthed scream would peel from her skull.

The scent of rot and mold would cloud the air.

The water would turn to crimson.

The sky above (once blue and cloudless and **innocent**, the same color as Rin's eyes- my eyes) would become black.

My dead twin sister would become the dead Tei.

The Tei of my dreams would be a rotten corpse, half her face missing. She screamed a silent scream through hacked-up vocal chords; blood bubbling at her cracked lips. One of Tei's bright red eyes was missing from its socket; the empty cavity that should have held it crushed together like an aluminum can. Her silvery, wispy hair was slick, wet; dyed with that red, red water, stuck together in clumps- and parts of Tei's head were split open, flesh pulled up and around her skull as though somebody had scored it with a sharp stick. These wounds oozed more blood that _never seemed to stop_; running in rusty crimson rivulets over her skin; matting her pretty (it was pretty once) hair together until it was more red than silver and the stench was unbearable.

Tei's body was nothing more than a bundle of sticks and bones and sharp edges wrapped up in her torn school uniform; gaping wounds on her stomach, arms, above her breasts, that exposed skin and bone and red fluid- all of it mixed together, as though with a spoon- like jelly at a child's birthday party.

When I held my cold, dead sister to my chest, listening to my own heartbeat (it was loud enough for both of us), Rin looked… peaceful… even with her staring eyes and open mouth.

Nothing could hurt Rin when she was in my arms.

Nothing could hurt Rin if she couldn't breathe.

But when the corpse of Tei replaced Rin's- a mess of decay that never stopped bleeding, oozing a foul liquid from every wound and exposing sharp, jagged bone that glistened sickly under a glaze of blood and bodily fluids- Tei never looked peaceful.

Her body was ravaged by worms; maggots still crawling through her flesh- visible, as white slimy creatures, their writhing bodies bulging and distended as they fed upon Tei's dead flesh; writhing in Tei's crushed-together eye socket in a knotted tangle, like the Christmas lights when me and Rin first took them out the box to hang on the Christmas tree.

Tei's whole body was falling apart.

I don't know much about traffic related deaths- but I'm sure the injuries on my dream-Tei were completely mismatched and exaggerated compared to the wounds on the real Tei.

…Not that it makes it any better.

Tei… hadn't had a peaceful death.

Not at all.

She'd died; but death wasn't an answer.

Death hadn't saved Tei.

And I was sure, as her ghostly, water-logged body trailed water droplets and sticky blood onto my fingers- my skin- my clothes- she had…

She blamed me for her death.

It was my fault.

I'd killed Tei.

Or, at the very least- I'd contributed to it.

Neru had paid penance for what she'd done, but not me.

I never had.

Nobody knew just how twisted _**I **_was.

The first time I dreamed of Tei I was sick before I could reach the bathroom- trying to staunch the vomit with my fingertips, but it didn't work.

The smell made me feel even sicker.

I hadn't been able to eat for a day, even though Rin made me pancakes (a rarity- but I think she was worried about me). I held the fork in my hands, looking down at the stack of burnt and barely edible food- and, before my eyes, the pancakes seemed to morph into another bloated, ravaged mess of wriggling maggots and bloody sores- crusting wounds and purple bruises and flesh hanging off bones.

The smell of the burnt pancakes nearly made me sick again- and I couldn't eat any of them. I had to push them away.

I think I upset Rin.

I think I worried her.

Tei's pain seemed to have become mine; a horrible, pounding sensation in the back of my head- and I had to get rid of it; I had to purge; I had to get clean (her blood was on my hands, and I couldn't smear it on Neru- not like everybody else); I had to, I had to…

I'm…

Not sure what was running through my mind…

When I picked up the razor.

Probably not a lot.

I doubt I was thinking at all.

Or maybe I was thinking too much…

I-I get that problem sometimes.

Can't turn off my brain.

So I can't get to sleep at night.

I-insomnia on the day of your math exam isn't fun- even though I managed to get a 96 (I am a model student, after all).

I'm going off topic, aren't I?

Heh…

Y-you see…

All my life I've done… terrible things…

To Rin.

To Tei.

To Neru, too, I suppose- because I never tried to help her either; and she was a girl who needed help, even if she pretended she didn't.

And then- in my disgust, my fear, my shame, my pity, my horror (my attempt to pay penance; my attempt to _redeem myself_)- I began to do terrible things to _myself._

And yet, even now, I can't remember what, exactly…

Was running through my head when I made the first cut.

So maybe it doesn't matter that much.

Hahaha…

It was silly.

Superficial.

I-it's stupid to think hurting yourself can help others.

And, at the time, maybe I thought… I-I don't know what I thought… B-but I believed maybe, just maybe, if I caused myself pain- I could understand the pain of others.

I could apologize to Tei.

And I could punish myself, without having to heap my own guilt upon Neru.

Maybe, in hindsight, I should have done…

I _**should **_have blamed Neru.

Or maybe I should have told Miku- but I didn't want to upset her…

B-but I should have told _somebody._

Because I couldn't carry my own guilt around all by myself.

There was too much for me to carry.

And it began to tear me apart.

Bit by bit.

And then in large pieces.

Flesh slicing off bone; rivulets of blood coursing down my arm- zigzag patterns that made ugly, open scars; painful wounds. I can still remember; my small, trembling form, sat- fully clothed- in the cold bathtub, droplets of water from the shower pounding on top of my head, shoulders, arms. It was too hot- the water was scalding- but when I reached my arm to change it I slipped- stumbled- couldn't stand up; so instead I continued to crouch, under the stream of boiling water that bit through my skin, like a child.

Even though the water was hot, I couldn't stop shivering. The memory of Tei weighed upon me so heavily it felt as if her dead, rotten fingers were still pressed around my neck- the chill of cold flesh and corpses tainting my skin.

Killing me.

Slowly.

I held the blade in my hands with shaking fingers- shaking so badly I dropped the blade once, twice, and cut myself when I moved to pick it up.

It didn't matter.

I rolled up my sleeves, fumbling; moving sodden material out of the way- third time lucky, huh?

I poised the blade above the underside of my wrist

and cut

and cut

and kept on cutting

I don't know for how long

but time seemed to blur together

until it was nothing other than

swift motions

and

pain all over

Over and over and over again.

Patterns spread across my skin; always missing veins- dancing across the thin blue lines; even though it would have been so easy, maybe would have been for the best- if I'd dug the cold metal right in, as far as it would go (splintering bone and carving through flesh) until I bled to death.

The water raining down on me ran red.

And I watched, blue eyes set so far back into my pale skin I felt like a corpse myself, as all my blood ran down the rain.

Even though I was causing myself pain, I'd never felt more… dead.

I hardly even felt like myself; it was as though another person (another Kagamine Len) were driving the razor into my flesh, whilst I sat there- immobilized- and watched.

Watched myself bleed to death.

I can't remember why I did it; not the first time.

I-I can remember that it hurt, though.

And yet…

It seemed to _help._

It was a stupid thing- selfish, childish; it solved nothing. But as I watched the blood ooze from my wrists, it felt like I was watching all the negative emotions flow from my body.

I was being selfish again.

Thinking only of me.

And yet…

I didn't dream about Tei quite so often after that.

So I guess that was my coping mechanism.

Other people abused Neru.

I abused myself.

A-and that was okay.

Really.

I-I'm fine…

* * *

><p><strong>an: **:  
>This is so ~dark~ I don't even ;A;<br>I apologize if this traumatizes anybody XD Life is wonderful and cheerful really!~  
>:D<br>This fic was gonna be Len/Rin rly, but it seems have mutated into a 'this is why humanity sucks' kind of thing XD I'm sorry XDD~

Oh yea there's a poll on my profile page relating to this fic. If you're interested, vote on it, plox? XD

This fic is nearly over.  
>yayayaya.<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	6. The hedgehog's love

**For a Sick Boy  
><strong>Chapter Six

'The hedgehog's love'

* * *

><p>Do you want me to take my jacket off now? I already told you what I did, so… I guess it doesn't really matter.<p>

It won't be too much of a surprise.

I'm not sure why I refused to show you in the first place. I knew I'd end up telling you, anyway. There's something… compelling about you.

You make me want to talk.

You make me feel like I _have_ to talk.

Maybe it's because you're the first person that has really asked me.

I-I've been waiting for somebody to ask me… for so long…

And nobody ever did.

I probably would've resented them if they had asked uncomfortable questions- but please forgive me for that contradiction. I don't need to be happy or angry; I can be both.

Generally I feel so many things I can hardly classify them at all.

It's probably… helpful… having somebody to discuss this with. Somebody removed from my daily life- so even though you're judging me (everybody judges everyone; I'm sure you do it to people you've never spoken before when you see them walking by in the street) it won't affect me too much.

Did I just say 'I don't care about your opinion'?

…I think I did.

Or, at least, I implied it.

I'm sorry if that sounded rude. It's a compliment, really. I feel like I can talk to you, and you'll listen- and it's helping me sift through these thoughts.

Just a little.

I'm not going to say something cliché or corny like 'I can trust you', because I _can't_. If you put too much trust in anyone, they'll turn around and stab you in the back; intentional or not.

If you get too close to other people, they'll hurt you.

It's just the way of the world.

I've hurt people.

I hurt Tei- and I regret it; I wish I hadn't- but that doesn't change anything.

You can't apologize to a dead girl.

My feelings don't matter.

I still hurt her.

So I don't trust you.

I don't think I ever will.

But I don't really trust anybody anymore; not even myself. So that's okay. 'Trust' doesn't matter. It's a… strange concept; but human beings are strange creatures. Do you truly believe somebody would save _you_ over themselves? You might say 'of course I would- I'm your friend'- but, in reality, nobody's that selfless.

Nobody.

If push comes to shove, most human beings- selfish creatures that they are- will think of themselves rather than their friends.

Those Hollywood movies where people sacrifice themselves for their loved ones, or even- in some cases- the whole universe…

I-I don't know.

How many people would really act like that, outside of movie scripts and on TV? And those people are only actors.

Even if you did sacrifice yourself for somebody else, that wouldn't be purely based on compassion, would it? If you lived and somebody you cared about died, and you knew you could've saved them, it would tear you apart.

It would…

I-I know how that feels…

A-and I didn't even know Tei that well.

So a motivation for self-sacrifice is selfishness. A selfish fear of feeing guilty- and an attempt to push that guilt onto somebody else.

It doesn't matter how kind people are, or how caring; it doesn't change the fact they're all selfish.

And they'll always, always judge other people, based on their appearances before they know their personalities- because your looks matter. Some people say 'not to me'- but they're _lying._

…I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore.

I'm sorry.

Ahahaha…

I-I think I was trying to justify my rude nature before. I'm sorry that I can't trust you, and I know you're judging me- but, regardless of that (despite your human faults and flaws), I still feel comfortable around you.

I'll…

Still talk to you.

Because it helps talking about these things- it really does.

So, I'll show you.

Not because I trust you or because I think you're, somehow, a 'better' human being than all the other human beings I've met- of course you're not. We'll all exactly the same deep, deep down; the same species, the same instincts, the same selfish nature ingrained in our brains since birth.

But I'll show you because, despite all that, I like you anyway.

Yes, it's not rational, I know; but if human beings were rational they'd all live alone in caves.

And I need to show somebody.

People weren't designed to be alone their whole lives. Forming relationships will invariably hurt you, because people do stupid things- uncaring things; and sometimes they just don't think how their actions will impact other people. Like hedgehogs trying to huddle together for warmth, human beings will pierce the flesh of those that care about them most with sharp spines…

But humans can't be alone, either.

Being alone is probably… even more terrifying… than being hurt.

O-okay…

I'll show you.

I haven't shown anybody else before- but it's easier with you.

Maybe it's because you're a stranger.

Right…

I'll let you see what my own confusion and fear and… self-loathing, I guess… made me do to my body.

You can even go 'ooh' and 'ahh' like you're watching a freak show, if you want- if that'll make you feel better.

N-no, I knew you wouldn't do that really- I'm joking.

It's just a joke.

I-I think.

…

I-I can see the way you're looking at me- eyes wide with surprise. How could you do this to yourself? Is that what you want to ask?

Haha…

It's not that difficult, really. Anybody could do it.

_You _could do it.

Maybe you've thought about doing it before, if too much pressure falls upon you and can't cope all by yourself and you want somebody to notice you're suffering but you're too shy to reach out and tell them-

So you reach for a razor instead; or a knife; or something, _anything_, that can cause enough pain if it you dig it into the skin long enough.

A pen. A compass. A ruler, even? I know it's pretty blunt, but if you keep cutting and cutting eventually it'll hurt and it'll still leave scars.

It's what some people do… if they can't _talk _to people.

They hurt themselves.

And then they hope somebody else will see those scars- even though they pretend they don't want anybody to know- and offer them some help. They hope somebody will see the physical representation of their pain, so they don't have to give a verbal account of it which might be too difficult to give- and that person will reach out their hand and pull them out of their darkness.

Maybe it _is_ 'attention seeking'.

But it's deeper than that- and people who give confused, lost, lonely people like that horrible labels don't… really understand.

Or maybe they understand all too well- and they want to distance themselves from it. Push it away, and pretend they've never felt that depressed before.

Y-you say you've never thought about it?

Not even once?

…Maybe that's for the best.

These marks look hideous, don't they? They're ugly; red scars, raised flesh; some are healed, but others look… newer…

N-no, I haven't quite shaken this habit yet.

I'm sorry.

Some scars run together in parallel lines, others slicing nonsense patterns with no real meaning…

It's not just my arms, though. There are some marks on my legs, up to the thigh- because I reasoned it'd be easier to hide those than any cuts on my wrists… B-but that didn't really work after a while. I-it became too painful to sit down, and I kept squirming in my seat- opening up old wounds; and then the blood would clot, matting my pants to my legs so it hurt when I had to peel them off the red-raw irritated skin…

I-it might have been more practical to keep slicing my legs, because it was harder to notice- but…

B-but…

Y-you're right.

It would have been more practical to stop altogether.

I know that.

Its sick- disgusting- weird; all of that- and… I-it's…

_Miserable,_ too.

Depressing.

I should have told somebody- but who could I have turned to? I didn't want Rin to realize; I didn't want Rin to hate me, or turn against me. Logically, I knew she'd do neither. Rin was my sister- I loved her- and I knew she'd never treat me a leper; she wouldn't shun me.

She'd try to help.

She would.

Logically, I knew all that.

But 'logic' has no place with human emotions.

If Rin ever looked at me as though I was sick, I…

I wouldn't know what to do…

So I tried to keep it a secret. I kept away from people- and I'd flinch when they touched me, or inadvertently tug at the sleeves of my shirt; a-and it felt…

It felt like I'd done something terrible.

Like I'd committed a murder.

I-I'd already helped murder Tei…

A-and I was doing it to myself, too. Because I couldn't face the visions that ran through my head at night- and I couldn't face the thoughts of Rin that swirled through my mind- and I couldn't face looking at Neru every day as she became more and more beaten down and broken…

I-I could hardly face being alive anymore.

And I didn't know who to turn to.

The people at school all began to look the same. They had different features and appearances, personalities, yes- but, deep down inside, they were all the same. I knew they wouldn't hasten to laugh at me whilst I was down; because I was _different_ – I had the marks on my arms to prove I was **different**- and they would pick up on that.

They'd eat me alive.

Everywhere I turned to, everyone I saw… I-I could only see enemies. People with empty eyes, glassy like marbles- and cruel smiles.

I couldn't look anybody in the eye anymore- not even when I walked from one end of the school field to the other, or went out at night to get a pint of milk from the local supermarket.

People were…

T-they were… scary…

A-and I had to duck my head whenever I saw them.

I think I was afraid.

I-I…

I know I was afraid.

Living my whole life filled with fear for… Well…

_Everything._

I was afraid my secret would be found out.

Other humans had blank eyes and cruel smiles- gathering around in groups like locusts- their light-hearted conversations buzzing hatefully through my head; all of them looking at me, judging me-

A-and whenever I passed other human beings the ugly marks on my arms and legs would seem to burn…

A shameful reminder of what I'd done.

Of what I was still doing.

Am still doing.

I-I think I was… a little paranoid…

Ahaha.

I don't think 'a little' can even begin to cover it- because, for a period of time, I truly felt like… I-I was going… a little insane…

I didn't even feel like myself anymore.

Not Kagamine Len.

I was…

A stranger- even to myself.

A sick child who needed help.

I'd always been shy, but this was a… crippling fear; so intense I could hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings. It weighed down on me so heavily it felt like I was drowning- trying to struggle for air; and the people around me (the world was filled with so many _people; _I couldn't believe I'd never noticed that before) were dragging me back under so my lungs filled with salt water.

The scars on my wrists were a secret- a mark of how I'd betrayed Tei, betrayed Rin, betrayed myself- a-and I didn't want anybody to find out.

I couldn't let anybody find out.

And yet, at the same time, I…

I…

I-I think I_ wanted_ somebody to notice.

I think I wanted somebody to see me tugging at my sleeves and ask 'what's wrong?' A-and if somebody _**had**_ asked, I would have panicked- pushed them away; told them I was fine…

I know that.

So why did I want them to ask to begin with?

B-but…

If somebody had known…

I-I think I would have felt a little better.

Not quite so alone.

But that's the dilemma, isn't it?

I wanted somebody to know just how much I was hurting. After all, a trouble shared is a trouble halved- b-but maybe there are some troubles you shouldn't burden other people with.

Sometimes sharing your secrets can make people turn against you, hate you- and that… would feel even worse…

It was a conflicting desire that nearly tore me apart- far more than the razor blade against my skin ever could.

I didn't want anybody to know.

I couldn't let them know.

I was afraid.

After all, if they managed to find out about the scars on my wrists, how long would it be before they uncovered all my other secrets? They'd ask 'why?' Why are you doing this?

And I'd have to tell them about Tei.

About Rin.

I could hardly say 'no reason'- because they wouldn't believe me; and telling people these secrets might destroy me completely…

A-and yet, at the same…

I wanted somebody to know.

I really, truly did.

I-I don't think I would have cut myself if I hadn't- because that created physical evidence of my suffering and confusion; a confusion I couldn't have communicated through mere words- that I didn't even understand myself.

But with those scars, everybody would have known.

All I would've have to have done was show them.

I wanted somebody to know… B-but I didn't know who I could talk to. So I retreated into myself, trying to push everyone who could've potentially helped away- even Miku.

S-so, my attempts to seek help…

Were quite counter-productive, I guess.

I only made matters worse for myself.

I-I'm…

Very good at doing that.

It's probably my best talent.

Hahaha…

I-it's not really that funny.

At all.

B-but it feels better to laugh about it.

After Tei's death, people said I 'began to change'. They said I was becoming softer, more withdrawn- _even more so than usual. _I think Rin said, at one point, 'geez, Len! If you become any quieter you're going to force yourself through sheer stubbornness into non-existence!'

I just smiled and told Rin she was being silly.

It wasn't like I was going to die.

Rin gave me a funny look at that- and not an amused 'funny' look. She'd been holding an orange in one hand, fingers stained yellow with sticky juice, and she'd been about to pop a segment into her mouth…

When she stopped.

She stopped, and then turned to _look _and me- really _look _at me.

"I never said anything about 'dying'," she said.

So I said- trying to force another smile- that I was just over-exaggerating.

Rin said, that segment of orange still poised at her lips, other hand holding the orange so tightly more juice was squeezed out onto her fingertips, that I didn't usually over-exaggerate.

That was _her_ job.

I just shrugged.

My response was probably unsatisfactory, but it seemed to calm her down.

But, as Rin's blue-eyed stare continued to piece through me, I felt the cuts zigzagging across my skin- hidden underneath my baggy sweater- begin to… ache, almost.

All of a sudden, those scars felt very conspicuous. Even though Rin couldn't see them, I felt sure she knew.

How could she know?

I was being paranoid again, of course. It was a familiar feeling that plagued me- following me everywhere; even in my dreams.

I always cleaned the bathroom up after I used it- and I was practical person. I always cut myself in the bathroom; sat under the shower, letting the droplets of too-hot or too-cold water (because our shower had been broken for a while and we never got around to fixing it) wash my blood down the drain in trails of light red, almost pink, water.

The worst part was when the drain became clogged with pieces of flesh- some of them too large to get washed away; a reminder of what I'd done… A-and I had to pick those pieces of my own skin out of the plug hole, bit by bit, with trembling fingertips, and throw them away…

T-that was the worst part.

B-but…

But nobody had to know.

It was easier that way.

Even though I wanted them to know.

I-I really did…

"Len," Miku would say to me (she said this frequently, ever since Tei's death), her eyes filled with worry, "what's wrong? Why are you acting so distant? A-are you okay?"

And I would smile at her- force a smile, even though Miku _scared_ me now and her eyes looked just as glassy as everybody else's.

Almost dead.

Like Tei's did in my dreams; flies crawling across her unblinking red eyes, some landing in her perpetually open mouth.

Another reminder.

This is what happens if you let people trust you.

You'll only disappoint them.

Kill them.

And they _trusted _you.

"I'm okay," I would say.

Miku would try to argue, "b-but-", but she was never the most argumentative person, and she'd only feel guilty pushing me too hard. So, after a few seconds' defiance, she would smile- a forced smile as see-through as plastic- and she would prod her chopsticks back into her bento box again.

"Okay then," Miku would say- eating our lunch together in frosty silence, whilst everybody else in the canteen laughed and talked together in the background. I didn't eat that much anymore, not really; memories of Tei haunted me, and food seemed to turn to ashes in my mouth. "Okay… You're alright then, Len?"

"I'm okay."

"Good," Miku would then say- and this part always hurt the most; tearing up at my heart like brambles and barbed wire. "Because you'd tell me if there was anything wrong… Because we're friends. We're friends, and I trust you. Y-yeah… I know that. I-I'm being silly."

She repeated it to herself- as though she were trying to convince herself of this fact.

A-and…

And I think she managed to.

Miku really, truly trusted me. I could tell by the misty look in her eyes- the same look Tei had given me in the classroom that one time, when she thought she could turn to me for help.

Trust.

I-it's…

It's a stupid emotion.

You should know by now- I know- that you can't 'trust' anybody. Y-you shouldn't even trust me… I-I mean, I think I've already shown you by now I'm not the most balanced, reliable person; a-and when Tei got too close to me…

S-she might as well have pulled her own ribcage open with her fingers- bones splintering, fingernails tearing off and blood running down her chest.

She might as well have invited me to break her exposed heart with my own hands herself.

Because that's what I did- and I'm meant to be a nice person.

Miku trusted me.

She believed in me.

But that's a stupid emotion- and I always thought Miku was naïve; still believing in fairytale happy endings and forcing me to watch old Disney movies with her, curled up together under her duvet whilst we ate ice cream.

She still believed human beings were redeemable- and they weren't all selfish.

Maybe…

I-I don't know.

Miku is the kindest person I've met- and I love her; I truly love her.

But she's… a little dense, I suppose; or maybe she was just trying to forget how cruel human beings could be by burying herself in a fantasy world. Maybe that was why she kept tying her hair up in those girlish pigtails, even into high school- because she wanted to be a child again…

She wanted to keep being happy.

And she wanted to trust me.

But, despite my love for Miku, at that moment, when she said 'I trust you'…

I-it…

I-it's going to sound horrible- b-but it made me hate her.

It truly made me hate her.

She was too loving, too trusting- and why should she 'love' somebody like me? I-I'm only a human being- I'd only disappoint her; and it felt an awful lot like what Tei had done.

It felt like Miku was inviting me to hurt her.

Inviting me to betray her trust.

And turning me into a monster.

Turning me into a monster for simply _being human._

I-I…

I-I hate being trusted…

I-it's too much responsibility; and it's inevitable that I'd only break their trust again and again and again- because I'm kind of…

I'm kind of useless.

In case you haven't noticed.

I betray people's expectations and I break their hearts- and when Miku said 'I trust you' she might as well have said 'please hurt me'. She might as well have invited me to carve a hole in her chest and take my heart between her fingertips and squeeze, keep squeezing, until it **burst.**

I'd done that to Tei.

Why couldn't I do that to Miku, too?

There was nothing to stop it.

N-not because I'm inherently cruel or sadistic- b-but because I'm weak, and cowardly, and so confused I didn't know if I should open my heart up to other people (and get it torn by thorns and brambles) or shut it away and condemn myself to fester in my own misery.

B-but Miku…

G-god…

Miku was…

Only the tip of the ice berg.

Because something worse happened after that.

S-something far worse…

* * *

><p><strong>an: **More dark stuff XD; Meh this is kind of filler chapter, emotional fallout from before? Yeah I guess so. Srs stuff's gonna go down soon XD;;  
>This whole chapter can be surmised in two vocaloid songs 'potato head in wonderland' and 'the hedgehog's love' XDD;; It's what I listened to relentlessly, on a loop, when writing this :D<p>

Ah yeah my fanfiction uploader is being stupid so I have to get one of my friends to upload the chapters for me on her computer now XD; If there's a confusing note at the bottom it'll be courtesy of her XDD

**~renahhchen xoxo**

**a/n: **Look! Another awesome note ahoy. once again, lamie comes to the rescue. srsly, what would renahhchen (why is it such a stupid name?) do without me? I hope you're all having a great day and enjoyed the chapter. I haven't read it personally, but the author tells me that it is phat. Or something along those lines. She doesn't use phrases as cool as mine.**  
><strong>


	7. Love is not hideable

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Chapter Seven

'Love is not hideable'

* * *

><p>It all started with Miku. When she spoke to me at lunch, asking me if I was alright- saying that she 'trusted' me (a foolish thing to say to anyone)- that pushed down the first domino and started a chain reaction.<p>

I-I apologize if I sound overly dramatic. I hate melodrama.

Well...

Maybe 'hate' is too strong a word. Melodrama can be fun in small doses- even entertaining. Those stupid TV shows with overly complex plot lines and those stupid romance novels that Miku likes to read; they're all full of melodrama and poorly contrived plot conveniences, but I don't** hate** them. I'm confused as how anybody could really like them, but I don't **hate** them.

In fact, I think they're kind of endearing.

Stupid, but good fun.

In moderation.

Let me rephrase my previous statement.

I hate melodrama if it's happening in _my _life.

I've always been a quiet person- a little bit shy, kind of awkward- and I don't really like talking to people. It's okay laughing at bad storylines in the soap operas Miku watched almost religiously- but when everything's crashing down around you in _real life_, you can't just laugh at it like that.

You can't shrug it off.

Especially not if you're a person like me.

I wasn't 'built' to deal with drama.

I...

I can't handle it.

_**There.**_

I've admitted it.

I couldn't cope.

Happy now?

I know my weaknesses, and I know my limitations, and I'm not going to sit here and smile at you and feed you a pack of lies. There's little point in embellishing on my personality, or portraying myself as stronger than I really am.

You've already seen the scars.

You've already heard my confused thoughts.

You know me better than anybody else does now; not the small, unimportant things, like my favorite color (it's yellow, incidentally) or my favorite flavor of ice-cream (obviously banana- is there any other choice?).

But you know…

_Me._

You know all the thoughts that have been going on inside my head- and maybe, in that respect, you (a complete stranger with a kind smile) know me even better than Miku does.

And Miku's been my best friend nearly all my life.

You might even know me better than Rin does- and she's been my sister _**all **_my life. Rin could tell you my favorite color and my favorite flavor of ice-cream in her sleep.

But I guess that stuff's not really all that important when it comes to understand the real, deeper inner workings of a person.

That stuff… doesn't really matter.

Not very much.

You, on the other hand, know what I do to deal with stress, to deal with disasters, to combat the soap opera worthy 'melodrama' around me- and...

And you know I don't 'cope' with it exceedingly well.

I-I can't… cope at all.

N-not me.

I'm not strong like Rin.

I'm fragile.

Pathetic.

_Useless._

I want out of my own life. I've had enough of it now!

Can somebody take my place?

Please?

Y-yeah, I know, I know.

There's no 'get out of jail free' card in the real world- and I'll just have to keep trying to survive.

B-but…

I-I haven't even told you- haven't even touched upon- the worst event that happened in my life thus far.

But I've told you how it begun.

Miku's kind, friendly 'I trust you' was the spark that really ignited the fire, and sent everything- _all _of it- tumbling down.

I-if it had happened on TV- if my life were a crappy soap opera- I would have laughed at how ridiculous it all was. I would have smirked alongside Rin (she hates overwrought, overly emotional trash that passes itself off as 'entertainment' too), and lauded my character as being 'weak'.

_**Stupid.**_

It's easier to laugh at these things if they're not happening to you.

That's why Tei was bullied; pushed and shoved and sneered at until she walked out into the road.

It's easy to laugh at people who aren't you; and it's easy to mock those with problems you don't have- and it's nice jeering at upset people with problems, simply because their life is _worse _than yours.

That's probably why soap operas are so popular.

They're sadist shows, most of them- and completely unrealistic, too; but it's nice knowing trauma like that is so unlikely it won't affect _you._

It's nice knowing there's somebody worse off than _you._

It's... comforting.

Almost as comforting as sliding a blade into your wrist and watching watery blood splatter against the bath tub.

Drip drip drip.

The blood makes pretty patterns when it goes down the plug hole.

B-but...

But my life wasn't a soap opera.

It was real.

And...

It was happening to me.

And that...

That wasn't so funny.

T-that wasn't so funny at all.

M-maybe it started when Miku asked me, her voice friendly, if I was okay.

Or maybe it started a long, long time before that.

Maybe it started when I picked up the razor blade for the first time and my skin tasted metal.

Maybe it started when I didn't help Tei, even though I could have done- should have done- and I might as well have pushed her under the car myself.

Maybe it started when I awoke for the first time with sticky sheets and a pounding heart and thoughts of Rin running through my head- thoughts of my own sister making my body ache with need.

Maybe it started when I kissed Miku in the library that one time, sat in our own little secluded corner of the universe between the bookshelves with math homework spread out before us, and we shared our secret.

Maybe it started the moment I was born.

I've been sinking slowly for sixteen years.

And then the waves washed over my head.

My lungs filled with salt water.

And I began to drown.

* * *

><p>When Miku asked me if I was 'okay', my paranoia slowly began to rise. Impossible, I know, considering how high it was already, but...<p>

Well.

At the time, I was little more than a mess of scars and secrets, desperately trying to hide from everybody. I was hardly even a person anymore- just a mess. A complete wreck. And whilst I wanted somebody to help me- I wanted somebody to wrap their arms round me and tell me everything was going to be okay (tell me a bunch of lies I was desperate enough to swallow, but _just_ cynical enough to vomit back up again)- I also wanted to keep everyone away.

Even Miku.

I don't think I was even a 'human' then- not really. I was just a vessel, a sack of flesh, dragging guilt behind me like an iron chain- and that was it. I wasn't... really thinking clearly.

At all.

I could only 'think'- really think- when I pressed a blade against my flesh and let all my confusion run out of my body in unbroken streams of red red red.

I didn't want Miku to uncover my secret- and she seemed dangerously close to it. Obviously, I'd been acting strangely, if Miku even had to ask me if I was 'okay'- so I resolved to try and behave in a 'normal' manner (whatever normal was). I conditioned myself to smile in response to Miku's words- and I even managed, after a week or so of practice in my bedroom mirror every morning, to make those smiles look real. I began to talk to Miku more after that- never telling her my real problems, never discussing anything of worth; but talking just enough to make Miku believe I was okay after all, and my previous nature had been a mere blip; a small disturbance in my otherwise boring life.

I even managed to stop myself shuddering when Miku rested her fingers on my arm- brushing against the scars I knew were still there. I resisted the urge to tug at my sleeves every few seconds, and I tried to push all the guilt and worry and confusion to the back of my mind.

I kept smiling.

Smile, smile, smile.

I could always purge all those unpleasant, unnecessary feelings I was trying to forget- wanted so desperately to forget- from my mind later on. I could always forget my suffering with pain.

Pain always worked.

I think...

I feel horrible to say this- to even think this- but I think...

I think I was using Miku.

Using her friendship.

I began to spend more and more time with Miku so other people would see I still had friends. So everybody would know I was 'normal'.

So nobody would know about the scars of my wrists, or the bugs in my brain; my sick feelings towards Rin, and my involvement that had (indirectly) led to Sukone Tei's death.

I-it wasn't that I didn't like being with Miku, don't get me wrong. O-of course I liked being with her. She was my best friend. Had been for a long, long time. I-in my own weird way, I loved her. Not trusted her (haha, of course not)- but I did care about her. But when we started high school, we began drifting away from each other; different classes, an increased work load, and Miku was a member of the school choir, too...

It wasn't that I hated Miku.

I just... didn't have that much time to see her.

But after Miku began to worry about me, I began to spend most of my time with her; hovering about her like a fly. I kept my taped-together smile in place, kept my fingers away from my shirt sleeves, and pretended I was happy.

Pretended there was nothing wrong.

I was normal.

I was normal I was normal I was normal really I was-

And I think I managed to convince myself of that fact, just for a while.

I could pretend everything was alright when I was with Miku.

But I was at home...

N-not so much.

It was too difficult.

Whether I was helping Rin with her math homework and watching the way her shirt would ride up when she threw her hands in the air, or watching some dull show on TV without really watching it, or sat in my bed at night trying to get to sleep whilst nightmare visions danced tough my head, I couldn't pretend, and I couldn't forget.

Tei's crimson eyes haunted me in my sleep.

Rin's cheerful smiles, filled with life, haunted me over the breakfast table, or in the living room, or when we did our homework together.

I wasn't normal.

I was...

I was sick.

Twisted.

I could only play make believe when I was with Miku.

When Miku wasn't with me, I couldn't keep on smiling, I couldn't keep on lying- it was too much hard work.

I knew I was lying to myself.

And I knew I was using Miku.

I was running from my problems by pretending they didn't exist- but when I returned home, locked myself in the bathroom, and sank down on trembling knees into a crouch by the door, I knew I couldn't keep pretending there was nothing wrong.

I knew, by pushing my problems further and further to the back of my head, they were only getting bigger, more intense, more numerous when I had to seriously sit down and think about them.

Running didn't help.

Smiling didn't help.

I couldn't escape at home.

I couldn't escape in my dreams.

I couldn't escape my own head.

I couldn't escape- couldn't leave- and sometimes my fingers would grab at the sides of my head and they'd twist in my hair, trying to pull my skull apart with my own fingertips.

I think I was trying to escape.

I was trying to be somebody else.

Anybody else.

I couldn't handle being Kagamine Len anymore.

Wouldn't somebody- anybody- take my place?

Please?

Wouldn't somebody...

come and help me...?

I couldn't...

keep smiling

anymore.

It hurt.

It hurt too much.

* * *

><p>The push that felled the first domino was Miku's question.<p>

'Are you alright?'

And then-

'I trust you.'

(Okay you trust me, good to know- good to know you're so desperate for me to hurt you. Don't give me so much responsibility don't I'm only human and I'm going to hurt you don't be so trusting I don't want to hurt you too I don't I don't so I'll keep smiling and maybe you'll believe me when I tell you I'm fine okay, okay? You might as well put your heart in my hand and ask me to CRUSH it for you how could you be so stupid do you WANT me to tear you apart? No? I don't think you do.)

And the second, third, forth, fifth dominoes toppled because of Miku, too.

Miku, and a girl I'd never met before- but Miku had been desperate to introduce me to her.

Her name was Megurine Luka.

Do you know Luka?

...Hmn?

You don't?

That's a surprise.

You knew about Neru and Tei, but you don't know about Luka...

H-hey, why are you looking at me like that? What did I do? Did I say something funny?

I didn't... do anything... did I?

Did I...?

Y-you say it doesn't matter?

O-okay then...

I'm sure I didn't do anything strange, but... I-I mean, I know I _am _strange, but-

F-fine.

I won't question you about it.

L-let me tell you about Megurine Luka, then.

No- in fact...

I'll tell you the story. About how I met her, I mean. It's not soap opera level dramatics, and Luka wasn't a princess I single-handedly saved from some tower or whatever- it's fairly basic, standard stuff.

And, as far as I know, Luka's still alive.

So that's good.

A-at least I didn't fuck _her_ life up.

Ahahaha...

Y-yeah, that's not really very funny.

I'm sorry.

That was tasteless of me- and pretty self-deprecating.

I do not kill everything I touch, don't look so scared.

Just most things.

Heh.

Anyway.

I-it might be a little mean of me to talk about Luka if you don't already know who she is. I-it's not like she has any debilitating disease or something, far from it- Luka's quite pretty. But it might upset Miku... S-she trusted me (there's that word again. I hate that word, I really truly hate it, how can you 'trust' anybody if you can't even trust yourself?) not to tell anybody. It was a secret.

B-but I suppose it doesn't matter too much.

I don't think you'll tell anybody. After all, this talk is 'confidential', isn't it?

Alright.

Miku invited me to go out with her one Sunday morning. She said she wanted to introduce me to a friend- a 'very important person', in her own words. I teased her, asking her just how 'important' this person was. Were they, for instance, royalty? Did I have to curtsey when I met them? At this, Miku grew very flustered, and her face went red, and she told me this person was "important to **me**, okay!"

Miku is kind of adorable when she gets flustered. Her eyes go all big, like a cartoon character's, and her lower lip begins to wobble, and sometimes- as she was doing then, right then- she began to tug at her twin tails in distress.

It's a lot of fun pushing Miku's buttons, just to see her go bright red and tug her hair like that.

Ahaha- I know, I know, I'm kind of cruel.

Forgive me.

It was a brief moment of happiness in my otherwise bleak life- and I had to milk the moment for all it was worth.

I-I might have been 'using' Miku, just so I could appear normal- just so Rin wouldn't question me when I'd suddenly become so antisocial, and she wouldn't find those scars... Wouldn't open the lid of all those horrible secrets I wanted to keep buried from prying fingers and judgmental eyes... But, even if I was 'using' Miku, I did value her company, too.

I'm telling the truth.

Believe what you want, but I don't lie.

I haven't lied to you thus far, have I?

No.

Well then.

I began to tease Miku just a little more- asking her why, exactly, this person was 'important' to her. Was it her '_boooy_friend?' Miku's face went crimson at that- it looked like her whole head was on fire. She squeaked and hit me- pretty hard, too- and I had to laugh and apologize.

"Honestly, Len," said Miku, frowning. "You're so mean. When did you get so mean? You're acting just like Rin."

"Hardly," I said, ruffling Miku's tufty turquoise hair. "I'm no way near as bad as her. Don't mind me- I just like making you squirm."

"T-that's not a good thing!"

So Miku arranged for us to go out- shopping, I think. It was a girly past-time, and I wanted to distance myself from 'girly' things as much as possible, having a very... urgh... feminine... figure myself.

Yeah, I know, I know- I'm not exactly the epitome of 'manliness', am I? I'm kind of scrawny, and really short- the exact same height and build as Rin. Rin had dragged me on shopping trips with some of her other friends before, and 'shopping' to me was pretty much synonymous with 'torture'. Rin would frequently make digs about my figure, saying 'oh, this dress would look good on you, Len!', and I'd turn red and sputter like a fish out of water.

Yeah...

I don't have fond memories of shopping.

However, I didn't mind shopping with Miku. Miku didn't tease me half as much as Rin did- even though she did make occasional comments, smiling with that summery smile that made it impossible for me to hate her no matter what came out of her mouth. Mainly, I just wanted to get out of the house.

I...

I didn't really like being at home.

When I was alone, I could think, uninterrupted, about... things.

You know.

Tei.

And Rin.

And sometimes even Neru, just a little.

Thinking was unhealthy, because it always managed to depress me. My smiles, held together with glue and tape, would begin to fracture like breaking glass, and it'd hurt just as much- and my scars crisscrossing against my skin would begin to irritate me, as though my blood stream was filled with writhing, distended maggots. Each maggot was a secret; each scar was shameful- and sometimes I'd sit in the bathtub, roll my sleeves up to my elbow, and scratch; picking at old scars until they opened up and bled out again.

And again.

And again.

It was even worse when I was at home and Rin was there- because I didn't trust myself anymore, and every time she turned to look at me I would feel guilt choking me; crushing my heart between icy fingertips until my whole body felt cold.

It was better with Miku.

I could be happy with Miku.

I met Miku outside the train station, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw her. My smiles were getting less and less fake around Miku- to the point where I think they might have actually been real.

Not just masks, but the truth.

Miku was very, _very_ dressed up for a casual get-together- and I remember thinking this was strange. Miku was always pretty; she could've have been wearing a potato sack with bed hair and bad breath and she still would've been rather pretty (well... maybe not, but you get the idea). However, she'd really dressed herself up for 'going shopping'. She was wearing a white dress with puff sleeves that seemed just a little too... 'dressy' for a simple meeting between friends, and her eyes had been carefully lined with black.

"You look nice," I told her, tugging at one of her twin tails. "You're making me feel under dressed."

Miku pouted, puffing her cheeks out like a blowfish- and I laughed at her.

Miku soon began to laugh too- even though it wasn't really that funny. Miku always made me laugh. We were just having fun, I guess. Friends.

It was nice, having a friend...

"What's with the dress?" I asked Miku, walking round her as I surveyed her carefully put together ensemble of clothes. "You never wear clothes like this when we go out normally."

Miku got very flustered at this and began to tug at the hem of her skirt, saying "I-I just wanted a change..."

Haha. Yeah, right.

I don't know if you know this- you probably don't- but Miku is about as transparent as polythene.

She can't tell a lie.

_Ever_.

I think her tongue would fall off if she tried.

...Now that sounds like an interesting concept for a horror movie.

Miku twittered on about how she wasn't 'dressed up' (a lie), and she wasn't doing it for my benefit (that was probably true) a-and anyway, I was making her embarrassed s-so why didn't I shut up right now and-

"You have a boyfriend," I said, cutting through Miku's spiel.

Miku's eyes went really wide at this. It looked kind of like they were going to fall out of her head- and I began to laugh even more at the scandalized expression that flickered across her face.

"That's the 'important' person you want me to meet. Your _boyfriend_! That's why you've gotten all dressed up!" I said. Then I smiled- feeling as though I'd solved some very complex murder mystery (when, in reality, all I'd done was turn Miku's face the color of a strawberry- which was still an achievement I felt proud of). "How's my reasoning, Watson?"

"I-I'm not a Watson," Miku said- still sounding scandalized. "A-and it's not... Not really a _boy_friend... Aheheheh..."

"I can't let you go out with a BOY, Miku! You're so pure and innocent! I need to defend your honor! If any boy other than me lays a hand on you, I'll... I'll unleash my wrath! I'll break all his fingers!" I said. It might not have been that, exactly- I can't quite remember- but it was something suitably over-the-top and along those lines.

I must've sounded like an over-protective father.

Or maybe I just sounded like a weirdo.

It's fun to tease Miku. Her face goes bright red, and she completely forgets how to speak. It's kind of amazing, really. You should try it some time.

No thanks?

Ahaha.

I guess you're not as cheerfully sadistic as me, then.

Ha.

Blame Rin for my cruelty. It's entirely her fault.

Anyway, just as Miku was squeaking "I-it's not even like that!", our childish banter was interrupted by the arrival of the long awaited (for about five minutes) 'mystery person X'.

Miku's boyfriend.

At least...

It _should _have been Miku's boyfriend.

But it wasn't.

It wasn't a boy at all.

The boobs sort of gave it away- and they kind of difficult not to notice.

The girl who ran towards us was rather tall- far taller than me. By about a head. N-not that it's difficult to be taller than me. I mean, I'm pretty short- in case you hadn't already noticed. It was just another thing Rin and Miku liked to poke fun at me about...

Ahaha. I'm not bitter about it. I'm not bitter at all!

Every time Rin makes fun of my height I mix toilet water with her orange juice, so it's okay.

W-what?

No, I was only joking- don't take it to heart.

I would never do something like that!

…I don't think.

Of course, it didn't help that the tall girl was wearing high heels- and those heels were going clack clack clack as she ran gracefully towards us.

I think there should be a rule about tall girls being able to wear high heels. It's not fair. If you're that tall already, why do you need them? To make the short people feel even worse? Especially the short guys.

That's not cool.

_Seriously._

She had long, salmon pink hair (an unusual color) and, though I couldn't tell at the moment- but Miku told me later, speaking in that gushy way of hers she usually saves to wax poetic on movie stars or singers- she had blue eyes. 'Like sapphires!' Miku had said- squealing so loudly you would've needed about fifteen exclamation points to fully punctuate it.

Her name was Megurine Luka.

An effortlessly beautiful girl. Or maybe I should've called her a 'woman', given how curvy her figure was. It was the complete opposite of Miku's. Her body was still flat as a board, and hadn't matured since kindergarten (save her height- of course). I teased Miku about a lot of things, but I never poked fun at her figure- even if Miku made jabs at mine. Girls can be self-conscious about that kind of thing.

Not Miku's 'boyfriend', then.

But...

Well.

I'm not a particularly dense person. At least, I like to think I'm not. My report cards are proof enough I'm not a complete idiot.

And I knew Miku and Luka were more than just friends.

Miku's eyes lit up when she saw Luka; shining like galaxies. Her love for the pink-haired girl was fairly… obvious…

But, then again, Miku has never been the world's most subtle person.

Miku's face went red when she saw Luka, though she tried to hide her blush behind her bangs- and when she introduced Luka to me, she called her 'my, u-um... my... 'friend...'

Miku stuttered far more than was necessary when she introduced me to her 'u-um, _friend_'.

And it was then that I realized.

Hatsune Miku, my best friend, was in love with another girl.

And I'd never even seen it coming.

But I suppose I'd had plenty of signs.

That awkward kiss in the library being one of them.

It didn't change my opinion of Miku- of course it didn't. That would be hypocritical, wouldn't it? A case of the pot calling the kettle black.

Or, in this case, the sick, incestuous boy calling his best friend disgusting for being a lesbian.

...Yeah.

It sounds quite harsh when you phrase it like that, doesn't it?

Being in love with somebody the same gender as you is nothing compared to loving your own twin. When Miku was with Luka, her face was wreathed with smiles the whole while. It would be cruel of me to say 'no, this is wrong' when it was obvious Miku was… _overjoyed_ around Luka. I'd never seen her look so happy before; not even when she was with me. It was almost sickening, if I'm being perfectly honest- but, haha, you should probably ignore me.

I guess I'm just jealous.

A bitter, jealous, lonely teenager.

Can you blame me for being cynical, really?

I've... never liked seeing happy couples together.

Not even on TV.

Hmn.

Maybe that's the real reason why I can't stand sappy romance novels or movies.

Jealousy.

Maybe that's why I even felt like cheering at the end of Titanic.

Aha, I watched that movie with Miku and Rin for the first time when we were both about... thirteen, I think. Miku cried for hours; enough tears escaping from her eyes to almost sink a real ship. I, on the other hand, felt elated when I saw the damn thing splinter apart. I mean, that was the reason why I'd watched the movie in the first place- and I didn't like my historical documentaries being ruined with hammered-in, overly cheesy romantic drama.

In the words of my lovely sister Rin, "this is boring! Give me a call when everything goes to hell and the people start getting killed!"

...Yeah, I am a horrible person.

I guess I'm more like Rin than I thought.

I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, ahaha.

Titanic is probably the only movie Miku and I both enjoy, though. She loves the romantic aspects of it, and I like the history. She cries at the ending, and I feel like doing a victory dance. We enjoy it for different reasons, but that's okay. I think we've seen that movie like… thirteen or fourteen times between us.

...Those are fond memories.

Whoa, I didn't mean to reminisce.

E-even though this is nothing but reminiscing, really.

So I don't suppose it really matters if I go off on a tangent- b-but I hope I'm not boring you.

Anyway...

Ahem.

Despite my initial jealousy over Miku and Luka, I was happy for them. I liked Luka- I really did (despite the fact I had to crane my neck to look up at her, until it began to ache). After we'd been shopping (which had, essentially, boiled down to Miku dragging Luka around by her arm whilst Luka sighed and tried to pretend she wasn't enjoying herself- which she plainly was) the three of us sat down in a small cafe to talk. Miku sat next to Luka, far closer than was really necessary- and every time Luka turned her head to look at Miku, Miku's face went bright red.

Luka was quiet, like me- and I think maybe she was just a little shy, even though she was smiling. Maybe she was embarrassed because Miku was being so clingy- but she never pushed Miku away, or snapped at her. She would only laugh.

Luka had a nice laugh.

And Luka seemed to laugh a lot around Miku.

According to Miku, Luka was an art student at the local college- a whole three years older than us. That made me feel just a little bit better about Luka being so much taller than me. Miku said she'd met Luka a few months ago at the park. Luka had been drawing something, and Miku- being the curious person she was- had oh-so-subtly tried to see what it was.

It had been a girl.

A girl with long, turquoise hair tied up in two pigtails.

"I-it was me!" Miku exclaimed- and I could help but smile at how adorably flustered she was.

"I-it was embarrassing," said Luka, poking Miku in the cheek with her red-striped straw. "I didn't want you to see, because it made me feel like a weirdo... L-like a stalker or something, d-drawing a picture of you… A-and the picture wasn't even that good; not really. A-and yet you got so over-excited; all these people started staring at me..."

"I'm sorry~ I-I just... I couldn't help it. I was really flattered! Nobody's drawn a picture of me before," said Miku, smiling- coyly winding strands of turquoise hair round and round her finger.

"W-well. You were the..." Luka began- but her voice trailed away into infinity.

I must admit, I was curious. There were a large number of things I could insert after that phrase.

'You were the strangest person there', perhaps?

N-not that Miku acts that 'strange'. She's perfectly normal- her incredibly long hair that must drag down her head notwithstanding. I just like poking fun at Miku. It's fun trying to name all the different shades of red her face can turn.

You should try it some time.

It's soothing.

"What was I? What was I?" Miku asked, her voice becoming rather eager, as she tugged at Luka's arm.

"Y-you were…" Luka paused, looking down at her lap.

That was somewhat surprising.

Luka seemed like a very confident, self-assured person. I mean, any girl who could wear heels that high had to confident- assured that they wouldn't trip and fall over in the middle of the street.

Luka was the sort of person who commanded attention simply by being in a room. Her height might have had something to do with it; it was colossal!

Okay…

Okay, maybe it wasn't 'colossal'. I'm exaggerating.

I guess I'm a little bitter about my own lack of height.

Haha.

Rin's teasing must've gotten under my skin.

Y-you say I'm perfectly fine the way I am?

Ahaha- thank you.

O-oh, anyway…

Luka looked like a very confident person; especially given her leather jacket, short skirt and high heels. I know it's wrong to judge people by their clothes, but clothes can be a lot more telling than people think. Why else do you think I only ever wear long sleeved shirts?

N-not that I'm saying all people who wear long sleeved clothes are…

B-but you get the idea.

Therefore, it was… surprising- almost 'cute'- to see the mature, sophisticated, well-spoken Megurine Luka turn bright red.

"Y-you… were the prettiest person there… A-and you caught my eye. T-that's just how it was!" Luka finally admitted- caving into Miku's demands.

As soon as she'd said it she flushed, and had to duck her head- taking a sip of her iced tea just so she could hide her face, I think.

It was…

It was really _cute._

Unexpected, but adorable.

Miku giggled at that, and then- in a show of 'love' straight from some corny movie- she gave Luka a quick kiss on the cheek.

Yeah.

They were definitely in love- I could tell. If they'd been characters in a video game, little pink hearts would've been fluttering around their heads, and hearts would've punctuated the end of every sentence that came from Miku's mouth.

They were like characters from a movie, I swear. I thought 'love' like that only existed in fairy tales or something- and Miku herself spoke about their friendship as though it **was** a fairytale; as though she were a heroine who'd been swept away by her one true love.

Luka got quite flustered at this, and would occasionally punctuate Miku's words with "well, I guess so but…" and "it wasn't like that" and "d-don't give your friend the wrong idea…"

Awww. I felt like patting Luka on the head (although we weren't really on head-patting terms- so it probably would've looked quite creepy).

Miku is a really sweet girl, but she can talk for hours and _hours _about topics she really likes. I figured this out at the tender age of five, when Miku corned me in the sand box and gave me a very long, very detailed description of her cat, 'Nyan-chan' (an… _inspired _name). You have to learn to shut Miku up before she makes your ears bleed. I guess Luka hadn't learnt about that 'shutting Miku up' thing, though- or maybe she was just too polite to try- because she let Miku talk and talk and _talk._

In the end, it fell upon little old me to force the subject away from Luka and onto more neutral topics. Luka gave me a small, relieved smile and a nod at this- and I smiled back.

I think she liked me.

I think.

We still weren't on head-patting terms though; not like Miku and I.

The three of us were talking about music (Luka liked a load of the bands I did, strangely enough), when Luka's ring tone interrupted us. Luka's ring tone was a surprise, too. She'd spoken excitedly about some metal bands she really liked (but apparently she had a soft spot for classical music, too, and she'd been playing the violin for four years)- but her ring tone was a strangely familiar song I'd heard on TV more than a couple of times.

Maybe you've heard of this song, too.

It's about as far away from death metal as you can get. It's like… I'm not going to sing it, but it's…

Ahem.

'_Get this, you're loving it, vegetable juice-'_

Yeah, you do know that song!

Everybody does. It's on that one commercial they run **all** the time, with a girl in it who looks eerily like Miku singing about… wishing bloody murder on people who don't like her juice, I guess. Actually… it's quite a creepy advert.

I'm sorry, I'm giving this more thought that I should. Ignore me.

Every time that ad comes on TV Rin'll get up and start to dance along with it for the twenty seconds or so it graces the screen- just because it's _that _catchy.

I know the dance too.

Everybody does.

Even you, huh?

Your daughter really likes that ad?

You're sick of hearing it?

Hahaha- I understand what you mean! It's irritatingly catchy!

Luka flushed in embarrassment (it was completely understandable) as that song filled the café. It didn't really fit Luka's image. I knew, almost at once, from Miku's sheepish smile, that she was the cause of that inappropriate ring tone.

Miku must have fiddled around with Luka's phone when the pink-haired girl's back was turned.

What a sneaky girl.

Anyway, Luka had to excuse herself shortly after that phone call. She said she was very sorry, but she had to leave- something about her stupid friend Gakupo being locked out of their apartment and he'd lost his key, so could she please come over and let him in?

Luka gave me a small smile and said something along the lines of "it was nice to see you, Len" (she was a very polite person) and then Luka turned to Miku. She looked... confused, for a few seconds- and almost nervous; before, seeming to say 'screw it', she bent down, cupped Miku's flustered cheek with her fingers, and pressed a quick kiss against Miku's lips.

When Luka left, turning many heads as she did so- she was undeniably pretty- Miku and I were left in silence. The noise and chatter of the other people in the cafe washed over us; and Miku sat there, her face flushed and a silly smile quirking the corners of her mouth, as she nursed her half-finished glass of vegetable juice in her hands.

"L-luka's my... m-my g... my... gi-gi..." Miku started- her voice about as broken as the plate Rin dropped the night before.

I had to supply the word 'girlfriend' for Miku- and Miku nodded, looking strangely relieved.

Miku's fingers gripped around her glass of vegetable juice (disgusting stuff, no matter what the advert says. Everybody knows adverts are all complete fabrications to appeal to your base instincts so you buy all sorts of useless crap you don't want or need) so tightly her knuckles turned white, and I was seriously concerned that Miku would shatter it. Miku, despite her girlish appearance, was quite strong. Not as strong as Rin- but I'd been on the receiving end of a few of Miku's punches before (usually because I was teasing her- Miku wasn't really that violent, and I deserved every jab in the ribs or flick to the forehead she'd ever given me), and they were quite painful. I had no doubts that Miku could've shattered that glass if she really wanted to- and she seemed determined to try.

"Hey, stop that," I said, reaching forwards to pull the glass from Miku's steel grip.

Miku surprised me, however. She released the glass almost immediately, nearly toppling it over- and then she seized my wrist, using the same bone-crushing strength she'd previously used to hold the glass.

I was kind of worried she'd actually _**break**_ me.

If Miku was that rough with Luka, Luka's artist and musical prospects could end up being severely damaged.

O-okay, I'm sorry- I'm being a pervert.

I can't help it.

Lesbians are still hot- even to a guy like them.

Even if one of them is my ditzy, air-headed, turquoise-haired best friend.

…Geez. I'm a creeper.

Miku looked at me intently, her eyes wide, her expression deadly serious.

"Y-you don't think it's weird, do you?" Miku asked, her voice dropping in volume.

"Yes. I think you're very weird. I always have done," I joked lightly. I mean, I know it was cruel- but Miku was _hurting _me.

"I-I mean... About... About Luka..." Miku clarified, her face red with embarrassment. Honestly, I think Miku's face spent a good seventy percent of that day bright red- which couldn't have been healthy.

I couldn't help but wonder if she'd explode if I pushed her buttons even harder- but, ultimately, I decided not to.

That would have been mean.

And not even I was that cruel.

"It's not weird. It's not weird at all," I reassured Miku.

Miku looked at me in disbelief, as though she'd expected me to... I don't know. Throw the glass of vegetable juice in her face or something. Maybe she'd been hoping for a more dramatic end to her confession- but, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't the glass-throwing type of person.

I didn't really like making a scene.

"R-really?" Miku asked.

"Really. I mean, you could be in love with a potted plant for all I care. You'd still be the same dorky, weird girl with a crooked nose to me," I said, smirking.

"M-my nose isn't crooked!" Miku said, clapping her fingers against her face just to make sure- and this made both of us laugh.

Laughter was good.

It diffused the tension somewhat.

"I honestly... I-I thought you'd... think it was strange. I-it is strange. Isn't it?" said Miku, once her nose-related trauma had subsided.

"It's not, honestly. You could like whoever you wanted, and it wouldn't change you. Being in love with Luka doesn't make you a different person- it just... adds to the Hatsune Miku-ness of you. As a whole. If you get what I'm saying," I said, using my 'amazing powers of eloquence'.

Miku giggled again, and reached over to poke me in the cheek- very nearly upending her vegetable juice again. I guess the relief made her clumsy; I had to take hold of the drink and push it to the furthest end of the table, free of Miku's flailing arms.

"You're bad at talking, Len. You're sweet- but you suck at explaining things," said Miku.

"Oh, that's right. Insult me. Insult me when I'm trying to comfort you," I said, rolling my eyes.

Miku apologized, still smiling.

"How long have you been going out with Luka, then?" I asked.

Miku tapped her lower lip with her finger and looked around the nondescript cafe, pondering. She said she thought it was about two months- but she wasn't really sure. 'Time just flies when I'm with Luka!' was what Miku said- not a trace of irony in her voice.

_Bleurghhh._

How long had Miku been waiting to use those cheesy quotes stolen from romance novels?

I had to mime being sick at that.

I just _had_ to.

I hope you understand.

Miku poked my cheek again at that, and said I was... I don't know, 'a heartless person who didn't understand true love!', and I probably replied with another half-hearted insult, and in a matter of seconds we were bickering with each other again.

"Why didn't you tell me about Luka anyway? I thought you 'trusted' me?" I said, my fingers providing little mid-air quoety marks of disbelief around that one word.

'Trust.'

"I do trust you," said Miku. She sobered up quite quickly after that question- looking down at her lap, lacing her fingers together. Her voice was little more than a whisper when she admitted, "I-I was just... scared..."

"I'm scary? I don't have two heads or anything," I said.

"I know... It's just... E-ever since I started junior high boys have been... I-I've heard them talking about me... A-and they watch me... B-but no girls. Never girls. S-so I thought it wasn't normal..." said Miku, flushing.

Miku and I had a heart-to-heart after that. Fairly predictable stuff; things like 'you should always be true to your true self!' (yeah. That'd be a bundle of laughs for me, trying to follow _that_ one) and 'it's okay, it's not weird' (which I had to repeat an awful lot, just to keep Miku smiling). You can probably figure out for yourself how the conversation went- but I don't really want to tell you.

It's private.

Besides, it's kind of sappy.

And embarrassing.

I-isn't that just a little strange?

I-I told you all about all that stuff with Tei... And Rin... A-and yet I feel even more uncomfortable talking to you about this?

How does that work?

Well, 'this' topic is really more about Miku than me. It's not really my place to share this information. I-I wouldn't have done, either, if it wasn't important.

But it is.

I-I'm sorry for spilling your secret, Miku.

Miku told me she would have told me sooner- but she was scared. Scared of being rejected, I suppose; and that would have broken her heart. She said she was sorry if she'd been distant lately- but she'd had a lot on her mind, and she hadn't been sure how to communicate it.

I said it was okay.

After all, I'd been fairly 'distant' too- wrapped up in my own problems.

But, after our encounter in the cafeteria, when Miku said she 'trusted' me, Miku realized how much she meant that. She really did. And she wanted to prove it by introducing me to Luka.

"I-I was a little scared… B-but I was sure you'd support me. T-that's what friends do, right?" said Miku, smiling that innocent, naïve little smile that suggested she knew nothing about how human beings really functioned.

But, then again…

I was glad she didn't.

If being naïve meant Miku was happy…

Then that was all I cared about.

Miku deserved to be happy.

Miku and I sat there in the café, the comforting, homely smell of coffee and cakes dancing through the air. We had some weird knack, the two of us, for being able to pick out of the way places to sit in otherwise crowded environments- because the cafe was kind of L-shaped, and the table we chose was round the corner of the 'L' shape. Most of the other people were sat by the entrance- but Miku and I were separate from all of them. The only indication the other people were still there was the sounds of their conversations- but their voices could have been emitting from a whole other world, speaking a whole other language, for all the attention we paid it.

I guess our inbuilt ability to find the quietest of corners to hide away in showed that Miku and I were both shy people.

Birds of a feather flock together?

Miku smiled at me as our conversation drew to a close- and it looked like her eyes were watering, although it have been a trick of the light. Maybe I was seeing things.

"Thank you, Len. You're... such a kind person. I-I was stupid to ever doubt you," said Miku.

I laughed, tugging at one of her twin tails- a habit I'd developed since kindergarten. Miku used to be quite selfish when she was a child (I'm not sure when that changed), and she'd frequently try and steal my toy dinosaur. The only way to halt Miku's tyrannical reign was to pull her hair- and I guess the habit stuck, even though we both grew up and grew closer.

"You _were_ stupid to doubt me. But I forgive you," I said.

"T-thank you... I-if you'd turned your back on me... I-I don't know what I would've done," said Miku. I soon realized those sparkling eyes weren't a trick of the light- because a few seconds later, Miku really started to cry; tears running down her cheek before she could wipe them away.

I'm not sure if she even realized she was crying or not.

But, as I laughed at her and mopped those tears away with a napkin, I was... reminded of something.

Tei.

Tei, looking at me with those hopeful, trusting eyes.

And I'd betrayed that trust.

I'd...

I'd killed her.

I might as well have pushed her under the car myself.

But Miku was different.

Miku was crying, sure- but I think they were tears of relief more than anything else; and, as her eyes widened (realizing, I guess, that tears were trickling down her cheeks onto the table top), she slowly began to laugh. Through her tears, and through her initial confusion- the fear of being rejected- Miku laughed.

I...

I think I might have helped her- simply by being there.

Simply by listening to her fears and comforting her; not running away.

Running away didn't solve anything.

And, as Miku and I sat together, both laughing- truly laughing (I don't think I could have acted that well for the world)- I began to realize something.

I might not have been able to save Tei.

But that didn't make me a bad person.

Miku didn't think I was a bad person.

And...

I couldn't keep running from my fears.

I couldn't turn my back on them and purge them all out with pain when nobody was watching.

I had to confront my own fear head-on, just like Miku had done.

Then...

Then I'd be able to smile just as happily as Miku was.

I had to tell Rin.

I _had_ to.

It was the only way I'd be able to go forwards.

It was the only way I'd be able to grow.

And so, thanks to Hatsune Miku and Megurine Luka, another domino was knocked over.

And the chain reaction began.

The beginning of the end?

I guess you could call it that if you like.

Miku and Luka were… 'destined' for happiness, I suppose.

But some people aren't.

And…

I hadn't quite grasped that then.

B-but…

But I understand that now.

I-I really, truly do.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **I ~really~ like this chapter XD; I think it's my favorite in this whole fic. I tried to capture some realism in here, kinda like the scene with Len and Miku in the library in chapter 2. And (le gasp!) this chapter isn't just Len being unhappy. I think it gives him a bit more personality. Like, this is the person he _could_ have been if his life wasn't so suck.  
>Yeah, things happen/ in this chapter XD Things that will lead to other things o: Important things!  
>The next chapter will be the final one.<br>Plus an epilogue.

Expect a lot more Rin in those :D

Gahh I'm really psyched to write the next chapter now :3

Fssh I have all these complex back stories thought up for relatively minor characters, like Neru and Tei and Luka, and I can't tell them here because of the limited first person narration XD Len can't give you information he doesn't know himself ._.  
>I guess I might really have to do that oneshot collection exploring these minor characters more after this fic is finished XDD;<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	8. I like I love you

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Chapter Eight

'I-I like you, I love you'

* * *

><p>You might be wondering how my... aheh, I would say 'encounter', but that sounds a little ominous, doesn't it? I'll settle for 'meeting'.<p>

Yes.

Anyway.

You might be wondering how my meeting with Megurine Luka changed anything. After all, I had a rather good time with Luka and Miku. I _liked _Luka. I can only assume, if I'll see her in the future, I'll still like her- unless she's had some strange personality transplant. Luka's a nice person- and if she makes Miku happy that's all that matters, isn't it?

Of course it is.

But my meeting with Luka sparked something inside me; something that had been lying latent for a long while...

I-I'm not even sure how to describe it. It's a little difficult finding words for all these feelings- and words are easily misunderstood. Badly communicated. In the end, what comes from your mouth could be completely different to what's circulating in your head- and nobody would know if you couldn't explain it, would they? It'd be different if I could actually cut open my head and show you a cross-section of my thoughts... But I guess stuff like that only exists in science fiction. Maybe that's a good thing. If it was as easy to pick through thoughts as it is to choose a book in the library, my life would be _miserable;_ not even worth living.

Not that it's a bag of rainbows and sunshine at the minute... Ahaha.

But I'm still here.

I'm sat in this uncomfortable chair in this office, and I'm talking to you.

I'm not dead.

I-I think you know that already, hahaha.

I guess...

I'm not like Tei...

Well...

I-I'm sorry- I'm straying off the subject matter. I do that a lot, don't I?

I don't want to bore you.

Y-you say it's alright?

Okay...

Well.

When I met Luka, and I saw how plainly happy- how disgustingly lovey-dovey- she was with Miku, it made me feel jealous. I've already touched on this subject matter already, haven't I? I already told you I was jealous- but... But I guess it's important enough to tell you twice (or thrice? How many times has it been? I can't remember). Seeing Miku and Luka together made me want things- want things for myself.

I'd... always wanted things, of course. But I never had enough courage to act on them.

I think seeing Luka and Miku gave me that courage.

Miku had been stewing away in her own worry for a few months, pondering whether she should tell me or not. She'd been dragging a secret around with her, too- and whilst it wasn't as heavy as mine (n-not that I'm trying to rank our 'deepest, darkest secrets' in order of importance or anything. T-that would be kind of arrogant, saying '_no, I have more problems than you'_), it had still been strangling her.

When Miku told me how she felt, that weight had lifted from her shoulders, and she'd smiled.

A beautiful smile.

When you told people how you felt- even if you couldn't truly trust them- it... it made the pain just a little bit easier to bear.

And I was jealous of Miku and Luka.

They had a happy relationship, even though it wasn't viewed as 'right' by a large portion of society- and they were comfortable with each other despite that- and they were _happy_.

I'd always been in love with Rin, but I never thought to tell her.

W-well, that's not strictly true. I had thought to tell her- many, many times.

But it never progressed past thoughts.

And those thoughts were never cheerful ones, either. My brain never gave me the fairytale happy endings Miku loved so much when I tried to imagine what would happen if I really did confess. In my mind's eye I always saw Rin turning on me- her eyes narrowed- her face fraught with disgust- and if I tried to reach out to her, she would push me away.

A demon Rin with red eyes and a shouting mouth that seemed to swallow up half of her face.

A Rin who couldn't stand me.

A Rin who... couldn't even bear to touch me- let alone look at me.

A Rin who thought I was sick.

That was what my mind threw at me every time I thought to confess- and, you know what (I'm sure you already know), it was...

It was _horrifying._

I loved Rin more than anything in the world- not just as a... well, not just in a physical way, but as my twin sister, too. She didn't stop being by big sister Rin just because I wanted to have sex with her- of course not. In my mind, she was still my twin; still the outgoing girl who'd pushed me forwards when I was a child and introduced me to the world beyond books; still the girl I'd baked cookies with whilst flour coated our fingers and every available surface; still the girl I would tease about her poor grades or her untidy bedroom and, in return, be teased by because of my hyper-sensitive nature and short stature.

Rin never stopped being my sister.

And she never stopped being the person I loved.

If Rin had been a random stranger it wouldn't have mattered half so much. Not only because there was no social stigma attached to falling in love with a stranger (well, it depended who the stranger was, of course)- but also because, if she hated me, it wouldn't be that bad, because I wouldn't have to live with her.

I wouldn't have all the memories of the times we'd been together to haunt me- a reminder of what could have been.

Rin was my twin, and I could never forget that.

I could never forget the happy times we'd shared. And if she hated me I'd still have those memories left to mock me- a bitter reminder of what could have been.

Of what I'd ruined.

I was… afraid of ruining those happy memories.

Rin's happy smile.

If Rin had been a stranger it would have been easier to confess- even though I've never been very good with words. But if a stranger thought I was sick, I could… cope with it.

But not if Rin thought I was sick.

Twisted.

Or she hated me.

I-I was...

I was too afraid to tell her.

To afraid to do anything other than make myself miserable.

So I lied to myself and pretended everything was okay.

I made everything better with pain.

But I could never quite fool myself. I couldn't even fool Rin. Rin knew something was wrong with me. I'm sure she did.

My ill-concealed grief was like a disease; seeping through skin and bone until it ate you right through- and Rin was getting infected.

After Tei's death- after I became more withdrawn and paranoid- Rin began to look... less cheerful.

I'd always associated Rin with the color yellow. I think it was a childish association that stemmed back, what, thirteen or fourteen years ago? Rin's hair is blonde- though, when I was a kid drawing crappy 'my family' pictures, I'd always color Rin's hair in that awful puce yellow wax crayon color. I didn't have a wax crayon refined enough to show just how pretty Rin's real hair was. And I think the association between Rin and yellow stuck. It didn't hurt that she had such a summery personality, either.

But, after Tei's death...

I don't know.

Rin started to look less 'yellow' to me.

Instead, she slowly began to turn grey.

I was making her miserable.

Rin knew something was wrong, but every time she tried to ask me I'd turn away, or turn to Miku. Miku said she 'trusted' me; and whilst I was reluctant to believe that, it also meant Miku was less likely to ask me obtrusive questions than Rin was.

Besides, it was easier to lie to Miku.

I'd been avoiding Rin for about three months.

Pushing her away.

Locking myself in the bathroom when Rin wasn't at home.

Y-you already know what I was doing in there... s-so it doesn't matter.

I don't need to describe it again.

G-give me a break.

I can only talk through this much trauma before I feel like sticking a fork in my eye. I'm only human.

But my talk with Miku changed my outlook on life. Miku told me all sorts of things- and it wasn't just meaningless chatter. Some of what she said really stuck with me- and I think (although I feel guilty about it now) it was the first time I'd really sat there and tried, properly tried, to _understand _Miku. It was the first time in... in God only knows how long I'd actually listened to another person's problems. And I realized I wasn't the only one in the world who'd ever felt lost, confused, scared of my own feelings- scared of admitting them to other people, scared of what would happen if I didn't- and alone.

Miku said if she hadn't had somebody to confide in, she might have gone mad.

I laughed and told her I understood.

Because I did.

Miku made me understand.

I couldn't keep pretending there was nothing wrong- and besides, Rin had already grown suspicious.

I didn't want worry Rin anymore.

I...

I wanted her 'color' to be yellow again- as strange as that sounds (but it makes sense to me, and I guess that's all that really matters).

I'd been selfish. I'd been so wrapped up in my own problems I hadn't given much thought to other people and how I was impacting them.

I'd hurt Miku.

I'd hurt Rin.

I'd hurt all the people who cared about me.

My mind had been focused on Tei for such a long time. I think a part of me (the rational part, perhaps?) died when Tei did. But it was then, as Miku smiled and told me about how she 'really, truly loved Luka' that it finally hit me.

Tei was _dead_.

Once upon a time, I might have been able to help her. But that moment was passed now.

I couldn't do a thing.

I couldn't pick Tei off the road and piece her back together; not when her rotting remains had already been buried under six inches of dirt in the local cemetery.

I couldn't help a dead girl.

And agonizing over her cold-eyed corpse and icy pulse every night wouldn't bring her back.

But I _**had**_ helped Miku.

Miku was alive and well, and when she'd looked at me, smiling- "I knew I could rely on you, Len"- it suddenly hit me.

I couldn't keep living in the past.

Why would I want to live in the past anyway? The past was full of pale-skinned girls with empty eyes who reached for me with dead hands- gnarled hands, like twisted tree roots- and tried to pull me under. But the future was bright and vibrant and cheerful.

I couldn't change the past- but I could change the future.

Whoa. I sound like a postcard or a motivational poster or something, don't I?

This is so corny.

B-but that doesn't change the fact that I'd… 'seen the light', I guess.

I couldn't save Tei- not anymore.

But I could save myself.

I could try and become a stronger person.

A _better_ person.

A person who- like Miku and Luka- wasn't afraid to say what he was.

I didn't want to hide anymore.

I had to confess to Rin.

I had to.

It knew my 'confession' might hurt Rin, or scare her, and maybe she would turn against me- maybe she would shy away in disgust. But telling her my true feelings would be kinder than _not _telling her and letting her worry about me.

Rin was worried about me. I could tell.

It was obvious.

Rin had stopped bossing me about as much. She'd also stopped sending me off on midnight errands to get more peanut butter from the twenty four hour store or whatever. Instead, Rin would look at me- really look at me- as though she were trying to see through my mind.

As though she was... begging me to open up to her.

She wanted me back.

She wanted to see Kagamine Len again- I'm sure.

Her brother.

And I was going to show her.

I was going to sit down and talk to her and tell her who 'Kagamine Len' really was. The bad as well as the good- because no human being was perfect. Least of all me.

I'd lay my feelings bare for Rin's eyes; even the parts of me I wanted to forget.

But if I told Rin, I could go forwards.

I could leave the past behind me.

And maybe I'd stop being so afraid.

* * *

><p>When did I decide to tell Rin all of that?<p>

Well, those thoughts- the ones I tried (quite poorly, I think. I'm no public speaker, haha...) to convey to you yesterday, were running through my head when I walked home from town. I could have taken a bus (it would've been quicker to take a bus) but...

Well.

It might sound silly, but after the incident with Tei I developed a kind of... aversion to buses. Don't ask me why. I know it doesn't make much sense. I mean, I wasn't going to run out into the road and let myself get hit; of course not. But some strange, Pavlovian response in the back of my mind had linked buses to Tei, and- subsequently- Tei to... a large manner of depressing things, and that was a can of worms I'd rather keep the lid very much and very firmly **on.**

So I didn't take the bus.

I haven't since I heard about Tei's death, either.

I don't know, maybe that's a good thing. It encourages me to use my legs more.

Then again, it's not like I need to exercise, having such a pitiful figure already...

Anyway- as I walked home, I turned those thoughts over and over inside my head. At some points it felt like there were several Kagamine Lens inside my head, warring between what I should do. Should I tell Rin? Shouldn't I? I couldn't decide- and by the time I'd finally got home I was glad the walk was so long, because it gave me enough time to think.

And, after half an hour of almost continuous debating from the multiple Kagamine Lens inside my head (that... sounds pretty crazy, doesn't it?), I finally had my answer.

I was going to tell her.

I _had_ to tell her.

I'd been putting it off for three years- but I suppose I'd always known, the day I woke up sweating with Rin's face running through my mind, that I was going to _have _to tell her at one point.

I'd hoped it had just been a 'phase', a 'crush'- some weird psychological Freud-esque thing that would wear off in time; that would wear off when I got to high school and met another girl. Maybe a girl like Tei.

But it wasn't a 'phase', and it wasn't a 'crush'.

I was... really in love with Rin.

I couldn't run away from that fact anymore- and I couldn't force that 'love' out of my body in streams of blood and biting pain.

It was the truth.

And Rin deserved to know the truth.

Rin wasn't at home when I first arrived- and, to be honest, I was a little thankful for that. It meant I had some more time to think things through; plan what I was going to say.

There was a note left on the fridge door when I went to pour myself a glass of milk; crumpled white paper scrawled with Rin's childish print- 'Hey, LenLen! I've gone to the movies with Kaito and Kaiko and Iroha. You know Iroha, right? She's in your class. I'll be back home at half six! You better have the dinner on when I get back, wifey!~ No I'm not even kidding hahaha' and the note was punctuated with a bunch of wobbly kisses. Each and every one of those little 'x's made my heartbeat stagger.

Rin's fridge notes are always... interesting. We used to communicate with each other through those notes, like normal people would use cell phones. Rin always used to leave me small messages after she'd eaten something that didn't belong to her, and I'd usually respond with a 'well you'll have to go to the store and buy more cereal then won't you, you pig?' and Rin would jot back on the other side of my note 'noo! It's not my responsibility- you're the dorky, house-proud one with his own girly apron!' and...

Yeah, w-we...

We haven't done that in a while.

We used to argue through notes pinned to the fridge all the time, just like little kids- but we stopped that when we got into high school.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw the note. Somehow, it seemed like a...

Geez, I'm going to sound really sappy and sentimental.

O-okay.

To me, that note felt like a 'sign'. It was a reminder of the friendship I'd had with Rin; fraught with sibling rivalry, yes, but we really _had_ loved each other.

If I'd been unsure before, that note gave the small push I needed to gather together what little remained of my confidence.

I had to tell Rin.

I wanted us to get that old relationship back.

And that would never happen if we kept secrets.

I laughed to myself at Rin's messy handwriting (I could tell she'd jotted it down in a rush), and then removed the magnet keeping the note in place with my fingers. I scribbled a quick response to Rin's note on the back of the crumpled piece of paper. It took me a while to find a working pen, though- and, in the end, I had to settle on a crappy blue pen that had been chewed through the end, so every time I tried to write the nib went up inside. That pen was one of Rin's many, many victims. She eats through like two or three pens with every English essay she has to write- and, as such, we never have any pens in the house that haven't been chewed to pieces because of her and her beaver-like habits.

It's actually incredibly annoying.

There are many things I like about Rin, but that isn't one of them. It's a terrible habit.

I can't remember what I put on the note. I think it was something fairly corny; something like 'I'm your wife? Fsssh I always knew you loved me, Rin'.

Then I poured myself a glass of milk and drank it slowly, my eyes fixed on the clock.

It was... about five thirty, I think.

I had an hour.

An hour to sit and wait for Rin.

And I didn't know what to do.

My heart was beating way too fast, and my head was shifting through various nightmare scenarios my botched confession could bring about so rapidly it felt like I was going to be sick.

None of the scenarios were very good.

Sometimes I hate being such a realist. It's depressing.

I actually contemplated making myself sick, just to see if it would staunch the nerves that were running through my body- but I eventually decided against that. Making myself sick wouldn't help anything.

N-not to mention…

A-and a trip to the bathroom could result in _something else_- and I didn't want to run away anymore.

It felt like the scars on my arms were screaming at me.

I forced myself to stay in the living room, sat on our cracked black sofa, staring at the clock.

Trying to calm my nerves.

I think my hands were shaking.

H-hell, I don't think I can properly describe my feelings... It wasn't_ just_ my hands; it felt like every single individual cell in my body was trying to split apart; some creepy mitosis reaction brought about by nerves.

By that point, I was more worried about hyperventilating or having a heart attack before Rin came home than being rejected by her.

I tried to watch TV, but the bright colors and laughter on the screen felt too fake- too forced- and the sound filled the round like angry buzzing. My hearing had turned super sensitive somehow, in my panic, and every little noise made me jump; every sound from the TV somehow morphed into the sound of Rin throwing open the front door and shouting 'I'm home!'

I had to turn the TV off. I wasn't even watching it. To be more precise, I was watching the clock above the TV; alternating between staring at the second hand that seemed to move slower and slower by the second, and turning my head to look at the door to see if Rin had arrived. The sound from the TV was giving me a headache, too.

In the end, I decided to humor Rin and really act the part of a 'wife'. I didn't cook- that sounded like too much effort- but I did get started on the ironing.

Setting up our ironing board is such a pain. The legs are too stiff, and it takes a considerable amount of man power (power I, with my noodley little arms, don't really possess) to pull it apart. I must have struggled with the damn thing for a good two minutes- which wasn't a bad thing, I supposed, because it took my mind from Rin.

Ironing was...

Well, it wasn't fun. It never is. Contrary to Rin's opinion of me, I do not enjoy cleaning. Neither do I treat cleaning as a 'fun hobby', as she does with volleyball. I merely clean because I hate mess. That's all.

However, ironing was a mindless menial task that gave me something to do. It was easy enough that I didn't have to think about it too much- unlike cooking- but it was distracting enough to take my mind away from my sister.

At least, until I reached into the basket of crumpled up clothes, and pulled out a pair of Rin's shorts.

Let me tell you now- not that you'd really want to know- but Rin's shorts are _really _short. I mean, yeah, they're **shorts **(the clue is in the name)- but, seriously. They shouldn't be **that** short. I'd told Rin time and time again she shouldn't wear such revealing clothes- but she'd only stick her tongue out at me, or roll her eyes, or say 'what are you, my dad? My _boyfriend_? Ha!' And then she'd laugh as though it was a really big joke.

Well, I'm sorry my feelings are so _hilarious _to you, Rin.

I'm sorry I care.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

Y-you don't make it any easier on me, wearing clothes like that, you know.

Maybe, if you wore something other than those non-existent shorts and super-tiny skirts around the house- so short I can see your panties when you lean over- t-then I wouldn't be having those dreams.

Maybe then, I wouldn't feel like pinning you to the cabinet and making you whine my name as I trail burning kisses down your neck-

Sometimes, when I'm feeling bitter and vindictive, I think you do it on purpose.

Is that why Kaito buzzes around after you at school? Because of the clothes you wear?

Is that it?

That makes me feel sick.

_It really does._

_I hate it._

_I hate it I hate it I hate it and I __**hate **__feeling like this and it's __**your**__ fault and you don't even care._

_I hate it._

_All of it._

_Sometimes, I even hate you- even though I love you so much that hurts, too..._

I-I...

I...

...

...

Whoa.

I-I think I sounded a little bitter just then.

I-I'm not... Not really...

A-at least, I don't think I am.

Maybe...

Maybe this was something else I was trying to hide.

I-it wasn't so difficult admitting that I loved Rin.

B-but admitting that, sometimes, I hated her too... A-and sometimes I tried to blame her for my own feelings- when I couldn't cope, and the pain wasn't enough and it wouldn't make me **forget**; because, in the end, I was weak, and I had to lash out at other people, too. I never hurt Neru- but I hurt Rin. I avoided her. A-and I'm not sure if I did that because I loved her and I didn't want to hurt her with the weight of my taboo feelings, or because I hated her and I wanted her to feel upset that I'd no longer talk to her.

I-I...

I don't know.

Maybe it's a bit of both.

I-I hated hating Rin as well- because I know, deep down, that I love her really.

I do.

I love her too much.

H-how can you loathe somebody you love so much? How is that even possible?

Human beings are full of contradictions.

Y-you look surprised.

Did I say something strange?

I'm...

I'm really sorry.

Honestly... I'm sorry...

M-maybe I have some 'anger issues' or something, haha. You never would've thought it if you'd seen me at school, though; sat in my desk, staring out the window, lost inside my own head. Letting life roll past me like ever-moving scenery through a car window. I was quiet at school, honestly. A good student. A straight A student.

I tried to be a good brother, too- if you can believe that.

B-but...

It didn't work out too well, did it?

Was I shouting at you just now?

Did I raise my voice?

Y-you say I didn't?

Not too much?

O-okay.

Thank you.

E-even so, that's pretty... embarrassing... I don't lose my temper often, but...

But...

A-anyway.

It doesn't matter.

Water under the bridge, yes?

T-that's right. I knew you'd understand.

So, there I was, doing the ironing. I paused when I reached Rin's shorts- wondering if she wore clothes like that when she went to see Kaito... And I think I must have spaced out for a few seconds, because I can't remember what happened after that very clearly. It was a good job I didn't have the iron pressed against Rin's shorts when my mind began to wander, or I would've burnt a hole through them- and Rin values her shorts almost as much as she values her over-sized hair ribbon.

I didn't want to invoke Rin's wrath over something so petty. I didn't think it would create the right atmosphere for my 'moving' confession.

I could imagine it playing out in my head something like this:

**LEN:** Hey, Rin, I've burnt a hole through your favorite shorts-  
><strong>RIN:<strong> What?  
><strong>LEN:<strong> Oh, and by the by, I'm totally in love with you.  
><strong>RIN:<strong> What about my shorts?  
><strong>LEN:<strong> In a creepy, incestuous way that's unacceptable in most countries in the world.  
><strong>RIN: <strong>I'll fucking kill you!

Not too romantic, huh?

It wasn't like I was hoping for candle light and soulful blues music- but I wanted my 'confession' (I hate that word) to be more meaningful than that.

As the second hand ticked by quickly (far too quickly) on the clock, my thoughts began to mash together, until I could hardly distinguish what each separate feeling was myself. It was a little bit like fruit salad; all the fruit misshapen and clumped together so the apples became kiwis and nothing could be identified anymore.

I'm sure most fruit salads don't look like that, but Rin's always do. Her fruit salad looks like an alien substance, honestly.

That's about the extent of Rin's cooking 'skills'- or lack of thereof.

Fruit salad and toast.

Not a good combination.

I think…

It's difficult to place names to my feelings, but I think I was jealous of Kaito.

Maybe I was a little angry.

And... above all, I was scared.

My heartbeat kept drumming in my chest- and I swear, I could hear the blood pounding through my head.

I was going to tell Rin how I felt.

I had to.

B-but it all seemed to be going so fast.

Time is strange, isn't it? It's meant to be linear. A minute always last sixty seconds- and a second is always one exact moment of 'time'. The passage of time never stops or slows; it just ticks forward constantly, never changing.

But to me, 'time' was oscillating all over the place- looping up and down like a line on a graph.

When I first came home, it had been moving too slowly.

As half six arrived, and I stood there holding the iron in my hands with Rin's shorts spread out before me, time moved far too fast.

I couldn't keep up.

It felt like I was drowning.

Every second that ticked past brought me closer and closer to Rin.

To my confession.

To rejection.

And those nightmare scenarios I'd dreamt of incessantly for the past three years.

A-and then-

I heard the front door slam.

My heart slammed in my ribcage, too; almost seeming to seize up.

To stop beating altogether.

Rin had come home.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **This chapter was meant to be the last one for this fic, but it started to get pretty lengthy so I decided to split into _three _separate parts.  
>Plus, with more parts, you get more irritating cliffhangers XD;<br>Go me XD;

Three parts means more information given, I guess? It means I don't gloss over details, which I would do if I was trying to cram it all up?  
>Thus, you get more Len angst XDD;<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	9. Love is war

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Chapter Nine

'Love is war'

* * *

><p>I-I can't even begin to describe to you what thoughts were running through my head when Rin came home. I don't think I even understood them myself. I think the best equivalent of describing my emotions would be... I don't know. Randomly mashing a keyboard for a few seconds with my eyes closed.<p>

Words have yet to be invited that can describe the feeling of fear that spiked through my body- and not just fear, but guilt and surprise and that leftover jealousy and happiness to see Rin and a desire to run away, and...

I think I felt relieved, too.

Just a little.

_Relieved._

I hadn't felt like that in a long, long time.

But I knew.

I knew, even though my whole body was trembling and I felt like I was going to fall apart, that I was going to tell her. I had already decided it, regardless of what my head told me- and I couldn't back out of it.

I wasn't going to be a coward.

Rin waltzed into the living room as though she owned the whole world. She was smiling, her blonde hair tumbling about her shoulders in sunshine-colored waves. Her pink and green bead bracelets (it was plastic; the sort of jewelry little kids wore) jingled on her wrist. Her blue eyes were sparkling.

She looked so happy.

I...

I didn't want to ruin that happiness.

I didn't want to be the one who made Rin stop smiling.

I didn't want to tell her.

I really didn't.

But I knew I had no choice.

As Rin walked towards me, still smiling, I began to notice all sorts of things about her I'd never really noticed before. The dimples when she smiled. The way her eyes shone when she was excited. The way her over-sized ribbon (she was much too old to wear that now- but if she took it off, I'd feel like integral part of what made Rin _Rin _had been snatched away) bounced when she walked. She had a light dusting of freckles across her face, and she smelt like oranges.

I think my mind was trying to take a snapshot of Rin whilst she was still happy- so, if she turned against me when I told her my secret, I'd always be able to remember her as she person she'd once been.

I'd always be able to remember her cheerful smile.

I-I...

Argh.

I-I know this going to sound really corny (incredibly cheesy), a-and if Miku said something like this to me I'd pull one of her pigtails and tease her mercilessly, but...

I-I think, as Rin walked up to me, her hair windswept and her smile wide-

I think...

I fell in love with her all over again.

Okay.

That's right.

You can laugh at me now- ha ha ha ha.

It's a funny joke, right?

But it wasn't a joke to me- far from it.

I-I didn't love her because of sex, or hormones, or lust, or any of the animalistic urges that drew me to my twin sister.

It was something else.

Something more than that.

And I knew, at that moment, even if I _wanted_ to keep feeding Rin lies, I couldn't.

I couldn't keep the truth from her.

Not anymore.

I loved her.

I'd always loved her.

And I knew, in the long run, if I kept hiding from Rin, I'd only hurt her more.

And the thought of hurting Rin made me feel sick.

I noticed, as Rin walked towards me, she had a black eye and a split lip. They were fairly hard not to notice- although she'd tried to cover the black eye up by smearing a load of foundation around it. The foundation was a slightly different color to the rest of her skin, though, and it had been streaked around the blackish-blue bruise with fumbling hands.

I think all that foundation actually made the black eye look worse than it probably was. Even so, despite these minor injuries, Rin was still smiling.

"Did you get into a fight?" I asked her, trying to keep my voice neutral- even though my heart was hammering in my chest and I could hardly breathe.

"Huh? You noticed?" Rin asked, looking surprised. Evidently, she thought she'd been _super smoooooth _at her concealing techniques.

Maybe another girl more experienced with make up- a girlie girl, like Miku- would've been able to hide a black eye like that a little better. However, I doubted even Miku would've been able to cover it up fully. Rin wasn't half as adept as using make up as Miku. Rin always said using make up was a 'waste of time'. Thus, the end result of Rin's 'super smooth' concealing technique was... nothing short of disastrous, really. It looked terrible- and the closer Rin got, the worse the ill-hidden black eye looked, until I almost managed to convince myself the skin round her eye was melting off.

"Of course I noticed, I'm not blind. You look dreadful," I said.

Maybe that wasn't the nicest thing to say to a girl you were hopelessly in love with- but Rin was still my twin sister, and we always teased each other like that. It made the atmosphere feel less tense; and it helped me breathe easier.

"What happened?" I asked, as Rin pottered over to the sink to wash off the foundation.

"I don't want to tell you. It's a secret," said Rin. She was giggling.

I guess the black eye couldn't have been too serious, then.

Even so, it looked pretty painful. I couldn't help but feel concerned.

"We don't have secrets between us. We're twins, remember?" I said, trying to be cheerful.

I realize now how incredibly hypocritical that was. I might as well have been a zebra bitching at the American flag for being too stripy.

It was the wrong thing to say.

Rin was facing away from me when I said that.

For this next part to make any sense, you might need a quick description of our house layout. Okay, um… Our house is laid out kind of strange. There isn't a wall to separate the living room and kitchen like most houses; they kind of merge into one another. I was stood in the 'living room' half of our mutated house, whilst Rin was in the 'kitchen' half. She was stood by the sink, wiping her black eye free of blotchy foundation- so I could still see her.

I saw Rin's shoulders tense when I spoke.

Rin stopped- frozen in time, almost.

It took her a few seconds to say anything. Twelve seconds exactly.

I could see the clock, and I counted. My eyes had been transfixed by the steadily-creeping second hand, and I don't know why. It was captivating, somehow.

I think I was being a coward.

It was easier to look at the clock than at Rin.

It was easier to look at the clock than give any serious thought to how I felt.

And yet, despite my hesitation, time still marched onwards- unrelenting. It almost felt as if it were laughing at me.

"You're right. We're not meant to have secrets between us," Rin finally said- turning to face me. Droplets of water were rolling down her face, and she hadn't wiped all of the orange make-up away. It gave me the incredibly disconcerting impression that Rin's face was melting.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Again, that was the wrong thing to say.

I'm very good at saying the wrong things- in case you hadn't noticed.

It's a talent.

Rin's eyes narrowed to little more than slits- a complete contrast to her previous cheerful mood. Still, the ugly orange foundation drip drip dripped down the side of her face.

She was screaming.

Her face was melting.

Skin flaking off underneath my fingers.

And I couldn't save her I couldn't do anything it was my fault I-

...

I think... I'd really upset her.

Rin had tried to be cheerful and happy when she skipped inside- but the moment I opened my stupid mouth and started talking about 'secrets', her happiness melted away.

Rin was so bright once.

Now...

N-not anymore.

Her skin was falling off and she kept shrieking- just like in my nightmares- a-and I didn't know what to do, how to stop her, how to help her...

W-would she really want the comfort of a sick person like me?

Rin kept screaming- something like...

I-I can't remember.

I don't want to remember.

It **hurt.**

Y-you want me to try...?

...

Okay.

I'll try.

"'W-what's wrong?' W-what do you mean, 'what's wrong'? You've been ignoring me for the past three months like I'm some kind of leper- l-like you _**hate **_me- a-and every time I've tried to talk to you you'd look away and pretend I didn't exist!" Rin exclaimed, her voice rising in pitch, getting a little hysterical.

She'd been trying to hide her worry, too- but it hadn't worked.

Instead, it had exploded.

This was the first real 'conversation' Rin and I had had in three months- and it still wasn't a proper 'conversation' at all.

It was Rin shouting.

Each word a shard of glass to my heart, and a knock to my pride (which, let's face it, had been swimming around at gutter-level to begin with. I didn't have all that much 'pride' for Rin to knock down in the first place).

"I-I thought we were meant to be twins. I-I thought that... that we were meant to share secrets. N-no secrets between twins, right?" Rin sniffed, wiping some of that sticky foundation away with the sleeve of her baggy cardigan (it was a nice cardigan- lime green; and it complimented those childish, plastic strings of beads round her neck and wrists quite well).

I winced.

No secrets.

Of course not.

No secrets between twins.

It was something we'd promised (pinky promised, actually) when we were about six.

_'No secrets between twins. If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles_.'

It's quite a dark incantation for people as young as six, isn't it? Don't you think it's pretty twisted?

But when we made that promise all those years ago- when we had chubby cheeks and wide smiles and the world was all one big playground- the biggest 'secrets' we'd ever had was who ate the last cookie from the cookie jar and who taped over _the Little Mermaid _with episodes of _Dragon Ball Z._

Those weren't important secrets.

But this...

T-this was the biggest secret I'd ever kept from Rin- and it was eating me up inside. Tearing me apart.

If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles.

Well, I'd never lied- not really. I hadn't told Rin any untruths at all. At least, I don't think I had. Instead, I'd dodged the subject of my own feelings; pushing past Rin when she tried to bring it up (I never responded to her questions with 'I'm okay' like I did with Miku), and locking myself in my bedroom, or the bathroom, when Rin tried to pursue the matter.

I'd never lied.

But now... Rin was asking me directly.

"W-why did we drift apart? Why are you ignoring me? Why are you being so cruel?"

She said that in her own words; her hair ribbon seeming to droop, that grotesque foundation still running off her face like melted candle wax.

Rin.

My sister.

My sister I'd never, ever want to hurt, or reduce to tears, or lie to- because I loved her.

And I didn't really want to swallow a thousand needles, either.

Silence filled the air, heavy with untold secrets and other such hackneyed clichés that would better belong in a TV drama than real life.

Rin's hands were on her hips and she was glaring at me. She was tapping one foot against the floor.

Waiting for an answer.

She was waiting to see if I'd feed her a lie or tell her the truth. The truth she so desperately wanted because she was worried about me.

Because she _loved_ me.

Rin had been waiting for that 'truth' for three years.

And now it was finally time she knew.

Rin was my sister.

She wouldn't turn me away.

I-I was sure she wouldn't.

I'd make her understand.

"O-okay. I'll tell you..." I finally managed to say, my voice fragmenting. I was speaking softly- and yet it still seemed far too loud, given the grave-like silence of our house.

It was disconcerting.

Eerie.

Then, I tried to smile- but my smile split in two, and I couldn't maintain it for too long. It hurt. It was physically painful to smile.

It felt like a lie.

"But first you're going to tell me how you got that black eye- and we're going to sit down and discuss this over hot chocolate," I said.

Rin seemed to perk up at this. It was obvious she was trying to hold onto her anger- but the prospect of hot chocolate was simply too much for her. I don't think she wanted to be angry with me, not really; it was hurting _her_ just as much as it was hurting me. She wanted to revert to the cheery, happy, twin Rin-and-Len times just as much as I did; and, as such, she couldn't maintain her death glare.

A small smile quirked the corners of her lips instead.

"You promise?" she asked.

"I promise," I said, ruffling her hair- knocking her over-sized ribbon askew.

Rin scowled at me- said something like 'look, don't touch'- and batted my fingers away; but I knew she was only joking.

She smiled.

* * *

><p>Rin and I sat on the old, black, beaten down couches with our mugs of hot chocolate burning our fingers. Rin was sat cross-legged, a cushion in her lap. She was curled up around that cushion like a child- or a cat trying to find a warm spot to sleep.<p>

It was... nice.

It felt like we were children again.

On wintry nights, when the heating in the house had broken (a lot of things in our house are defective), Rin and I would huddle up on the couch under piles of blankets, both sipping hot chocolate and telling stories.

...

...I-I...

I'm sorry.

I just got hit by a sudden wave of nostalgia.

Did my eyes look out of focus just then?

Ahaha, i-ignore me. I'm being silly.

Geez. I'd make a pretty crappy story teller, wouldn't I? I keep going off the point.

Got to stay focused.

"How did you get that bruise?" I asked Rin, after I'd taken a sip of my hot chocolate.

"Iroha gave it to me," said Rin, shrugging.

I must admit, I was a little surprised Rin was 'friends' with Iroha at all. I hardly knew the girl- but she _was_ in my class, and she was one of the people who routinely insulted Neru. There were other people that bullied Neru, yes, but Iroha stuck in my mind; maybe because she was so short, and was quite pretty.

...I know that sounds shallow, but I can't help it.

I'm a guy.

Not that gender really matters.

I'm a human being.

I like looking at pretty things.

Most people do.

When I talk about it like this it kind of makes me feel like a magpie, attracted to shiny objects. Rest assured, I'm not so obsessed with pretty things I'll pick them up and carry them back to my 'lair'. I don't even _have _a 'lair'.

Rin said she'd known Iroha for a while. They were on the same volleyball team, and had bonded over their love for... Hello Kitty sneakers or something. I didn't even realize they _sold_ such things- much less that there was a market for them- but, apparently, there were.

Go figure.

Man, Sanrio's a scary business, isn't it?

Hello Kitty _brainwashes_ people.

Rin and I had a short discussion about Iroha. Rin told me Iroha wasn't 'that bad'- even though she'd (supposedly) given Rin a black eye. Rin wouldn't tell me why Iroha had given her the black eye, which led me to believe Rin had been teasing her. Rin does that a lot- and some people aren't that good at taking jokes...

Still- Iroha must have had quite a mean punch for somebody so small. And why hadn't Rin tried to defend herself?

I guess it would forever be a mystery. Rin wasn't in the mood to discuss it- she said it wasn't her secret to tell, but Iroha's.

That was intriguing- but I didn't push it.

I didn't have a right to ask about Rin's secrets, considering I was keeping so many from her. That sounds fair, right?

The atmosphere between us was fairly light, what with the hot chocolate and all.

Rin...

Rin started to get her old smile back.

A smile like personified sunflowers and-

Y-you know what, I'm going to shut up about the 'Wonders of Kagamine Rin'. I'm not a poet or anything. I'm no Wordsworth or Shakespeare. I've never 'wandered lonely as a cloud', and I don't have any real inclination to talk about daffodils, either.

I'm no poet.

I'm just some kid who fell in love.

I-I wonder if it's common for people in love to talk about their 'significant other's like this...?

Is it just me?

Am I weird?

It wouldn't surprise me.

I'll save this sugary mush, though. One, because it's embarrassing, and two, because I know if Rin could hear me, she'd laugh.

The relaxed mood we'd created suddenly took a turn for the bitter, however, when Rin fixed me with 'A Look'.

You know what I mean, right? I'm sure you have friends with 'A Look' like that, too. 'The Look' that states, quite clearly, 'you better answer my question or I'm going to shove your face in a blender.'

Yeah, _that_ kind of 'Look'.

"Iroha told me about all the horrible things that had happened in your class," said Rin.

I considered playing dumb- but I didn't want to lie. Not anymore.

"I mean, I already knew about Tei... Everybody did. B-but I didn't realize she'd been bullied so badly..." said Rin.

Well, that wasn't a surprise. The school had called an important assembly in the hall a few days after Tei's death, announcing it to all the students. They'd played down the 'bullying' angle, though. I'm not sure how many of the teachers at our school actually knew she was being bullied at all. The headmaster gave a speech about how, if we ever felt depressed, we could talk to the school nurse or any other specialists, and we shouldn't feel as if we were alone because 'the school cares about each and every one of you', or some such thing. I can't remember.

But they didn't mention the bullying.

Maybe it was because they didn't know.

Or maybe they were trying to cover it up.

I can't imagine a headline like 'school girl murders herself over bullying incident the school did nothing about' in the local paper would do our school much good, you know?

Then again…

I don't know. Not really. If you were asking me, I'd say I was more inclined to believe the school was trying to co- but, you know what, you're not asking me. I'm telling you the answer to a question you never asked.

The question 'is your school corrupt, Kagamine Len?' never cropped up, so I'm going to skim across it.

Besides, I'm incredibly cynical anyway. My opinion's bound to be biased.

"I-iroha told me all about what happened to Tei. I-I'd never even known... Iroha said... Most of the people in your class joined in. Lily and G-gumi... I-I can't _believe_ somebody like Gumi would bully somebody like that. I-I've only spoken to her a few times, but she's so sweet," Rin continued.

Rin had long since finished her hot chocolate. The empty mug lay on the floor, dark brown dregs clogged up at the bottom. Rin was squeezing her captive cushion so tightly I wondered if it'd burst.

"I-iroha told me everything. S-she said... She said s-she'd bullied Tei, too- b-but she hadn't even realized it was bullying at the time. At first it had just been a bit of fun. A few jokes. B-but it went too far... A-and she felt... really guilty... B-because she knew she had to stop it, and she couldn't. It had gone too far. A-and she was afraid Neru would turn against her… Iroha said she'd been thinking about Tei a lot. A-and Iroha said... She thought most people in your class had been, too. B-because nobody had been quite the same since... Since it happened," said Rin, her voice fragmenting.

My mug of hot chocolate scalded my fingers- but the rest of my body felt cold.

Rin was offering me a way out of my dilemma.

I could nod along with Rin and tell her _that_ was why I'd been so despondent lately.

It was all because of Tei.

I could pin my feelings on Tei's death, and Rin would never have to know how I felt about her.

But I couldn't lie.

Not anymore.

Where would I be if I lied?

I knew where.

I'd be back in the bathtub, digging the blade into skin- or curled up between my blankets, thoughts of Rin running through my mind in a guilty rush of pain and pleasure.

I had to move forward.

"Tei's death did... I-it still is... I-it... _did_ affect me," I said. I probably sounded about as eloquent as… I don't know- a very uneloquent (is that even a word?) thing, but it didn't matter.

I was trying to tell the truth- and I'd never realized before just how difficult that was.

But Tei's death did affect me.

Tei haunted me almost as much as Rin did; her eyes dead and empty, her skull cracked open, her body filled with writing, teeming maggots. But she was a dead girl, and I couldn't help her. Maybe I could have once- but not anymore.

It didn't do to dwell on the past.

Rin rested a hand on my shoulder- the cushion falling from her lap and onto the floor. In turn, the cushion knocked over Rin's empty mug of hot chocolate- and it was a good thing she'd drunk it already, or the carpet would've been stained dark brown.

I wasn't really in the right frame of mind to care about the carpet, though.

Rin's eyes looked so blue...

So warm.

So _trusting._

(Don't trust me please don't trust me I'll only hurt you look you're screaming-)

"Don't worry, Len. I don't know exactly what happened- but it wasn't your fault. T-tei... Tei died... B-but it wasn't Iroha's fault, or yours, or- ha... It wasn't even Neru's. T-the bullying might have contributed to it, but she must've have had other problems people didn't know about! It wasn't your fault," Rin said, her eyes steely. Her grip was steely, too.

She was forcing me to agree.

Forcing me to throw my guilt away.

Rin... was wrong.

I think.

I couldn't simply throw up my hands and say 'well, Tei probably had other problems, so it doesn't concern me'. I knew, deep down, that it **did **concern me. Tei's problems hadn't belonged to her alone; and they'd been exacerbated by Neru, by Gumi, by Iroha- who, apparently, had thought of the whole thing as a joke until it went too far.

And they'd been exacerbated by me, too.

Human beings will, invariably, hurt each other- but they can't live alone.

Every action you do will affect somebody else- no matter how small.

No problem belongs to 'one person'.

It belongs to everybody who has ever come in contact with that person and left their mark on them, in one way or another.

If you can see somebody else suffering- if you can see them trying to wave their hand above the rising water that threatens to pull them under- then it's your problem, too. If you saw somebody drowning in a lake, would you say 'it doesn't concern me' and walk on?

Human beings might be selfish...

But I think most of them _would _stop.

Most of them would feel a little responsible.

And most of them would try to help.

Tei's problem was like that. Tei hadn't been drowning, not physically; but, figuratively, she was just like a poor swimmer with pond weed entangling her feet.

Tei had been drowning.

I'd seen her drowning.

And I hadn't offered her my hand.

Neither had Gumi.

Neither had Iroha.

It wasn't just 'Tei's problem'- it belonged to _**all **_of us.

I _was_ guilty.

But...

I couldn't bury myself under my guilt forever.

Hating myself wouldn't bring Tei back.

And so, even though Rin was, essentially, wrong- I knew, deep down, she was telling the truth.

It didn't matter how or why Tei had died.

All that mattered was that she _had_ died- and it was sad- and maybe somebody could have helped, but nobody did.

And life went on.

It was cruel to think of it like that- but Rin was right just as much as she was completely wrong.

You couldn't keep dwelling in the past- or it would destroy you.

The 'what if's don't matter.

You can't go back and change them.

So it's not worth worrying about.

I think I went quiet as I processed that- and Rin gave me a worried look, her eyes widening.

"Len... Was that why you were being so distant? You felt guilty about Tei?" Rin asked.

Rin was so caring.

So trusting.

So completely oblivious to my real feelings.

Tei had been... the catalyst, maybe.

It was because of Tei that I'd first locked myself in the bathroom and sat, trembling, underneath the shower; the spray of water hitting the bottom of the bathtub that masked my broken sobs and cries of pain.

But Tei...

I-I feel horrible for saying this, a-as though I'm cheapening her death, or being heartless, but...

But Tei wasn't the real problem.

It was Rin.

And it always had been.

It because I loved Rin- because I was sick, twisted- that I hadn't helped Tei in the first place. I'd known, deep down, if anybody discovered my secret, I could easily become a victim in Tei's place.

That- coupled with cowardice- was why I'd done nothing.

The problem had always been Rin.

Or, to be more precise- the problem had always been my feelings for Rin.

_Always._

_And forever._

If I lie, may I swallow a thousand needles.

I looked at Rin.

Rin looked at me.

"N-no... T-that's not all," I said, my voice breaking- fingers trembling- unsure of how to put my confession into words.

...Maybe I didn't need to use words.

They'd only get in the way.

And I'd never been very good at talking anyway.

"That's not all? You mean there's another twist to this sordid tale?" Rin asked lightly- trying to inject some humor into the heavy atmosphere, I suppose. However, her unfortunate choice of vocabulary ('sordid') made me flinch.

It felt as though Rin were condemning me.

Calling me 'filthy'.

My own sister.

But that was just my paranoia.

Baseless paranoia.

I sat there for a while, watching the hateful second hand tick tick tick by on the clock above the TV. Listening to the sound of my own heart beat.

Trying to remember how to breathe.

"R-rin... D-don't... Don't hate me..." I finally managed to choke out, my voice trembling. It was a wonder Rin managed to hear me at all; my throat felt dry despite the hot chocolate and I could hardly understand _myself_.

"I could never hate you," said Rin, smiling. "Unless you've wiped my save on Final Fantasy thirteen. Then I _could_ conceivably hate you. Very, very much so, too."

I laughed at that, despite the gravity of the situation. I couldn't help myself.

There's something about Rin that always makes me smile.

Every time I see her, my day just... brightens.

"I haven't wiped your save on Final Fantasy. I'm not suicidal- and I don't want to hear you bitching and moaning about how you can't defeat Barthandelus again," I retorted.

"H-hey! I **did **manage to defeat him in the end! I kicked his ass!" Rin said.

"Yeah. After you looked at an online walkthrough," I shot back.

We argued for a few minutes after that- trading insults as though we were children in the sand box again. It was... nostalgic. Just like the hot chocolate, and the note Rin had left me on the fridge.

It made me think of the old times.

Happier times.

And I knew, as Rin smiled at me...

I-I can't really put it into words- but her smile was comforting.

I knew, all at once, she wouldn't hate me.

Not even if I loved her.

Because... she was a kind person.

She was still my sister.

She'd always stand by me.

And I'd been stupid to doubt her.

Stupid…

I was so stupid.

"R-rin... I-I have something to tell you. A secret I've kept from you for... for a long time," I finally managed to say.

Rin didn't reply with a joke this time- nor did she try and start an argument. Instead, she said "what is it...?" in a voice so serious it didn't sound as if it belonged to her.

Maybe she'd matured as a person.

Or maybe she'd always been that mature, and I'd never realized.

Rin's hair was messy and her bow was tilted at a strange angle. Her face was strangely flushed, she still had a split lip, and the dark bruising around her eye was rather unattractive. She was wearing that ratty old green cardigan with ketchup stains on the sleeves, her socks were rucked up about her ankles and the plastic jewelry round her wrists clinked together.

She was a disaster.

A lump of clashing colors and birds' nest hair and awkward angles with a teasing smirk.

And she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

When the sun streamed in through the open window, her hair turned gold.

Just like a princess from a fairy tale.

"R-Rin..." I stuttered- and I probably sounded stupid, but Rin didn't say anything.

She didn't tease me.

I wasn't sure how I could verbally communicate my feelings- but I knew, as I looked into Rin's eyes, what I had to do.

With shaking fingers, I cupped her chin gently- oh so gently. S-she let out a small gasp, but she didn't pull away, or try to hit me. She didn't... say anything.

I looked into her eyes and spoke her name again- "Rin."

And then...

"I love you."

A-and I leant forwards-

and pressed my lips against her's.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **guess what guys?  
>I've already finished writing this whole fic.<br>I just need to proof-read it all now XD

As always, your support means a lot to me, and I'm glad so many of you enjoy this fic ^_^;

**~renahhchen xoxoxo**


	10. Words of love

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Chapter Ten

'Words of love'

* * *

><p>So...<p>

It's come to this.

The end of my story.

Gah, I'm sorry for all the unnecessary melodrama. Lines like that belong to scary campfire stories or stupid Final Fantasy games.

Don't take that last comment to heart. I love those games, really- even if the storylines make me roll my eyes sometimes. You expect me to get overly-emotional about blocky bastardized 3D characters minus eyes and noses? Good luck with that.

…The graphics in those games have improved a lot, though. It's different now.

That's a little depressing.

Time marches on, I guess.

Time I'll never get back.

Rin and I used to play those games together when we were younger. We'd sit down on that beaten-up couch (that couch has always been old and falling apart ever since I can remember) and strain our eyes at our teensy-tiny TV screen whilst our barely-working games console whirred and made dying noises in the background.

…Okay, okay, I'll admit it.

I cried when Aeris died.

Even though she was a bundle of strangely-animated polygons with arms like sausages.

Rin laughed at me- but she got strangely misty-eyed, too.

…Geez.

I'm using far too many 'epic work of fiction' lines, aren't I?

'This is the end of my story'- fssh.

Excuse me whilst I roll my eyes at my own pretentiousness.

I'm no Auron.

My life isn't Final Fantasy.

I'll get started on the 'it was a dark and stormy night' lines next- and then I'll completely lose all my credibility, won't I?

Not that I had too much to begin with.

It's lucky I don't take myself too seriously (I can't, having a sister like Rin who constantly teases me).

You want to know how it ended, I suppose.

You want to know what Rin did after I kissed her.

Of course you do- I'm not going to berate you for being curious! That's perfectly okay, fine, good- base human nature, human instinct, and it's only natural. Why else do you think there are so many cautionary messages in fairytales? To stop curious children wandering into the woods- just like in Little Red Riding Hood- because all people, from the day they're born to the day they die, are insufferably, incurably curious.

It's only natural you'd be curious about the fate of a sick boy who broke social conventions- did something deemed 'abnormal' by the nameless, faceless masses- and fell in love with his twin sister.

I don't fault you for wondering.

If our positions were reversed I'm sure I'd be questioning you, too.

Is talking to me like watching an animal in a zoo?

Is it like looking at a dual-headed monstrosity behind bars?

Is it making you feel better about yourself?

Is it?

'Thank goodness my life isn't that bad'. Is that what you're thinking?

Is it?

It is, right?

Right?

…

…

Ah...

I'm...

I'm sorry to sound so judgmental. I can't help it. That's also… force of habit. Just like being curious. I've always been kind of paranoid, anyway. I've always been afraid of other people 'judging' me; but I judge them, too- automatically assuming they're giving me labels in their heads when their eyes meet mine.

Sick.

Twisted.

Abnormal.

You'd have a bigger right than anyone to call me that- because you know what I am.

You...

You know _me._

Kagamine Len.

You know everything about me.

I can't hide from you.

I can't pretend.

Maybe you're _not _judging me and maybe I've made an incorrect assumption. Maybe I'm just being paranoid (again)- and I'm the one, in fact, judging you; putting words into your mouth you would never actually say, would never even _think._

I don't know.

You know me, but I don't know you at all that well at all.

I have no information to judge you with.

That… doesn't stop me from doing it, though.

And that doesn't stop me from being paranoid.

Paranoia doesn't make much sense. I know, logically, the whole world isn't out to get me... Why would the whole world care about little old me anyway? It's arrogant, at best, to assume the whole world really places that much significance on individuals with their individual problems.

I'm sure most people, in reality, don't care.

There must be other people in the world suffering just like me- with afflictions of the mind rather than the body- but…

But I don't know who they are.

I wouldn't be able to tell them from anybody else if they walked past me in the street.

If you can't visibly see something 'wrong' with another person, your eyes don't linger on them too long. You can't help judging people based on their clothes and outward appearance- but they flicker in and out of your life for a few seconds, and then they disappear, and you forget about them altogether.

To the rest of the world, I might as well be an ant, or a stain on the pavement. Something noticed once, and then deemed 'unimportant'.

In the grand scheme of things, my suffering doesn't matter.

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares apart from those closest to me.

I have no reason to be paranoid.

I have no reason to fear the whole world.

The whole world doesn't know who I am.

But...

I-I...

Well.

I still feel paranoid all the same.

I-I can't really describe it.

…

You want to know about Rin, right?

You still want to hear about her. I knew you would.

I-I'm sorry… I've been rambling for a while about… nonsense, really.

Nothing.

This about Rin.

Rin Rin Rin.

Ha.

My whole life has been about Rin.

A-and…

And…

I-if you were hoping Rin would hate me after my confession, or push me away, or stare at me in horror, then...

Then I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you.

When I kissed Rin the final domino fell down. Everything was left in ruins around me- and I couldn't hide anymore. The chain reaction that had started with Miku- or the razorblade- or Tei- or maybe even the day I was born- had finally finished.

_**I**_ had finished it.

Rin knew my secret.

I couldn't take that kiss back.

I couldn't pick up the dominoes, dust them off, and stand them back up again.

It was over.

Game over, right? But, unlike in video games, you can't redo things in the real world- you can't go back in time and erase your past actions if they come back to haunt you.

I knew that after what I'd done to Tei.

You have to live with your past and accept the consequences of it.

Let the chips fall where they lie.

Actions speak louder than words- and I've always been _useless _at verbal communication. You've probably noticed this already. As I've been talking you I keep breaking off, looking at my hands, losing my train of thought, getting stuck for words... Ahaha.

I'm probably doing it now.

You're waiting.

You want to know what Rin did.

I still haven't told you- not really.

I've been dodging the subject.

So cowardly…

Well...

I-I feel like I've been building up to this ending for some time- l-like I'm telling you a fairy story or something. I've been... distancing myself from this, I suppose; pretending I'm talking about another Kagamine Len, or another person altogether, because it's easier to deal with it all that way.

But I can't distance myself anymore.

I can't pretend I'm not talking about me.

This… isn't just about Rin anymore, I guess.

This is about me, too.

My feelings mean something- it's not just about Rin.

I've been building up to this moment...

A-and I'm sorry if it sounds anti-climatic... but life often is.

Rin didn't shout at me.

She didn't hit me.

She didn't _hate _me.

When I drew away her eyes were wide, and she was shaking slightly. Her fingers were knotting together, tugging at the sleeves of her ratty green cardigan. Her fingernails were painted with chipped yellow polish that contrasted with her green cardigan and those pink beads. Rin had a nervous habit of biting things; pens, her lower lip, her fingernails- and, as such, her nails were so short there was little point in them being painted. But she did it anyway. A small blush was spread across Rin's cheeks- painting across her freckles more effectively than make up ever could've done.

Rin...

M-my sister...

She was so pretty.

There was no hatred in her large blue eyes.

Only confusion.

"L-len... H-how long have you... u-um... 'liked' me?" Rin asked- her voice unusually soft and shy.

"All my life," I answered.

A small smile spread across Rin's lips. It looked as though she was trying to stop its progression- kill it before it spread, like a disease, before the smile became an epidemic- but she couldn't. Her smile cut through her previous shocked expression without Rin's permission, lighting her face up like a sunbeam. Her eyes sparkled like ocean waves and various other overly cliché metaphors you could find every sentence or so in a romance novel- and she looked so beautiful it nearly took my breath away.

Not that I was hyperventilating or anything.

That would have been way uncool.

My heartbeat did seem to stagger in my chest though.

Rin reached forwards- and, still smiling that smile she was trying to conceal (and doing a very poor job of it, too; just like her black eye)- Rin reached forwards and tugged at a spike of my carefully-styled her.

"Duhh. I know you've loved me all my life, idiot. I'm amazing!~" said Rin, smirking.

"Of course. Everybody loves you," I said.

"Exactly!~" said Rin.

"All hail her highness Kagamine Rin?" I asked.

"That's _Lady _Kagamine Rin to you. Or maybe Master Rin. Kagamine Rin, Princess of the Universe?" suggested Rin.

"Kagamine Rin is the most selfish, arrogant person in the universe, certainly," I shot back.

"Kyah! You're so mean!" Rin squealed.

I couldn't help but laugh at this, even though my heart was in my mouth and I could hardly breathe. I began to worry I was hallucinating- that Rin hadn't really accepted me; that my mind was showing me a dream to... soothe the pain of being rejected, I suppose.

Rin and I were talking to each other as though nothing had changed.

It was almost as if she still liked me.

It must have been a dream- a fantasy.

A desperate imagining.

My feelings were sick- ridden with worms like a rotten carcass- and they weren't meant to be accepted. No sane person would've accepted the 'love' of their sibling, would they?

Rin might have been a kind person, but surely she wasn't that accepting?

Surely not?

Was I asleep?

Was it a dream?

But when Rin poked me in the cheek with her finger it hurt.

I could feel it.

T-that meant it really happened… doesn't it?

Pain makes things real.

It wasn't some merciful hallucination, or a memory of happier times gone by.

It was the truth.

It was real.

Rin...

Rin really didn't hate me.

I laughed from relief more from humor, I think- and Rin joined in, until we were both a giggling pile of arms and legs and cushions.

"L-len... That wasn't a joke, was it? D-do you really... 'love' me?" Rin asked, her voice softer- strangely serious- as she peered over the top of a cushion she had held in her hands.

A lump formed in my throat and I couldn't talk- I could hardly breathe.

I couldn't even think.

Instead, I nodded.

"For how long...?" Rin asked.

"A-about three years," I managed to answer. My voice sounded labored, thick as treacle. My words came from my mouth inelegantly like syrup; and they stuck in my throat. I winced at how idiotic I sounded.

Smooth, Len.

Real _smooth._

I'd thought about confessing to Rin for so long- but, when it finally came down to it, the words weren't there. I'd lost the ability of human speech completely, and I didn't know what to say. I must have looked like such an idiot.

Or maybe I looked like a shy boy with a crush.

A 'normal' crush- but 'normal' doesn't mean much, does it?

It's just a word.

A single word.

And human beings are so complex words like that don't really do the complex feelings in their heads and hearts justice.

Maybe…

Maybe 'sick' was an unfitting adjective too, then.

Maybe I wasn't 'sick' at all.

Instead, I was just…

Just _**me.**_

Kagamine Len.

And that was all there was too it.

Being in love with Rin didn't change me. It was merely another part of me that made up 'Kagamine Len'- those feelings didn't detract from 'me', or make me any less 'me', at all. Instead, those feelings added to it. To 'me'.

All the thoughts and feelings I'd ever felt didn't take anything away from the mess of personality traits and talents and hobbies that made up 'Kagamine Len'; instead, it added to it.

Some of my thoughts and feelings were contradictory.

But humans are like that, aren't they?

And Rin wasn't recoiling away in disgust, and she wasn't glaring at me with hate-filled eyes.

She wasn't crying.

Instead Rin was sat by my side- as she always had been in the past- with a small smile on her face.

M-maybe I had been stupid for being so worried about Rin's reaction. Social customs and pre-conceived notions of 'right' and 'wrong' don't mean that much.

They mean nothing; and they carry less meaning than the air that we breathe.

Whether I was 'normal' or not had never factored into it when it came to Rin. She loved me because I was her brother- and she'd take the good parts with the bad, because I was a human being and all humans are flawed.

But just because you have a few flaws, it doesn't mean you're defective.

It doesn't mean nobody will love you.

If that was the case, humans would always be alone.

A-and humans weren't built to be alone. We're social creatures at heart.

"Aren't you... disgusted? I mean, it's not normal," I said softly- hardly daring to look at Rin; but I couldn't tear my eyes away.

I like looking at pretty things.

I'm only human.

"I know... I know it's not normal... And maybe I should be 'disgusted'. B-but I'm not."

"R-rin..."

"I mean, I'm not thrilled about it either! I-it's hard to explain- b-but I'm not jumping for joy because my dorky five-minutes-younger-than-me socially inept little bro has a crush on me," said Rin, her face flushing scarlet, as she tried to explain herself- her words fragmenting. Some of her words were harsh, but they didn't cut into me.

They didn't hurt.

Rin was just being Rin- her usual tactless, artless, graceless self. She always talked about me like that, but I knew she didn't mean it; not really. The more she insulted me, the more she cared.

And she_ did_ care.

I could see all that love welling up in her eyes; radiating across her imperfect but still strangely beautiful face.

"'Dorky'? After I just poured my heart out to you? Gee, thanks," I said, feigning hurt- and Rin smiled, giving my piece of flyaway, sticking-up hair another tug.

"Okay, okay, don't try and make me feel guilty," said Rin.

"You should feel guilty. You're tearing me apart over here," I said.

Rin laughed at this, and tug-tug-tugged at my poor, abused piece of hair again- saying something about how I was a 'dork.'; "a loveable dork, but still a dork."

"I-I'm not... I'm not in love with you. I-I love you, Len-Len, but not... Not like that. Never like that," said Rin.

I nodded. The words hurt- but they were better than the rage I had expected.

And a mature rejection was far, far better than disgust.

It was better than fear.

It was better than what I had expected.

Maybe it was better than I deserved.

Rin always had been too kind.

"B-but I'm not going to push you away. I won't. I could never do that!" said Rin, her voice determined. "You're still my brother. A-and I'm glad you told me what was wrong. I-I was worried something serious was eating at you, like you'd contracted some weird disease! T-that would be terrible! What if I caught it? I wouldn't wanna quarantine my little bro! And, even though I don't feel the same... I-I'll... I'll always love you."

My eyes widened. I was the one blushing now- just like a school girl in an ero game (n-not that I've played many of those... N-no, really! O-okay, maybe once or twice, but that's beside the point).

"Y-you really mean it?" I ask.

"Of course I do, idiot. I don't say things I don't mean," Rin said, smirking- flicking me in the forehead.

"T-that's cruel... W-way to kick a guy down when he's been rejected," I said.

"I'm sorry, but you got so gross I couldn't help it! You're dripping sentimentalities all over the place! I can't deal with things like that!" said Rin.

"Deal with this then!" I said- and, childishly, I pulled the cushion out of Rin's hands, and smushed it against her face.

Rin's hair ribbon was knocked askew, and bits of blonde hair stuck up at strange angles from my carefully-calculated, cold-blooded attack.

In a few seconds we both started throwing cushions at each other, shrieking like grade school children- both of us smiling.

Both laughing.

Because...

I-in the end, 'normal' doesn't matter.

'Right' and 'wrong' are just concepts; they don't mean anything.

We can't help how we feel...

A-and if people really care about each other... I guess how you feel doesn't matter all that much.

Because they'll accept you no matter how twisted you are.

And no matter how 'sick' you may be.

H-huh?

Oh, I'm sorry. I sound pretty sappy, don't I. T-that's what Rin said as well...

Ahaha.

I hate sounding this corny.

B-but, you know what...

I'm not an optimist or a pessimist.

I'm a realist.

And, despite that, I think it's not too deluded to believe you can, every once in a while, have a happy ending.

No matter who you are.

There are lots of humans in the universe.

And I'm sure even the loneliest of people can find others who'll accept them and love them no matter who they are.

It's simple mathematics.

There are so many people in the world- so there's really no excuse for anybody being alone.

And, if you are alone… there's somebody out there who can comfort you.

Who can accept you.

It's a logistical probability grounded in common sense; and I'd say, given the billions of people that populate our planet, it's a 100% certainty.

That, too, is just a part of life.

And forgiveness...

T-that's also a part of human nature, too.

People will hurt you, and you'll hurt them.

But you'll always forgive them in the end.

Because nobody wants to be alone.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Banter between Rin and Len is fun. Rin should've had more scenes in this fic, tbh. She's too awesome.  
>Well.<br>I'm not going to say anything…

until the epilogue at least XP

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	11. Epilogue: To a sick boy

**For a Sick Boy****  
><strong>Epilogue

'To a Sick Boy'

* * *

><p>"Hey, Hiyama."<p>

Hiyama Kiyoteru looked up from his notepad in surprise. The notebook before him was filled with smudged blue biro notes- but the ink changed color to black half-way through when his blue pen had failed him. That didn't particularly matter, though. Hiyama Kiyoteru was a very well-organized person, and he always kept a few spare pens or three in the breast pocket of his sophisticated suit.

Everything about Hiyama Kiyoteru screamed 'anal retentive', from the neat just-so parting of his sleek black hair to his pristine clothes. Even his notes were faultless, despite the sudden color change half-way through. His notes were written in his unarguably neat hand; words like 'manic depression' and 'self mutilation' and 'attempted murder' cropping up again and again across the pages.

Kiyoteru had been jotting down (he didn't 'scribble') his notes uninterrupted in a corner of a small café. A cup of untouched, stone cold tea rested by his open note pad; a testament to just how long he'd been sat there, writing. It was growing rather dark outside, even though it was only three in the afternoon- although that was only to be expected, given February was fast approaching.

Hiyama Kiyoteru liked February. A lot of people didn't; they claimed it was a 'boring' season, just past Christmas but not quite spring. Kiyoteru, however, found it peaceful.

The woman who had called Kiyoteru's name- and, subsequently, snapped him out of his work-induced reverie- was a rather attractive woman with long white hair. She wore a dark coat over a fluffy white jumper; a jumper Kiyoteru had bought her for Christmas.

Her name was Miriam Stockley.

"You don't need to call me 'Hiyama'," said Kiyoteru, watching as Miriam shrugged her coat off her shoulders and- quite uninvited- sat down in the seat facing him. "We've known each other long enough already..."

"I guess- but this is strictly a business meeting, Hiyama," said Miriam, smiling mischievously. "We don't want to mix leisure and business, do we?"

Kiyoteru flushed. "N-no... I suppose not..."

"Good boy."

Kiyoteru looked down at his cup of untouched coffee, his fingertips trembling slightly.

Miriam had a... strange effect on him. She made him feel as though he were a child- almost as young as his Yuki.

There was something incredibly disarming about Miss Miriam Stockley.

Miriam called a waitress over- a pretty red-haired girl with a cheery-looking face- and ordered a cup of... something-or-other. Kiyoteru didn't know what Miriam liked to drink; she was so specific, and half of what came from her mouth when she asked for her order didn't even sound like Japanese.

Well, that was a given, considering she was British.

Kiyoteru didn't like drinking anything other than black coffee or Earl Grey tea. Anything else seemed so... _excessive._

Miriam was different, though.

Miriam and Kiyoteru talked idly for a few minutes about Yuki and how she was doing in school. Miriam had stated it was a 'business' meeting- but Yuki was, in Miriam's words, 'simply too adorable not to bring up'.

Finally Miriam's mess of... whatever in a cup arrived. Miriam blew over the top of the honey-colored liquid before drinking; and, when she'd drained most of it, she placed the cup aside and folded her arms.

"Now. About our most recent case. Have you had any progress with L?"

Miriam was referring, of course, to Kagamine Len. In public the pair couldn't talk in great detail about their 'cases'; they were, after all, private. Kagamine Len had confided in Hiyama Kiyoteru, the renowned child psychologist, and it would have been unprofessional for Kiyoteru to broadcast the inner workings of Len's mind to the world. He could, however, tell Miriam. Miriam was a member of the NPA- the Japanese police service; and, given the nature of the Kagamine case, the police were working closely with Kiyoteru to help bring the Kagamine case to a satisfactory closure.

Kiyoteru sighed and took off his glasses, adjusting them slightly. Kiyoteru didn't need to adjust his glasses at all; there was nothing wrong with them. That was a habit he'd formed; something to keep his hands busy whilst he tried to arrange his thoughts.

And Hiyama Kiyoteru had been thinking about Kagamine Len a lot. His half-filled notebook showed that only too clearly.

"Oh..." Miriam's face fell, and she frowned. "No luck, huh?"

"He's being incredibly stubborn," said Kiyoteru. "I've asked him numerous times, and I'm always given the same story. I don't doubt that some of it is true- but the details don't corroborate too well with the material facts."

"Namely?"

"L says he and R made amends. That nothing was amiss. However..."

Kiyoteru reached for his trusty black biro (a pen he'd had for about a year, which had yet to run out of ink- unlike that traitorous blue pen) and jotted down a quick note on Miriam's napkin.

It read: _'L's story still doesn't explain why R ended up in the hospital with third degree burns.'_

Miriam's mouth opened in a small 'o', and she nodded her head- running her hands through her silver hair.

"He hasn't changed his tone?"

"No. It's always the same thing," said Kiyoteru. "In fact, at this point-"

Kiyotery reached for the napkin again, his pen poised.

_'I don't think L is even aware of what he did. He tells his story as though it's true- and to him, I think it might be.'_

"Denial?" asked Miriam.

"Perhaps. It's fairly obvious he has some deep psychological problems."

Miriam smiled at this- but it wasn't a cruel smile, or a taunting one. It was sad. Somber.

"I could have told you that and I'm not even a psychiatrist," said Miriam. "What do they pay you for, Hiyama? Do you just sit in your oh-so-smart office in your oh-so-smart suits drinking black tea and going 'I think this person might, conceivably, have a problem?' I could do your job. I could do your job with my eyes closed."

"I'm afraid you can't intimidate your patients to garner information; there are laws against that," said Kiyoteru, laughing- shaking his head. "I believe this case requires a more delicate touch, Miss Stockley."

"But you've already used a delicate touch," said Miriam, "and it's not working. Obviously you're not getting the full story."

"I fail to see how interrogating L further will change anything. He's adamant that his story is the truth. In fact-"

Kiyoteru didn't have to reach for the napkin this time; Miriam had already pushed it under his fingers. Kiyoteru gave her a small smile before he began to write. He was fast running out of space, even though his handwriting was so neat and tidy.

_'L doesn't seem to realize he's talking to a psychiatrist either. He shows no indication that he understands what he's done.'_

Miriam gave a low whistle.

"That sounds like a _serious _case of denial."

Kiyoteru nodded.

"Well. If what you're saying is correct- and I have no doubt why it wouldn't be, the expert in this field as you are- then perhaps... Perhaps questioning L will no longer help the police investigation," said Miriam.

"Mir- I-I mean, Miss Stockley," Kiyoteru corrected himself, "t-that girl has been through so much trauma. Surely you can't be suggesting we open up old wounds?"

"I am. It's been on the cards for a long time. Hiyama, that boy has been in custody for four months, and we've seen no development or change in his story whatsoever."

"I see..." said Kiyoteru. He tugged at his tie- another nervous habit. "I-it is a bit extreme, yes, but... B-but it might be our only option if L refuses to, or, for some reason, cannot, tell the truth."

Miriam nodded. Her eyes were steely.

"We need to talk to R in more detail. A more thorough investigation than last time, where she refused to divulge information. I don't care whether she wants to discuss it with the police or not. She might be the only one who really knows what happened."

Kagamine Rin.

She was the one who held the key to that mystery.

And perhaps she was the only one who knew what Kagamine Len really did.

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Ohohoho.  
>How many people saw that coming? :D<br>I feel like a bitch for giving you such a bait and switch happy ending, but I always intended it to finish up like this ;A; It was almost a foregone conclusion, considering Len has indeed been talking to a psychiatrist- thus implying something was wrong from the start D: I really hate it in movies/book/etc when a happy ending is build up to just to have snatched away at the last moment because it seems so cheap, but there was no other way this fic could feasibly end given the way it's written :/  
>So.<br>How many people know what ~really~ happened to Rinny and LenLen? :D

I was debating about writing a companion fic to this one from Rin's POV that documents the same events, but I also want to do a fic in this universe that goes into Neru's past, too :/ Would you be interested in reading either of those? XD;  
>I already started the Neru one and I've done the first chapter of it, but I might not post it until it's all finished so I'm not stressed about it. It will be called 'To a Lost Girl' and it might appear sometime later this month if you'd care to keep checking ^_^;;<br>Would anybody be interested in reading that? ^_^;

As always, I'm incredibly grateful to all the people that stuck with this story and read/reviewed it, or put it on their favorites or alerts. It means a lot to me, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope this depressingangst ending doesn't annoy you too much ^_^; Thank you!~

**~renahhchen xoxoxoxo**


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